A Dove Bitten By A Wolf
by switchblademoxley
Summary: Dean Amborse/Jon Moxley and OC. Written from first person view. A small house party ignites something special between two less than perfect beings. Obviously I do not own Jon Moxley/Dean Ambrose/Jonathan Good, as the first two are characters portrayed by the third who is a real human being.
1. Starts And Endings

I sat down on one of the six seats around the kitchen table. The loud music kept getting less and less annoying and more likable. It was like the rhythm went inside me, the beat pumping the blood in my veins. It was already dark outside, like every autumn. But I didn't mind, at least the house was well lit. I played with the strings on my hoodie until the other chairs were filled too. I was deeply in my thoughts, that blank place I often went to, where I could draw situations and scenery in my head and decide how things played out myself. I finally made it back to reality when someone sitting in front of me snapped their fingers.

"Are you playing?" Sounded the raspy voice in the room. His voice was like a very pleasant tune I could listen to for days. He raised an eyebrow at me for my lack of answering.

"Yeah, sure", I replied. People didn't seem to realize it wasn't easy conversing when someone suffered from that goddamn shyness. Often I kept my thoughts to myself because they refused to be painted into words that I wanted to fall off my lips. I looked around the apartment, trying to see who was still there. There was me, my sister who was also my roommate and a bunch of her friends, the guy in front of me included. All I knew was that his name was Jon and that he lived in the same neighborhood. Other than that I'd just heard of his 'bad guy reputation', but I was never one to believe in rumors.

"Your turn", I heard him say. I was embarrassed to notice everyone staring at me, waiting. I lifted a card. It was a king so I was sure I wouldn't have to drink in this round. I noticed Jon eyeing me before taking a card from the deck and sliding it against the table towards him. He lifted it but didn't turn it and brought it in front of my face.

"Blow", he said simply. "For good luck".

Everyone laughed but I was sitting there with a dumbfounded look on my face. I looked at him and my eyes locked with his blue ones. I blew out the tiniest bit of air and saw him smirk. He had adorable dimples.

"Let's see if I've found myself a good luck toy", he said, still looking directly at me. He slammed the card onto the table to reveal an ace. I couldn't help but smile, even though this meant I would have to drink. He had won this round and I thought he owed me a thank you for it.

"Well shit, looks like I've got a lucky charm!" He said smirking at me. "Go on, drink up bitches!"

I looked into my cup, the mix of vodka and soda swirling around. I took a big sip and reached up to touch my throat when I felt the burning sensation. The taste was great but the drink was devious. It was a good thing I knew when I had to stop, though it would take much more to reach that point. My plan wasn't to get wasted.

There was only enough cards left for a final round and I hadn't won that many times. I picked up a 9, which was the highest number so far this round. Jon was the only one left and he picked up the last one. He looked at the card and spun it around for others to see.

"Seven. I should have asked you for another blow since you did so good the last time", he said to me with a wink. I felt myself blush, the heat radiating on my face. The double meaning was too obvious and I was the only one who didn't laugh. I was too embarrassed.

"Just drink, losers", I muttered shyly. Jon downed his drink while still looking at me, I could just feel it.

"Anyone want to go for a smoke?" Jon asked. Everyone agreed but me.

"I'll just go to the bathroom first", I said, hoping he wouldn't be there anymore by then. His presence made me uncomfortable. I closed the bathroom door behind me and locked it. I heard the balcony door open and close and let out a sigh of relief. I did my usual business but didn't leave right after, knowing I needed waste a few more minutes. I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and was glad to notice my makeup and hair were still just like I wanted. I practiced a few poses in front of the mirror just for fun and made myself look as stupid as possible. I let out a small laugh and decided I had waited enough. I unlocked the door and walked right out only to bump into someone. It was Jon.

"What was so funny in there that you laughed?" he asked before I could apologize.

"Nothing, it's free now so you know..." I muttered shyly and looked at the ground.

"Oh, I don't plan on using it. I was waiting for my lucky toy", he said and I could just hear the arrogant smile on his face.

"Oh", was all I was able to say as I started walking to the balcony, Jon right behind me. I wanted to growl out my frustration when I saw everyone else was leaving the balcony when I entered. In my social awkwardness I didn't manage to just drop the whole idea of going to smoke, I couldn't get the words out of my mouth. My faith was sealed, I'd just have to smoke with Jon. I took a cigarette from my pack, a green L&M, my favorite. I was going through my pockets to find a lighter when I was startled by a bright light in front of me. Jon had lit my cigarette for me. I rolled my eyes ever so slightly to which he frowned.

"Girls like you are why chivalry is dead", he said.

"Yeah, well, you're creepy". It just slipped out and I knew just how childish it sounded. The mental facepalm I was giving myself was just tremendous. He just smirked and stepped a little closer when I wasn't looking.

"I'm a creepy guy. I like things dirty and sick... and I'm sure you'd like to know all the sick things I've done with every filthy little detail", he said, his voice echoing in my ears. He had leaned close to me, his beer smelling hot breath crawling on the skin of my neck. I closed my eyes to take in the sensation just for a split second, but by the time I opened my eyes he was back to his full height, looking down at my much smaller form. He was about foot taller than me, which I found undeniably sexy. His blondish hair was falling on his face like a windy mess and his blue eyes shined in the dark, reflecting the moon's light. He finished his cigarette as did I. I started walking towards the door when he grabbed my arm and pulled me against him very roughly, making me lose some of the air in my lungs.

"Where do you think you're going, lucky toy?" He whispered right into my ear, sending shivers all over my body. His words were like jolts of electricity.

"Inside.. people are waiting", I answered with a whisper.

"I want to go inside too, darling... inside of you. I want to know how you feel under this layer of cloth covered skin", he explained, his words sounding raw but exciting. His hot mouth pressed on to my neck, his tongue sliding it's way up to my cheek. He then returned to kiss my neck, but the kiss soon turned into him sucking my skin, marking me as his. He finished making the mark with a quick but violent bite, stretching the skin of my neck in between his teeth. I couldn't help the moan that had been waiting to get out of my system. He pulled back looking at his handiwork, seemingly satisfied.

"That should keep people away from you tonight", he said, like nothing big had just happened. But it was big to me, it was nearly enough to make the world shatter into a thousand pieces. He guided me to the door by my shoulders and gave me a gentle push which brought me back to my normal self. I walked out but could feel Jon right behind me. I quickly looked back and yes, he was right there, just staring down on me. He winked at me as I walked to the living room. Fortunately, more people had arrived to the party so no one was asking me questions about what took me so long. I sat down on one of the two sofas in the living room. The people that were there at the start of the party were in the kitchen and I saw the newer people starting to flow into the living room. The girls of the group sat down on the empty couch, greeting Jon who was sitting on the brown mechanical armchair with his feet up on the leg rest. I was rudely ignored. Then the guys of the group walked to the couch I was sitting on, looking at me like I was expected to move without question.

"Can you move out of our way? I'll let you sit on my lap too, if you like", said one of them. I couldn't help but burst out laughing. Did they actually not know I owned half of the apartment? This was interrupted by the familiar tall figure of Jon standing in front of me. He made the others look small, even though they were all tall themselves. He reached out, grabbed my hand and pulled me up with force. I wasn't prepared for it, but didn't mind. He turned me to face the other guys while holding me tightly with my back against his chest. He tilted my head up to expose the mark he had made on me. The possessive touch was both uncomfortable and extremely hot.

"She'll sit on my lap if anyone's. I hope that's clear now", he said. The guys all just nodded and slowly sat down. Jon walked me over to the chair he was sitting in and pulled me tightly to his lap, his arms gripping around me like I would run away otherwise. I could see some jealous looks among the girls on the other sofa, and I had to admit it felt good. I started to realize how much I liked sitting on Jon's lap, feeling safe with his arms around my body.

"Those girls seem to be interested in you", I said to him, turning my head to the side so they couldn't hear me, as if the music wouldn't take care of that.

"I noticed. I don't care", he replied. "I'll go get us some beers".

"You don't have to, I'll do it", I protested and removed Jon's arms from around my waist. He helped me up and I went to the kitchen. I took two beers from the fridge and walked back.

"I don't have anything to open them with though", I said to Jon, reaching my destination.

"I'll handle that", he said and straightened up in the chair, roughly tilting his head to left and right until there were audible cracking sounds. He took one of the beer bottles and opened it with his teeth. I grinned at his actions, thinking of the damage it must do to one's teeth. He gave it back to me and I thanked him and took a sip. He opened his and leaned back. I stood there, not knowing what to do.

"You are so shy!", Jon said laughing. "You don't even dare to sit back on my lap. You don't even dare to ask me if it's okay, which it obviously is. You're just so innocent" he explained as I blushed again. He shook his head when I just stared at the floor.

"Come here", Jon said patting his lap like I was a cat. But I sat back down on his lap nonetheless. He pulled me to lean back against his chest and it felt warm and comforting. I just sat there drinking my beer, occasionally listening to Jon's whispers.

"I will have you tonight"

"Don't fight it, baby, I'll make it the best thing that's ever happened to you"

"I want to throw everyone out already... I can't wait to tear your innocence apart".

Stuff like that. It had been going on for an hour now and I was both excited and nervous.

"What if I don't want it?" I whispered. He chuckled darkly.

"Babe, you don't just want it, you need it. Be glad I'm not making you beg", he replied, his voice serious. I swallowed hard to get rid of the nervous lump in my throat, but it didn't work. I was done drinking for the night, as was Jon. He clearly had other things in mind as did I, but while his thoughts consisted of doing things to me, mine revolved around nervousness and anxiety. He definitely had two sides; the comforting, laid back and sweet one and the near psychotic, hungry and possessive one.

Time passed and everyone was about to leave in one big group, apparently to one of their houses. I would be alone in the apartment with Jon, as my sister was leaving too. I said goodbyes to them as they left and knew that things would change the second that door was closed. I grabbed the handle and pulled it, the lock clicking when it closed. I also closed the other door we had there to muffle sounds from other apartments. I started to turn around slowly, but stopped when I felt Jon put his arms on my hips. He spun me around to face him.

"I've waited too long for this", he said and licked his lips.

"Just do what I say and it will all go smoothly" he said and raised a brow at me. I just nodded.

"Jump" he instructed. I did and he helped lifting me with his arms. I wrapped my arms and legs around him. He held me there, his other arm on my lower back and the other one under my ass. He smiled and I pretty much melted at the sight of his dimples, they were irresistible.

He walked me to my bedroom and lowered me on the bed. I laid there, just waiting. He took his shirt off to reveal his muscular stomach and sculptured waist. I felt the anxiety slowly fading away. He took his belt off way too slowly and unbuttoned his pants. He stared at his zipper and then me. A devious smirk formed on his face as he pulled me up to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Unzip it for me" he said with a demanding voice. I hesitated for a second but did as told. I didn't want to get on his bad side. After unzipping his jeans he wriggled out of them. He was down to nothing but his boxers which he kept on. I could see he was beginning to get hard under the fabric.

"Get up" he said. I rose to my feet, facing him. There was next to no room between Jon in front of me and the bed behind me. I tried to balance myself even though Jon tried to make me fall on the bed by getting closer and closer. I refused to let him win. He finally backed up enough for me to take a small step forward. He grabbed my shirt by the hem and balled it into his fist.

"Arms up" he commanded and I did as told. He lifted the shirt off of me.

"Take off your jeans". Again I followed his orders. I stood there in my underwear while he studied my body. It felt like forever until he was done roaming my body with his eyes. He let out a low whistle and stepped forward, closing the distance between us. He tilted my head up to look at him and wrapped his arms around me.

"Gorgeous", he said. I couldn't help blushing again. He noticed and laughed. He then pushed me to the bed and I positioned myself to be the way you would normally be in bed. He climbed on top of me, straddling me. He drew circles on my stomach and all the way to my bra. He placed a hand underneath me and raised me just enough to unhook it. He slid it off and placed his hands on my breasts. He squeezed them several times and gently massaged them before pinching my nipples. I moaned softly at the sudden blood rush.

"You sound amazing. I can't wait to hear more", Jon whispered into my ear and laughed when I shivered underneath him.

"Don't be scared", he said.

"I'm not", I replied, trying to convince myself as much if not more as him.

"Good", he answered. He placed his mouth right above one of my breasts and hovered above it breathing hot air onto my skin. My nipple hardened, but he wasn't done. He clamped his mouth around my nipple and sucked it. I moaned again when he pulled it with his teeth until he finally let go. He did the same to my other nipple and I could feel his erection pressing against my stomach. He licked his lips before landing them on mine, forcing my lips open with his tongue. He immediately stuck his tongue into my mouth and swirled it around, touching every part of my mouth and fighting me for dominance. He won that battle with ease and pulled back. The violent kiss left me breathless and craving for more. He moved lower down my body, placing kisses along my skin on the way. He got off the bed and pulled me to the edge of it by my legs. He slid off my panties slowly, savoring every second. He placed my legs to hang from his shoulders and looked up at me, his eyes icy blue and his gaze intense. I bit my lip and closed my eyes, I couldn't take his stare anymore.

"Has anyone ever gone down on you before?" He asked calmly.

"No", I managed to whimper out. He laughed darkly.

"I like being the first", he said and placed a finger on my clit. Just the light pressure of his finger welt amazing and made me whimper. He loved the sound of it. He slowly moved his finger along my slit before pushing it inside me just a little bit.

"You are so wet for me it's ridiculous", he said cockily, looking up at me. I didn't know what to say so I stayed quiet. He suddenly flicked his tongue against my nub. I arched my back violently and he held my hips in place tightly, not stopping the movements of his tongue. It felt so good I felt like I was done, but he then stopped.

"I'm not going to let you get off that easily", he explained and dragged his tongue against my pussy. He made sure to slide it against my exposed clit, which made me moan loudly and trash around. He tightened his grip on my hips making my hipbones hurt, but I didn't care. He kissed my pubic bone and my inner thighs before placing one last kiss on my clit. He shoved his tongue inside me and twisted it around as I tried to keep myself from falling apart. When he finished he looked up at my nearly broken form and smirked.

"Now I'm going to make you cum", he stated and sucked on my nub. It didn't take long until the pressure and heat inside me was finally released with loud moans and whimpers escaping my lips. He took off his boxers and started stroking his already hard cock while I tried to catch my breath, coming down from the high Jon had pushed me to. He pulled me off of the bed and told me to get on my knees. I did as told and was facing his hard, pulsing cock.

"Lick it" he demanded. I hesitantly opened my mouth and licked him, swirling my tongue around the tip of his cock making him growl. He pushed slowly into my mouth, but his cock was just too big. I started gagging and he pulled away from my mouth.

"This your first time too?"

"Yes...", I replied, slightly ashamed of my inexperience.

"It's okay. It's way hotter than fucking a mouth that's had ten dicks in it" he said. "Like I said, I like to be first".

I nodded and he started to push into my mouth again, telling me to focus on breathing through my nose. I did and it helped. He tasted nice and smelled fresh. He moved his hips back and forth and I sucked his shaft eagerly, wanting to please him. I pulled away and wrapped my hand around the base of his cock, licking his length all the way to the tip. He had his hand in my hair and pulled it. I got the hint and got up. He kissed me roughly and hungrily all the way to the bed, both our mouths tasting like the other one's sex and the tastes mixing together. He pulled away and placed himself in front of my entrance. He pulled my leg to go around him and I did the same with my other one, clinging on to him. I took a sharp breath as he quickly pushed inside, his length filling me to the maximum and stretching me in unbelievable ways.

"You're too big", I whimpered, breathing in broken breaths, trying to pull myself together.

"Shh, it's okay. You'll adjust to it, we'll wait. Shit you're tight oh my god", he said. His eyes closed several times like he was having a hard time not pounding into me straight away. I felt my walls starting to relax and ease into the feeling. He clearly felt it too as he let out a massive breath of air he'd been holding in. He looked at me and I nodded. He started moving out slowly and then just as slowly made his way back inside. My moans mixed with his as he picked up the speed. I wrapped my arms around his neck and held on for dear life. He pumped into me and let out a string of cusses with each thrust. I on the other hand couldn't even form words, the only one in my mind was his name. His thrusts were fast and violent. His hips snapped into me, getting us both closer and closer. I held onto him as tightly as I could, I didn't want the feeling to stop ever, even though the amount of emotion was nearly too much to take. The pressure was building and I needed my release. I was so close.

"Hold on to it", he groaned. I tried as hard as I could but his fast rhythm was just too much. And then it happened, I felt it all snapping off and releasing the feeling that had been building for so long.

"Jon!", I screamed as I came. My orgasm made him go over the edge as well as he groaned while my pussy tightened around his dick, milking him for everything he had. I was on cloud nine, seeing stars in whiteness. I slowly came down from the high to see Jon looking at me, breathing heavily.

"God, that was so good", he managed to say. He pulled out of me and I felt his body crash down next to me. After a moment of just laying there I managed to get up and go clean myself in my bathroom, while Jon did the same in the other one. I returned to the bed where Jon was already waiting for me.

"You're going to be here when I wake up, right?" I asked nervously.

"Of course", he replied. I got in the bed next to him and he pulled me on top of him before rolling me off to his other side.

"Ladies should always sleep on the wall side", he said with a smile on his face. I smiled back and adored his dimples. I placed my head on his chest and he put his arm around me, resting it on my belly. I felt so tired and ready to fall asleep. After a gentle and soft goodnight kiss I did.

I woke up the next day the happiest I'd ever been. I kept my eyes closed while stretching. I finally opened them and turned around to face Jon but quickly noticed there was no one next to me. I instantly sat up.

"What the fuck?" I said out loud. Jon was nowhere to be seen. I looked around the apartment but no one was there. I was all alone. I was angry and disappointed, mainly at myself for being so naive. I had been hoping in the back of my mind that there would be something here. But of course there wasn't, there never was. I had believed in another lie, trusted a person only to be disappointed once again. I was just a dove bitten by a wolf.


	2. The Dirty And The Pure

Later that day I found myself sitting alone in the apartment, still wondering what the hell had even happened. I had been thinking about it for hours until I finally returned to earth because of my phone vibrating. I checked it, secretly hoping Jon had asked for my number from someone and wanted to explain himself. That dream was crushed when I noticed it was my sister who had sent the text.

_"I'm staying at Luke's house for now. I'm dropping by today to give you my half of the rent for the next two months in case mom doesn't send you money this time"_, read the text.

_"Luke's house? Whaaat? Have I missed something here? You don't do boyfriends. WE DON'T DO BOYFRIENDS!_" I sent back.

_"Hah, dumbass. We're not together, just friends. And I thought you might like having some peace. Like I said, I'll come by today, we'll talk then"._

_"Okay... Prick"_

_"Love you too!_" read the message. And with that I put my phone down and went back to my thoughts. Was I not good enough? Did I do something wrong? Had I misunderstood everything? I rubbed my hand on the mark on my neck that Jon, or as I now knew him, Dickface, had given me. How long would I have to carry it as a reminder of the one time I let everything go? The next thing I knew my phone rang, this time the caller was my best friend, Laura.

"Hey", I answered silently.

"Hello! I was just wondering if you wanted to talk while I'm smoking"

"Yeah, sure"

"Wow. You sound sad. What's wrong?" she asked. I should have known she would notice.

"Oh, nothing. I'm just tired, you know, from the party last night", I explained. White lies don't count, and this would have to pass as one.

"Uhh.. Okay, if you say so. Sorry I couldn't make it. I'm stuck here forever, it seems", she said. It was true, we hadn't seen each other for two months because she was taking care of her sick mother. She was a very strong person, especially considering we were only seventeen years old.

"Yeah, don't worry about it. I really miss you though", I replied.

"I miss you too. But I'll come to Cincinnati next month".

"Really? You're coming back? And you're not leaving?" I asked her all giddy.

"Well, I mean... I don't know yet. Mary is really sick and I can't leave her. It depends on her condition whether or not I'll stay"

"You do realize you don't owe her anything, right? She didn't raise you, your uncle did", I replied.

"Yeah... But it wasn't her fault, you know that. It was dad's".

"You're right, sorry about that. You just seem so... exhausted".

"I am. Anyway, I'm done with this cigarette so I'm going to head back inside. I'll talk to you soon. Love you", she said.

"Love you too", I said and hung up. I went to the balcony with my cup of coffee and lit a cigarette myself. I was definitely in my own little comforting place wearing sweatpants and a hoodie, not wearing make up, my hair a messy ponytail. I just couldn't care less about looking good, especially since I was just going to stay at home. I hadn't cried because of what happened, I never cried. This wasn't the first time I was fucked over by a guy either, this was just the first time I had slept with them before shit had hit the fan. I was shy, yes, but also very vengeful. I was filled with an infinite amount of gasoline that was just waiting to be ignited. I wanted to make Jon pay, to feel even half of the embarrassment I was feeling. But I couldn't. I was powerless and frankly, just sick of the shit.

_"On my way_", read the screen of my phone when I received another text from Rose.

I sighed and returned back inside after finishing my cigarette. I dragged myself to the living room and slumped down on one of the sofas. I turned the TV on and tried to watch it, but honestly, I didn't even know what I was watching, that's how in thought I was. The door to the apartment opened soon and in walked Rose. She sat down on the couch next to me.

"You look like shit", she said. I let out a laugh.

"Thanks", I replied.

"I'm going to start packing right away, I'm not going to have the time later".

"Why?"

"Uh, well... Luke doesn't exactly live here..."

"Where exactly does he live?"

"It's not that far, but it does take hours for him to drive", she said. I could feel my face pulling into a frown.

"Don't look at me like that!" she continued.

"Fine! Leave then. Leave, just like mom and dad. It was only a matter of time, I should have known", I said, the bitterness flooding from my mouth. I shouldn't had taken my anger and frustration out on her, but I was kind of disappointed that she was leaving me like this.

"Hey! Watch it. I am not leaving like mom, and especially not like dad! I will come back. This is just an experience I really want to go through. You could live a little more yourself", she said. Okay she was right about the leaving part, it was unfair to compare her to mom and dad.

"Ugh, whatever. But mom doesn't have to find out, right? I mean you know, she's sending money for two from wherever she is at the moment. I could use the money myself".

"She's in Germany. And if I remember correctly, she's going to Spain from there. And no, she won't find out. Look, I know it sucks for you to live on your own, but mom's job is what it is. She makes money and that's how it's always been. We are just... things to keep alive, really, to her. But just because I'm not going to be around for some time doesn't mean I'm leaving. You will keep hearing from me, promise", Rose explained, her emotions playing on her face.

"Yeah... I don't even remember what she looks like. You know, it's not easy to be left alone. I mean, we promised each other that we'd never leave the other one. And now, that's exactly what you're doing", I protested.

"I am not leaving you! Ugh, this isn't going anywhere. I am leaving, Sasha, get fucking used to it", she said, leaving me stunned. I knew she was one of the girls that got pissed if they were not treated like a princess, but her insensitivity was like a slap in the face.

"Fine", I whispered. I stayed put through the entire time she packed. I heard her opening the front door and turned to take one last glance at her. Our eyes locked and I noticed her shaking her head. And with that, she stepped out and shut the door and herself from my life for now. 

It was dark, again. It was eight o'clock and I had not done a single productive thing all day. I had spent the entire day just eating, sleeping and on my laptop. Sometimes I missed the time I was still in school, getting an education. But there was a reason why I had stopped; I was sick of it. Sick of the idiot students, unmotivated teachers and early mornings. I just really didn't care. I would make it in life, education or not. And as long as my mother kept sending money as a replacement for her I'd be all good. As you can tell, I wasn't a very motivated person myself. I had just been through so much in life already that my motivation and passion had just faded away. Everything always went to shit because of other people, so why try anymore? That was my attitude for life. This made me think about Jon again. I had felt passion in the moments I'd spent with him. Time had stopped, everything was less awful and more amazing. Colors were vibrant for once and there wasn't a single bad thing in the world. Everything went from negative to positive... I shook my head, trying to get the thoughts out of my head. I let out a sigh and decided to take a bath before starting a Sex and the City - marathon. I went to the bathroom that was in my room and stripped. I had a big mirror on the wall, I spent a lot of time in front of it, thinking of my flaws. I was thin and well proportioned, but that's not what I saw. I had always hated my reflection. I actually liked my face, but my body was another story. I was so insecure and felt like thinking positive things about myself would make me self obsessed in some way. My skin wasn't tanned, it was quite pale. Not like nearly white pale, but pale nonetheless. What I really hated about my body wasn't my figure, but the fact that I knew that body had been hurt. It saddened me, made me feel like my body was like a used punching bag. I wanted to smash the mirror in, but I didn't. It would be more trouble than it would be worth. My brown eyes stared back at me, looking almost black. Moments later I stepped into the bubbly bath. I loved everything about baths, the bubbles and foam and the smell. It smelled like flowers. If there was one place that I could always relax in, it was my bathtub. I closed my eyes and emptied my mind of all thoughts, going to that blank space. I started to think of scenarios and situations, wondering how they would play out. What if I was in a robbery? Would I try to save people or hide in a corner? What would I do to survive? My thoughts ran from one to another, I always had a busy mind. Before I knew it, I had been laying in the bath for twenty minutes. I washed myself and hopped out. I let the bathtub empty while drying my body and hair. I then put on my pajamas. I wore blue pants and a white silk top. I dried my hair and put it in a messy ponytail. Then I left the bathroom and started my Sex and the City marathon in the living room. I couldn't sleep in my own room when I was alone in the house, I felt like being closer to the front door would make it easier to defend myself from possible intruders. I was secretly terrified of the dark, especially now that I was on my own, but the brightness of the TV and the noise coming from it helped. I brought everything that I needed to the living room, popcorn and coke included. I snuggled onto the couch with my five pillows and a blanket and started to watch. After a few hours, my eyes started to slip close. My lids felt heavy and the couch felt so comfy... so, so comfy... 

*BANG BANG BANG* sounded the loudest noise in the world, to which my brain reacted instantly. I was still half asleep when I sat up and looked at the clock. It was three am and the TV was still on. I closed it and tiptoed to the front door to see who was knocking on my door at this hour. The peephole was blocked and I instantly got terrified.

"It's a murderer" my brain thought. My logical side told me to just open the door but my emotional one was scared. I was still almost asleep and decided to open the door but that I would do it with a backup plan. I heard more knocking, this time even louder.

"Shit", I muttered to myself as I grabbed a baseball bat from a closet. I placed it on my shoulder, ready to strike first. In my previous neighborhood the only reason to be at someone's door at this hour was to rob them. But somehow I just felt like I had to open the door. I stood in front of it and there were two more knocks and growling. I unlocked the door quickly and attempted to hit whoever there was, because that's just how my sleeping brain works. I had nearly zero power in my arms, as my limbs were damn near asleep, so the baseball bat barely moved. Before I could try to swing again the person grabbed the bat and pulled it away from me harshly. It was only now that I actually looked in front of me. The tall figure made me wake up completely.

"What the fuck do you want?" I shouted. Well, I did in my mind. In reality I whispered it so silently he probably didn't hear. Even still, there he was. Jon had just appeared to my front door and I didn't know how to react. He smelt like alcohol and cigarettes. And when I finally managed to look at him in the eyes I could tell he was drunk. I shook my head.

"What do you want?" I repeated the question. He grabbed me by my shoulders and leaned in. I froze. He came so close only to push me from his way as he entered my apartment without permission. I slammed the door shut but was sure he would fly out any second now.

"Hey! What the fuck?" I now shouted. He just walked straight into my bedroom. I followed him, stomping my way in. When I entered he was taking off his shoes and jacket.

"Jon! Get the fuck out! Rose isn't here, the isn't a single person here that is your friend so you need to leave!" I shouted. He didn't even look at me but started to take off his belt. "Jon you fucking piece of shit get out or I will call the cops!"

Now he finally looked at me with his icy blue eyes.

"Where are your pillows and all that shit? It's cold", he said sleepily. I was fuming. How did he dare to talk to me like that? He wasn't actually this stupid, was he?

"What? Jon I'm serious I'm calling the cops".

"It sure doesn't look like you are", he said. What the hell was I supposed to do now? I really didn't want to call the police and he had called out my bluff.

"Why are you here?" I managed to say after thinking about my next move for a suspiciously long time.

"Missed you", he replied.

"Oh fuck off. You promised you'd stay the night!"

"I did stay the night. I was there in the morning but I am a busy man with a busy schedule. Trust me, darling, I had to leave", he explained.

"Yeah, clearly you were very busy getting drunk. And I am not your darling, make no mistake about that", I said crossing my arms in front of my chest.

"Incorrect, I got drunk after I completed today's... tasks", he muttered, almost asleep.

"Get the hell out, Jon".

"Look, I'm not going to leave right now, I'm tired and I want to sleep. Can we just... deal with this shit tomorrow? Please, Sasha?" he said with a voice that almost sounded fragile.

"As if you were going to be here to deal with the shit tomorrow. It's not like you've exactly proven yourself to be a trustworthy guy".

"I don't have anything to do tomorrow. A day off. Now, don't get this the wrong way, but can you please just... shut up? I can't deal with any more drama right now. Come on, just give me a moment in life without shit and then tomorrow I'll take the drama like always. But right now, just please don't", he muttered, following these words with a yawn.

He sounded like he was speaking the truth. Like he needed a moment without shit. But how was it fair that he fucked me over and then I had to give him anything? I wasn't a mean person, but I didn't give second chances. Why did I still want to help him?

"Sasha, stop thinking for once. Just let go for now and tomorrow you can have your whole concerned mouse attitude again. Can we just... be? Like not worry about anything for once? Can you just get in the bed and fall asleep with me? It's not that much asked", he continued.

I knew I would more than likely regret what I was about to do next, but I went with my heart for once instead of my brain. I moved my things from the sofa to the bedroom and laid down on the bed. It felt wrong and right at the same time. It was what I wanted, but it wasn't the smart thing to do. You shouldn't open your heart or bed to people who have failed you before, yet it was exactly what I was doing. I noticed him taking off his socks, jeans and shirt. I turned my back to him and hugged my pillow. As time went by I decided it would be for the best to just pretend I was asleep since I wasn't tired anymore. My act went on for a good twenty minutes when he grabbed me by my hips and pulled me closer. He wrapped and arm around me and I could feel him stroking my hair. I didn't react. I heard him chuckle to himself as his hands slid down lower on my body. What if he was just calling out my bluff again? But then, what if he wasn't? He was now tugging on my pants and slowly managed to take them off. He wasn't going to try to fuck me while I was sleeping, right? Right? The next thing I knew he was massaging my thigh and sliding his hand up from there to my ribs. His hand moved to my stomach and started to go even higher. I had to stop him.

"Jon fucking stop or I'll kick you out myself!" I yelled.

"Ha! I knew you weren't asleep. I fucking knew it!" he answered. "I know you like the back of my hand, darling, and you can't deny that. I am the puppet master!" he continued and laughed like it was the funniest thing ever.

"Whatever, Jon. I'm going to sleep now. For real this time. And you better not even touch me", I said angrily, to which he frowned.

"Fine, I won't touch you. I guess my hands are just too dirty for something as pure as you", he said sarcastically.

"Exactly", I said and flipped over to my back. I closed my eyes and slowly but surely fell asleep.


	3. Wild Emotions

Waking up the next day I didn't know what to think. The one thing I felt, however, was sincere regret. A grayness flowing through my body and brain, followed by a red sensation of pure anger. I hated myself for giving up so easily. Why did I let him in? How could I have possibly done something like that? I was not the type of person to just let people get away with hurting me, because I had already learnt that they would only repeat their previous acts, hurting me all over again. I felt alone even though I couldn't be sure about whether or not Jon was still next to me. But I felt like he wasn't. I couldn't look, I didn't dare. If he was there, I would have to overcome my social anxiety and actually talk to him and if he wasn't, I would be just another stupid girl. I sighed. I had to get out of the bed even if I didn't want to. I had to stand up and turn around to face the bed, face my reality, even though it would hurt one way or the other. I didn't even dare wish Jon was there, because the last time I did, it left a void in my heart. The war in my mind was painful and the only way to make it stop was to find out. I took in deep breath and shuffled out of the bed. Once my feet hit the floor and I stood up I had my final moment of reflection. I couldn't understand how it could be so hard to turn around, but it was. I was afraid of that same feeling flowing over me like it had the day before.

_"Come on, you can do this. You have to do this"_, I tried to convince myself in my head. This was just something that I had to do. So I finally let out the breath I'd been holding in for long enough for my lungs to hurt and turned. And what I saw absolutely killed me.

"He's not here", I whispered. I wasn't crying on the outside, but emotionally I was shattered. I couldn't move, I couldn't think. All that was in my mind was shock. This time I was the only one to blame, and the guilt surrounding me was like a pile of bricks crushing me down. I had royally fucked up trusting Jon again. I hated the effect he had on me, making me forgive and let him back in just by talking to me. I guess I was just another stupid girl that despite not showing it, secretly wanted to be saved. It wasn't normal for me to want such a thing, and I didn't believe I did. But it was the only explanation as to why I had trusted him again despite knowing the consequences. I knew Rose had his number, but wouldn't it seem desperate to lash out on him for something that was my problem just as much as his? This probably wasn't even a problem to him, just an every day thing. A routine. I shivered at the amount of emotion the empty bed caused inside me. My mouth was literally open in shock. My hands were now balled into fists on my sides. The next thought in my mind was the desperate need for nicotine to sort out my thoughts. I gathered my pack and lighter slowly and completely ignored the fact that it was cold outside. I didn't bother putting my pants on, the top and panties would just have to do. Besides, no amount of chilly air could compare to the dead coldness that was lingering inside of me. I felt no emotion as I walked to the balcony door. I opened it without a single thought. I closed my eyes as I stepped into fresh air. I turned around and closed the door, my eyes still shut, as if the sight of the world would make me crumble.

"The sleepy one is awake!" sounded his voice. Wait? His voice? I turned on my heels and saw him. He was there, right in front of me. The amount of relief that washed the guilt was overpoweringly strong. The biggest smile of my life formed on my face as I finally realized that he had actually stayed. My legs went numb and before I could pull myself together they gave out, my body crashing down on the concrete floor.

"Shit", Jon said as he walked over to me and pulled me up. He seated me onto one of the chairs.

"Are you okay?" he asked. I didn't even know.

"Yes, I'm just... overwhelmed", I whispered. He smirked at me, his dimples looking as perfect as ever.

"How so?" he asked with the familiar attractiveness in his voice.

"I-uh, I thought you left again", I whispered feeling slightly dumb telling him how much his actions had affected me.

"I told you I wouldn't. And from what I remember, I told you last night that the only reason I left the day before was because I was actually busy", he explained. I hung on to every word that came out of his mouth, his voice was like a spell that could make you do anything he asked. I now understood why I had given him another chance. He was just plain irresistible.

"Yeah", I whispered. I took a cigarette and lit it as I watched him blow out smoke in pretty little rings.

"I never learned how to do that", I said.

"Smoke rings?" he asked. I nodded. "It's easy, you just have to do this shit with your jaw and keep your lips like this" he said and demonstrated. "Your jaw should make like a snapping sound".

I tried but it didn't work. Each one of my attempts looked more and more pathetic and I couldn't help but laugh at my own failure. He laughed too, even his laugh was a turn on.

"I guess it's just one of those things I'm never going to learn", I said as I stopped trying... for now.

"Nah, I think you'll figure it out one day", Jon said. He waited for me as I finished my cigarette after which we went back inside. He sat down on the chair he had sat on at the house party while I sat on one of the sofas.

"I could get used to this. This chair is the best thing ever", Jon mumbled to himself.

"Jon, why did you come here last night?" I asked and could see his eyes snapping up to look at me, as if he didn't see the question coming.

"I don't know, to be honest. I was drunk and wanted to sleep and this was the only place I could think of", he said.

"Really? Why not just go home?" I asked. He sighed.

"Like I said, I don't know".

"But that doesn't make any sense", I continued to push him and noticed he was getting annoyed.

"Yeah, well your brain doesn't always make sense when you're drunk. Can we just drop the subject?"

"You said we could talk about what happened in the morning. Now is in the morning"

"Drunk promises, Sasha. Besides, what more is there to talk about?" he asked. I thought about that question for a moment.

"Where did you go yesterday morning?" I asked.

"I have a thing, alright? I'm not sure if you'd get it to be honest", he said and rubbed the back of his neck.

"Try", I said simply.

"Look, I don't think-"

"I don't care! I need to know you actually had somewhere to be and didn't just leave me because I'm just some random one night stand", I burst out, instantly regretting putting my feelings out on the table in such a way. He stood up and came to sit next to me on the couch. He wrapped an arm around me and looked directly into my eyes.

"Sasha, I did not leave yesterday morning because of anything that had anything to do with you. I had a thing, a place I had to be, I swear. But I don't like telling people about it because they just wouldn't understand, okay?" he said and really looked like he needed me to believe him.

"Why can't you tell me? I'm not everyone else, I'm me", I tried. He looked like he was torn between telling me and flipping over the table in front of us. He finally answered after a long pause.

"Okay fine. Wrestling. I'm training to become a professional wrestler. You happy now?"

"Yes, I am happy now. And your secret is safe. Where are you training, though?" I asked, my curiosity kicking in. He let out a laugh.

"You just can't stop asking questions now can you?" he countered.

"Not until I have all the answers".

"HWA" he said simply.

"Oh! I've heard of that. That's really cool".

"Yeah... That's the thing though, to me it's not just cool, it's my everything", he said.

"Ohh... I didn't mean it like that. I was just trying to tell you I thought it was, well, I mean... Like-" I started to stutter, like I always did in uncomfortable situations.

"I know. Don't get all nervous. I think it's cool you think it's cool, alright?" he said, which made me feel less awkward.

"Alright", I said.

"You want some coffee or something?" I asked. He nodded his approval and we got up and went to the kitchen. It should have been weird to be in this situation, but instead it felt like home. It felt right, like this was the way life was supposed to be. I didn't know what we were, but I was pleased just having him around. We sat down around kitchen table, facing each other.

"Where's Rose by the way?" he asked.

"He left. Some guy, I think his name was Luke... Yeah, his place for at least two months".

"Oh. And where exactly are your parents? I don't think you can afford this place on your own", he said and made me nearly choke on my coffee.

"I, uh, I don't talk about family", I managed to say while still coughing roughly.

"I told you about wrestling, so you kind of have to", he said once I had gotten myself back together. I rolled my eyes which made him smirk.

"Fine. Short and sweet, my dad is or was, depending on if he's even alive anymore, an alcoholic who left my mom in huge debt by leaving our family when I was born. My mother then started to hate me because she felt my birth was the reason dad left, which caused her to pursue a career that could get her away from me and my sister as much as possible, which she now has. She sends money but is never home. My sister you already know", I explained, every word feeling like a dagger carving into my flesh. I really hated talking about my family but felt like it was only fair to be honest.

"Oh", Jon said. I knew it. I had freaked him out. He must have thought I was some awful human being for tearing our family apart and-

"I don't think it's your fault", he said and took a sip from his coffee. Again I found myself relieved after building up nervousness for no reason.

"Thanks", I replied. We chatted and got to know each other better. He lived in a small apartment fairly close. His mother was an addict and like me, he didn't know his dad. He didn't have any siblings. When he started to talk about wrestling his eyes lit up, the blueness becoming shiny and his lips pulling into a smile. His entire face was screaming excitement and it made me happy that he had something in his life he was that passionate about. I was honestly interested in everything he had to say, the words he used were vibrant and coming straight from his heart, which made mine melt a little. Once he was done speaking he finally took in a big breath of air.

"Sorry, I tend to go overboard when I get to talk about wrestling", he explained.

"Don't be sorry! It sounds amazing. I'm glad you make a living out of something that makes you so happy", I said with a smile on my face.

"It really does. You know, this may sound really stupid, but you're a good listener", he said. I was used to listening, so he was right about that.

"Yeah, I'm the girl everyone talks to about problems and comes to for advice. And I'm okay with it, I guess it's an honor to be trusted like that", I said.

"And who listens to you and gives advice to you?" he asked.

"Uhh... Well, I don't really tell people about my problems, I kind of prefer dealing with my own shit", I explained.

"Yeah, but it's easier to have someone to help you with your issues", he said.

"I guess so", I muttered. How could I answer? Sure it would be nice to have someone listening, but that would mean trusting someone to not tell anyone else. I didn't have the ability to trust anyone in such a way.

"Anyway, since I don't have anything to do all day I thought we could do something. You know, if you're cool with it. Ohh, I know! Let's have a movie night", he said, his voice still excited. I laughed a little bit.

"Sure, if you want", I answered.

"Great. Let's go rent movies, then", he said.

"Uhh, I think we can watch movies on my laptop too, you know", I said, a little amused by him.

"It's not the same. You need to have a rented movie that barely works to get that real feeling of a movie night", he protested. I couldn't help the laugh that escaped my lips.

"Alright, Jon. But since this is your idea and you want to see a bunch of shitty quality movies, you're the one paying for them", I said.

"I wouldn't have it any other way", he said with a smirk. I laughed and got up. I changed my clothes to skinny jeans and a sweater and went to the front door where he was already waiting. I opened the door and he shut it after exiting as well. We waited for the elevator in silence, but the silence was far from uncomfortable. It was like words weren't really needed. I didn't know why I felt this good around someone I had just met and that had already broken my heart, although he hadn't tried to do so. But all that mattered at that moment was how I felt right then, and I didn't feel black emptiness or red anger. I felt happy. And I didn't often feel happy. It's a feeling I wanted to stick to, a feeling I wasn't about to let go. I had missed being happy and if Jon was the one to bring it back into my life, then so be it. I was willing to give it a shot. Even though we hadn't talked about what it was we had, it would be okay for now. I didn't need an answer, I could handle the situation as it was. We stepped into the elevator and shortly after we left it, walked over to his car and sat down inside of it.

"Did you drive to my building drunk last night?!" I asked him.

"No, my friend drove me. Don't get your panties twisted", he answered and stuck out his tongue.

"Oh I won't", I replied as he started the car and begun to drive.

* * *

**This was supposed to stay a one shot but I couldn't stop writing, so here we are. I don't know where this is all going, but it's going somewhere nonetheless. Leave a review and receive a free imaginary cupcake. :)**


	4. Opening Up

We pulled into the parking lot and Jon stepped out of the car. I decided to stay inside, he wouldn't need me in there. I didn't know what to make of this situation, obviously I was trying to be careful and didn't want to end up hurt. If that were to happen, I couldn't forgive myself. I had severe trust issues already, yet somehow I managed to trust him. Well, maybe it wasn't actual trust, but something kind of close to it. I looked out of the window as it started to rain. Rain was my favorite thing about autumns, it's what made it my favorite season. It was refreshing. I yawned and stretched my arms as I felt my right leg go numb, that annoying tingling sensation taking over. It was bad, so, so bad and I had to get rid of it. I stepped out of the car and started hopping up and down on one leg. While it looked ridiculous, it was helping. I paced back and forth and jumped a few more times to get the feeling away.

"What are you even doing?" I heard him ask. I turned around, still standing on one leg.

"Nothing", I said and shrugged it off, after which I sat back down in the car. He sat on the driver's seat, still laughing.

"It wasn't that funny", I muttered.

"You should have seen yourself".

"Shut up", I said with a small laugh of my own. We drove back to the apartment and went inside. The rain grew stronger outside, which I liked. There was wind blowing the leaves from the trees, making way for the winter that was slowly but surely coming. I brought pillows and what I was assuming was at least four blankets to the living room. There was nothing better than relaxing in the warmth inside when there was a storm outside. I slumped down on the couch as Jon was trying to get a movie work.

"How does this thing work?" he asked.

"Just sick it in and-"

"With pleasure", he said with a wink.

"Huh?"

"Nothing. Continue", he replied.

"Like I said, put the disc in there and just push the thing in. Then press play and the rest can be done with the remote", I explained, just now realizing what he had meant. He did as I had explained and joined me on the couch. I got the movie to play, which wasn't an easy task since I hadn't used the machine in years. When it started to play I noticed what we were actually watching. The first part of Lord of the Rings. This probably wouldn't end well, I was a huge fan and knew pretty much every line in the movie.

"Uh, you didn't rent all the parts, right?" I asked.

"Yeah, I chose something that couldn't go wrong. Wait, do you not like it?" he countered.

"I do, I love it. I'm just afraid I'm probably going to go into my nerd mode during this movie session", I explained.

"That's alright, ain't nothing wrong with being a little nerdy", he said. I shrugged as the movie begun. All my focus was now on the movie, I didn't want to miss a single moment. The quality was awful and the movie kept lagging, but it didn't matter when you were watching something as great as Lord of the Rings. I barely paid any attention to Jon, but I felt like I was being watched. When I turned to look at him he was already facing the TV. But I was sure he was looking at me. I decided to let it go and kept watching the movie.

* * *

The first part of the Lord of the Rings had ended and I was still in complete trance. The movie was my favorite for a reason, that reason being it was fucking amazing.

"I'm gonna go for a smoke", Jon said and hopped up.

"I'm coming too", I said and followed him to the balcony. I closed the door after us and turned around to experience a shocking but amazing kiss. He pulled me closer to him and I closed my eyes. The feeling of being so close to him made me feel safe. He kept me close, still kissing me, his tongue swirling around in my mouth. It felt like he was trying to escape from something by entering me. Like he was using my body to get away from something. I was out of breath but he clearly wasn't, as he kept the kiss going on for a painful amount of time. Once he finally stopped and took a step back I wasn't only breathless, but my brain was a mush.

"What was that?" I asked him in broken breaths. He shrugged and lit his cigarette.

"Just felt like doing that", he said as he blew out smoke. I lit my own cigarette and went to the windows. I leaned on the ledge and looked down, the height scaring me a little bit. Whenever I was looking down from a high spot I got this feeling like I had a need to jump. Not the suicidal type, but just this instinct telling me do it. It was weird, but I was guessing it was something that happened to a lot of people.

"Jon, what is this we are doing?" I asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, you kissed me. We hooked up. What does that make us?" I asked. It was hard to ask him this, I felt like I was embarrassing myself but I couldn't take any more confusion. I had to know.

"Well, shit... I don't know. It's not a relationship if that's what you're thinking. It's like friends who occasionally bang", he said and shrugged again.

"That doesn't sound good to me", I said.

"Why? I mean it's the best arrangement you can have. You don't have to commit to anything and you have someone that you can fuck whenever you just happen to feel like it", he said. It did sound pretty good, I was terrified of commitment so maybe this could work. However, I wasn't going to have sex with him in some time. I wanted to build the friendship part first.

"Well, I mean sure it sounds good. But I don't think I'm ready to... you know-"

"Bang? Fuck? Make sweet, sweet love? Have sexual intercourse?" he said cutting me off.

"That's disgusting. And yes, I don't think I'm ready to do that with you yet", I said, hoping he would understand where I was coming from.

"Right... So how long?" he asked.

"Well I don't know. When I feel ready, I'll feel ready. Until then can we just be friends?"

"Sure, we can be friends for now. But I already have a lot of friends, I don't exactly need another one. So if this isn't going to lead to fucking at any point, just say it", he said like it was somehow okay.

"Seriously? That's all you want from me?" I asked, starting to get very frustrated.

"No, it's not all I want from you, for god's sake. Look, I'm not looking for anything complicated right now, like a relationship. Eww, no. But, we can be sexfriends. Like I already said, it's the best arrangement possible", he explained. I took a deep breath and tried to figure out my thoughts as quickly as possible.

"We'll see how things go, alright?" I said with a sigh. My confusion grew even more.

"Alright", he said. I finished my cigarette and just as we were about to go back inside, there was a huge lighting immediately followed by a loud rumbling sound. Thunder.

"Oh fuck", I said as I jogged to the living room to pull out all the plugs I could. I was afraid of the house burning down, even if it was unlikely. But the thunder seemed to be right above the building and I wasn't about to take any risks.

"You know, that's kind of pointless", he said.

"I don't care", I muttered while pulling out the last plug in the apartment.

"Scared of thunder, are we?" Jon asked me as I sat back down on the sofa next to him.

"No, just scared of a lighting burning the house down. It's a shame we can't watch movies anymore", I said.

"I don't mind. We'll do something else", he said.

"Like what?" I asked and before I knew it he had pushed me down onto the couch. He pinned my wrists above my head and attacked my neck with kisses that made my skin crawl.

"Jon, what are you-"

"You know what I'm doing", he said, again he had cut me off. He pulled back from my neck to look at me, still holding my wrists above my head with one hand. He leaned in, his lips brushing against mine and I felt him slide his tongue along my lips.

"You taste so good", he whispered into my ear. He was grinding against me and kissed my lips. It was like he was unable to kiss without shoving his tongue to my throat, but I didn't mind at that moment. I was lost in him and he was lost in me, once again we were trying to escape the world into each others bodies. It was like we were each others Off - buttons. We could press each other to shut down everything in the world and make it feel like there was nothing to worry about. I moaned into the kiss, which made him grunt. He pulled away and it made me miss the feeling of his hot mouth pressing against mine. He looked at me deeply, his eyes looking dark and intense. The loud thunder outside only made my senses grow stronger. He stood up, but I didn't. I lied there, aroused and breathless. He took off his clothes faster than what I thought was possible for a human. He stood in his boxers and grabbed me by my arms to pull me up. I stood in front of him and watched him lick his lips. I lifted my shirt off of my body and it was soon followed by my skinny jeans. We were both in our underwear and our eyes locked for a beautiful second of pure lust and absolute need to get lost. I jumped up and he helped me, lifting me up. I wrapped my arms and legs around his body, his skin feeling like the most comforting thing in the world. We returned to the kiss from which he moved to kiss my neck again. He bit my collarbone gently and I heard him chuckle slightly. I looked down at him to see what he was laughing at and I noticed him staring at the mark he had made earlier.

"This suits you", he said and started to suck on the skin. He used force, I felt like the skin would break. I couldn't help the whimpers and whines that came out of my mouth. He bit my earlobe next, tugging on it roughly. His other hand was on my back and I could feel him pressing me against him hard, even though there was no space between us. He carried me to the kitchen and laid me down on the cold table. I sat up and took off my bra and he pushed me back down roughly once I was done. He then pulled off my panties and his own boxers. He climbed on top of me on the kitchen table and he was kissing, licking and biting my skin. He then got higher and bit my lower lip while rubbing my breasts. His erection pressed against me and I knew what he wanted, no, needed. He kept biting on my lower lip and I felt his teeth tearing the skin apart. I felt myself starting to bleed just a little bit, which made him flinch.

"Shit, sorry", he muttered.

"Don't worry about it", I replied in the heat of the moment. He nodded and I arched my back as I felt him pinch my nipples hard. The more I arched my back, the more he used his weight to slam me back down. He would let me get up and then sit back down on my stomach, making me feel powerless and dominated. He finally let go and rubbed my breasts gently before moving back off of the table. He raised me up and carried me to the bathroom.

"Jon what are you doing?"

"Just let go", he whispered as he slammed me against the bathroom wall, the cold tiles sending shivers to my body just as much as Jon's warmth did. He kept me there, between him and the wall, my legs still around him. He positioned me and himself better and thrust into me with force. His eyes rolled as he was beginning to get lost.

"I can't take it easy with you right now, Sasha", he said in between thrusts. I was nearly screaming because of the force he was pushing himself inside me with. Each thrust filled me completely and there was pain, but the pain was part of the pleasure. He kept the fast pace as my release was building up.

"Darling... You... Are... So... Tight... And... Wet... For me", he hissed into my neck while thrusting with all his force. He didn't slow down, it was like he couldn't. And even though it hurt, I didn't care. Even though I had told him I wasn't ready, right now I was. I was lost in him like he was in me. The only thing in the world was him, there was no shitty past and no current problems, there was nothing but the feeling he was giving me and the one I was giving him. We were just two lost souls fighting for the peace we could give each other. I was getting closer and closer to that peace as was he. His movements became frantic and I squeezed his midsection with my legs as an instinct. My arms were holding on to him hard as well. He lifted his head to kiss me, and the kiss lasted until I was on the brink of my orgasm. His forehead pressed against mine and he watched as I came undone with his next thrust. Only a few more and he came as well. He stopped moving as we were in that mental peace, that blankness in your brain that while only lasted for seconds, was still the greatest escape there was. I came back from that beautiful place to the real world, where Jon was in front of me, still inside of me. He pulled out, both of us still trying to catch our breaths. He put his arms on either side of my head, trapping me between him and the wall. He leaned closer and kissed me in the most gentle way. It caught me by surprise, how this otherwise rough man was now kissing me like I could break if he wasn't careful. He pulled away and turned the shower on. He playfully pushed me under the shower head as the water poured down onto my face and along my body, down to the floor and into the drain. He brushed his fingers along my ribs when something caught his attention. I knew what it was.

"What's this?" he asked, his fingers tracing the marks on my ribs.

"Burns", I whispered.

"Why do you have burn marks on your ribs?" he asked. "And don't say you don't want to talk about it. I'm going to find out". I sighed.

"When mom left for her career, I was still very young so we had a babysitter or whatever. He was this strange guy, but he didn't ask for much pay. And when I did something he didn't like he would stub his cigarettes on my skin. I have them on my back too". Jon spun me around and studied my back. He made a _tsk_ sound, like he found it hard to look at.

"I'm sorry that happened to you", he said to me as he spun me back to face him. I nodded with a fake smile on my face. I knew he knew it was fake, but he didn't push it. And for that I was thankful. He grabbed a bottle of shampoo and placed it in my hand.

"Your hair always smells nice. I want it to smell nice tomorrow too", he said. I let out a laugh and started to wash my hair while he watched my every movement. I rinsed my hair and told him to wash his too, which he did, still looking at me. I was looking at him too, so I couldn't really complain. His body was perfect, his skin shining in the light with the water running down his body. I bit my lip to discover the cut I had gotten earlier because he had bit me, it stung a little but it was alright. I grabbed the soap and started to wash my body. He decided to "help" me with it and massaged the soap everywhere. At least I'd be cleaned well. We finished with the shower, washing out the last traces of soap and shampoo. I threw him a towel after wrapping one around me. I dried my body and went to my closet to pick out something to wear for the night. I put on the biggest t-shirt I had and a fresh pair of panties. I came back to my bedroom to see Jon wearing his old boxers, since he had nothing to change to. He smirked at me and gestured me to come closer. The storm was nearly over, there was just rain outside. I felt like the storm inside of me had calmed down too, at least for now. I stepped closer to him and he pulled me into a tight hug, which lead to us both crashing down onto the bed. I was tired as hell and ready to fall asleep and getting to do it in his arms was perfection at it's purest form. I rested my head on his chest and he wrapped an arm around me. He kissed the top of my head as I stroked his stomach.

"I have to go again tomorrow", he whispered.

"I know... when are you coming back?" I asked.

"I can come by tomorrow night if you want", he said. It made me smile. I was pretty sure this wasn't just about the sex for him, even if that's what he was trying to convince himself.

"Sounds great", I said and yawned. Soon after, I fell asleep feeling safe and happy with him being right there with me.

* * *

**So this is what I do when there are guests in the house. Long live social awkwardness.**


	5. Personal Salvation

I woke up to a new day, this time knowing I'd be alone in the bed. It didn't hurt as much when you knew what to expect. I still preferred him being there, but he wasn't and there was nothing I could do about that. Besides, he would come back later that night. But right now, I had a whole day to myself. It was weird, though, as I was used to doing things with Laura and Rose and neither of them was available. I got out of bed, a bed that still smelled like Jon. It was already noon, so I didn't have that much time to spend. I was one of those people who got bored very easily and definitely needed something to do. I went to the kitchen and made coffee for myself to go with my morning cigarette. Once I had finished my morning routine I sat back down on my bed, trying to figure out something to keep the boredom away, and decided to go shopping. I put on some music and gathered my make up and hair straightener and carried them to the living room where the speakers and mirror were. I sat down in front of it and placed all my stuff down on the dresser. I did my make up first, which didn't take long. I wasn't a big fan of make up, but I still used it. I applied foundation, powder, blush and mascara. I was done in less than ten minutes and moved on to my hair. I straightened it and decided to leave it the way it was, a little messy but still looking just fine. It was time to choose what clothes I would wear, and I went with black skinny jeans and a white top with a dark blue cardigan. I grabbed my bag and left the apartment. It was the first time in my life I was going shopping on my own, actually. It was already stressful and I could feel my palms getting sweaty as I walked towards the familiar stores. I wanted to turn around and go back home but I didn't, as that would be like giving up. I loved the way the street looked, the buildings on my side were red and it made a nice contrast with the asphalt I was walking on. The gentle breeze of the wind made me the air feel fresh and everything seemed to be perfect. I continued walking until I reached my favorite shoe store. I never wore high heels unless it was absolutely necessary, but I did like buying all kinds of sneakers. The crazier the detail the more I would probably like them. The shop was peaceful and there weren't many clients. The walls were beige and there were beautiful pieces of local art hung up on the walls. As I walked towards a wall with sneakers presented on it, I instantly noticed a pair of shoes that seemed to be perfect for me. They were colored to look like space, which I loved. The price wasn't too painful either so I went to the register with them and purchased the awesome galactic shoes. I was happy with myself, not only had I left home even though I suffered from social anxiety, I had also bought something. As I stepped out my phone rang. The caller was a surprise to me, it was my mother.

"Hello?" I started the phone call with a voice that didn't give out any emotion, even though I had a lot of them swirling inside of me.

"Hello, Sasha!" she started. "I have some news for you... But it isn't good ones", she explained. Shit.

"What is it then?" I asked dryly as I looked around me to scan whether or not there were too many people around for me to start screaming if necessary.

"I am unable to send you any money this month, and I don't know when I can start sending money again", she stated. Wait, what the hell? I shook my head to get the stunned feeling to leave my brain.

"What? Then how am I supposed to survive? You are my only income!" I protested.

"Don't you dare get an attitude with me, I am your mother! Stop being lazy and get a job, that's what I did", she said. I burst out laughing. That's it then? I would get no say in this?

"Yeah, you got a job! And you left me and Rose for it. Everything went like in a fairy tale, right?"

"Sasha, don't", she warned me, but I was too far to go back.

"Yes I will! Exactly why aren't you sending me money?" I asked. There was a long pause.

"Well, I made some investments that didn't exactly pay off, and my job requires traveling. I'm sorry, but I have to save money somewhere and have decided that for now it's going to be you that has to take one for the team", she said.

"What team?! There is no team, there is no family! I cannot believe you'd rather leave your own daughter all alone trying to just find away to survive instead of maybe cutting back on your five star hotel rooms and hundred dollar lunches", I poured out. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, how could she be doing this to me?

"And what about Rose, huh? How will she survive? Does she know?" I asked, my voice more calm but my insides even closer to exploading.

"Yeah, that's another thing... Do not get upset, but I'm still sending money to Rose, I feel like she needs it more than you do. You know how she's always been, she can't be forced to work".

"BUT IT'S OKAY TO DO THAT WITH ME?" I now shouted loudly enough for everyone around to hear.

"Yes. You know I hate to do this-"

"No you don't. You love to do this. This is your payback for me being born. You've always hated me, but guess what? I hate you too. I hate you more than I hate the man you fucked that I now have for a dad. I am sick of this, all my life I've been non existant to you, a stain in your life you just wanted to get rid off. I am your child, I was born into this world because of you so take some fucking responsibility!" I hissed at her, all the bad memories and emotions somehow finally forming words that I had wanted to say for a long time.

"... Sasha, quite frankly I am sick of your attitude. Do not blame me for the fact that you've always been a disappointment", she said, crushing me inside even more.

"A disappointment?" was all I managed to say, and even that came out as a whisper. There was a long sigh on the other end.

"I'm done with this phone call. Get a job and grow up, Sasha. You can't just receive everything in your life without working for it", she said with an ignorant tone in his voice.

"But I've worked for everything I've-" I tried to say but she hung up on me mid sentence. I couldn't believe what was now happening. I hadn't graduated because I had been promised it would be okay, my mother had sworn to me that I could always count on her. And now, she was just another liar who left me in shit without thinking twice about it. I was left standing there, without a proper education, no job and no income. All I had was my pair of space sneakers. I groaned out loud as I started the walk back to the apartment. So much for spending the day shopping, as now I didn't have anything to shop with. I had enough money to make it through the rest of the month, but after that it would all go downhill if I didn't manage to get a job, which was highly unlikely considering I hadn't gone through high school. I was furious and needed to come up with a plan. It wouldn't be easy, but then again nothing ever was. I was used to making the best out of shitty situations. I just thought maybe I'd finally have a break from that shit. The world had been perfect for a full day before another obstacle came my way, this time that being the phone call that told me I was pretty much screwed. I nearly jogged to the apartment, I didn't want to be outside for any longer. I closed the door behind me roughly and as soon as it was closed, I crumbled to the floor. I didn't know how much more I could take, how many more obstacles I would have to overcome, when the hell was it all going to end? When would I get to be that happy girl without a care in the world? There was only one thing I knew that could help me pull myself back together. It was something I shouldn't do. Something I hadn't done in a long time. But today I felt like I didn't have any other choice. I could feel my eyes tearing up, and I had always been taught not to cry. And to not cry there had to be another release. And that release was the ever so devious blade that had been hidden in box of random stuff in my room for almost a year. It had been almost a year since the last time I used it. But I couldn't help it, I would rather bleed than cry. I contained myself from the floor and walked to my room calmly. I took off my jeans and threw them to a corner in the room and looked at the now almost invisible scars there. I brushed my finger along the lines lightly, holding the razor in my other hand. I didn't cut my wrists because I was a fan of t-shirts and didn't want people to see what I'd done to myself. I preferred my left leg. I sat down on the bed and pressed the blade onto my skin. I dragged it slowly to feel the adrenaline overcome every other feeling. I could feel wetness almost instantly after starting the first cut, and the feeling made me feel better instantly. It was true razorblade salvation. I made two more cuts until I was no longer on the verge of crying. The adrenaline slowly turned to calmness. I didn't know why it did, but seeing myself bleed made me happy. I guess I just felt like if I hurt myself today, maybe the world would go easier on me tomorrow. Maybe the universe wouldn't have to hurt me if I did it myself. I saw the red liquid flow down, almost hitting the bed sheet. Before it could I grabbed the closest piece of fabric to me and made sure any blood coming from the wounds would hit it so there wouldn't be any mess on the bed. When the cuts had dried, I hugged my knees as I cried on the inside for god knows how long, trying to find comfort in the covers and pillows.

* * *

It had been two hours since the incident with the razorblade. I had cleaned my cuts, the water had stung hard. But I knew it would only sting the first time I washed them, the next time I probably wouldn't feel anything. I was sitting in the kitchen, drinking a beer. I was wearing sweatpants with the pant legs rolled up to my knees. The beer was cold and my mind was calm. It sucked how good cutting made me feel, because now I remembered why I had been addicted to it a year earlier. I didn't think I would repeat the incident this time, I just couldn't take the risk of getting addicted to it again. I was calm but there was instant regret as well. A battle between the two feelings, which the beer would have to help me solve. After all, it wouldn't even matter if regret won, it was already done and I would have to live with three new scars. And that was okay to me, it wasn't new and it wasn't anyone else's problem. It was 3 pm and I was just sitting around. I decided to go see if there were any jobs available nearby, trying to not only forget cutting myself and act like it never happened, but also to see what my future looked like. I opened my laptop and searched through different sites taking the occasional sip from my beer. There were jobs, but hardly any that I was qualified to work for. I found jobs for waitresses, but the hours weren't enough so I wouldn't be making even close to enough money. I was groaning out loud, I was just so frustrated. I shut the laptop and went to get my pack of cigarettes from my room, where the blade still was on the nightstand. I palmed it, washed it and placed it back into the box, resisting the temptation of repeating my actions. I went to the balcony and sat down on the black chair, just looking at the world; the grey clouds and the leaves falling off of the trees, moving with the wind creating a beautiful wave of yellow and red. Soon I went back inside and decided to watch some TV to kill the boredom until Jon arrived.

* * *

I instantly felt better when I heard knocking on my door. I hopped up from the couch and rushed to it. I opened it and was glad to notice it was truly Jon at the door and not another shitty surprise from life.

"Hello", I said as I moved out of his way.

"Hey", he replied and walked straight to the kitchen where he opened up the fridge.

"You hungry?" I asked him. His stomach answered for him, rumbling loudly.

"Yes, yes I am", he replied. I walked over to him and started to pick out things that I could actually make a meal out of.

"I'm not exactly a chef, but I should be able to put together something like spaghetti. Would that do?" I asked him and noticed he had a genuine smile on his face.

"Of course", he said and I grabbed a pan for the sauce and a pot for the spaghetti. I poured water into the pot and placed it on top of the stove and waited for it to start boiling. In the meantime I started on the sauce, which I was hoping wouldn't turn out to taste like shit.

"Anything I can do?" Jon asked as he wrapped his arms around my body from behind me, kissing my neck.

"Not really, I think I can do this on my own. So how did everything go?"

"It was great. We trained a lot and taped the next episode", he said.

"Oh yeah, you have a show on TV. I didn't even remember that". I instantly thought that I had to see him perform.

"Yeah. So how did everything go around here?" he asked. The dreaded question to which I was about to answer with a lie.

"Oh, just normal. Boring, nothing happened", I said hastily and I could hear how it clearly sounded like a lie. Jon didn't say anything, but instead thought about something for a moment. He then just replied with a simple "okay" and went to sit down. Soon I was finished with cooking and I placed a plate that was filled with food in front of him. I had another plate for myself and sat down opposite of him. I was sure the food would taste bad, I wasn't used to cooking. But he didn't seem to think so as he cleared his plate without a single complaint.

"I think it's attractive when a girl can cook", he said with a grin after finishing his dish.

"Well, I can't. This is literally the only thing I've made before", I replied.

"That doesn't matter, it tasted great".

"Thanks", I said and finished my own plate. I took the dishes and put them in the sink, they would have to wait until later. I looked at the microwave which told me it was 10 pm. I wondered if tomorrow would be as boring as today was.

"What are your plans for tomorrow?" I asked Jon, sort of hoping I wouldn't have to be alone.

"There's a live show they're doing, I'm going to be wrestling there", he said with those eyes of his all excited again.

"Oh, that's awesome. Can I come?" I asked, I didn't want to step on his toes or anything but I thought it would be nice.

"Sure", he said to my surprise. I had already accepted the 'no' I was expecting.

"Great. When are we leaving?"

"About six p.m. so that I can warm up there and do all that shit", he answered. I nodded at him, wondering whether or not I should tell him about my current money situation. I decided against it, it wasn't his business and I'd figure out how to handle it all on my own.

"I'm pretty tired so do you mind if we just go to bed?" he asked. I shrugged. I could understand he was tired, it was obvious considering how much he had done that day and I was emotionally drained myself, so maybe saying goodbye to this day and hello to tomorrow was a good idea.

"No I don't mind at all", I answered. Shortly after I climbed to the bed where he was already all comfy and warm. I got in and slipped off my pants under the covers. I threw them to the floor and looked at the ceiling, my eyes starting to adjust to the darkness surrounding me. Jon was lying on his side, looking at me. I turned by head to the side to look back at him. His lids were like hoods covering his eyes.

"What?" I whispered to him when he looked puzzled.

"Nothing", he said but then climbed on top of me.

"I'm tired and I thought you were too", I whispered.

"I'll be quick", he said and I couldn't help the giggle that came out of my mouth. He was touching me again, trying to get me turned on for him. It wasn't a hard thing to do, but I appreciated the amount of prepping he did to make sure I was aroused. He kept his little game of foreplay going on for some time and then climbed off of the bed.

"You looked so fucking hot the last time I made you cum like this and I'm going to see it again", he explained as crouched to the floor and started to pull my body closer to him. He suddenly stopped and gripped my leg harshly. When I attempted to see what was going on I could see he was in a state of rage, his eyes snapped up to look at mine and they pierced their way right into my soul.

"What the fuck is this?" he asked, pointing at my now exposed cuts.


	6. Teaching Lessons

**There is BDSM elements and slight blood in this chapter. You have been warned.**

* * *

I was in a state of slow motion shock. I had already forgot about the cuts, I didn't think about them at all when this had all happened. But now, in this situation filled with fear, shame and anger there was no way out. I couldn't come up with words and every second felt like an eternity fading away. It felt like an entire lifetime had passed, even though it was probably just a few agonizing seconds, when he repeated his question.

"Sasha! What the fuck is this?" he asked me, still in a state of absolute rage at it's purest form. I still couldn't make the letters in my brain turn into the words that would form the sentences I should have said to him. I wanted to explain, but I couldn't. My mouth was so dry and my voice didn't even exist at that point. My eyes were locked into his steely ones and no matter how bad I hoped that closing my eyes could make me go somewhere away from this situation, I couldn't even close them. His gaze, it was something so intense there were no limitations as to what he could do to me, what he could make me feel. And now, he was making me feel this burning, like a volcano erupting. It was regret above all else, but I knew in those slow seconds that cutting myself had actually helped at the time and I was more than willing to deal with the consequences later on. Well, at least that's what I had thought.

"ANSWER ME", he shouted. My lip was trembling and his screaming made me shiver. I came back from that blank space in my brain to the room filled with agony. I slowly shook my head and tried to pull my leg closer to me, but he had a grip on my ankle and refused to let go.

"I'm not going to tell you again", he said, this time with a calmer, but more dangerous voice. The one he used when he meant business, it came low from his throat.

"I-I-I... I did th-them", I stuttered out, having great difficulty trying to form words.

"Why?" he asked through gritted teeth.

"I've been ha-having some i-issues..." I whispered, my voice quieting down by the end of the sentence.

"WHAT ISSUES?" he shouted again, making me flinch at the sudden raising of his voice. His grip on my ankle tightened and he was hurting me now.

"That hu-hurts", I stuttered. He didn't care.

"Don't you dare make me repeat myself".

"My mom isn't going to support me anymore so I'm broke without a job!" I blurted out as I shut my eyes, as if this all could go away if I didn't see it. But I could feel it, and it was real.

"And you hurt yourself because of that? What the fuck?"

"It was all just too much and I needed to get rid of the feeling and it helped", I said, my eyes still firmly shut.

"Are you a fucking idiot?!" he yelled. I didn't reply with any words, I just shook my head. I mustered up an answer after a break of silence.

"You do not know what I've been through, Jon. You don't get to say that what I did was wrong", I tried to say it as firm answer, but out came an uncertain, small whisper. He was laughing sarcastically.

"You need to learn a fucking lesson about life", he said with coldness in his voice. I now opened my eyes ever so slightly just to see him get up from the bed and walking out of the room. I was trying to catch my breath, which had become unbelievably frantic. I felt like there were stones inside of me, like I was heavier than the earth, there was so much emotional baggage pressing against my heart and internal organs. I took in a sharp breath and slowly let it out whilst staring at the white ceiling, as if there would be an answer there. An answer that would help me out of this. I had no idea where Jon was, but I hadn't heard the front door opening or closing so I was guessing he was still in the apartment. I quickly looked at my ankle, which was red and I could see some bruising starting to form there. I let out a long sigh as I pressed my head back against one of the pillows. What now? Those two words were the only ones I had in my mind. Soon I got my answer when Jon walked back into the room with his backpack. He was still looking pissed, but like he had something big in his mind. He opened the zipper on it and shuffled through the bag, clearly trying to find something there.

"Close your eyes", he told me.

"What? No!"

"Do it", he said again using that tone in his voice that made it necessary to do as he told. I closed my eyes and felt insanely scared of him. I knew he had a strange side to him, but I hadn't thought that it would apply to me. That he would use that side on me. I could hear him drop the backpack and walk over to the bed. He harshly grabbed my wrist and before I realized what was happening he had cuffed both my wrists together through the bed frame. I was locked into place, completely vulnerable and at his mercy. And I didn't like it one fucking bit. My eyes shot open and I saw him mockingly laugh at me, staring down at me from his full weight. Something about it made my stomach twist. I was terrified of him, because this wasn't the Jon I knew. This was someone else. Someone sick, twisted and sadistic, far from Jonathan Good.

"Jon don't", I stuttered again.

"Don't what? You need to learn a lesson, I'll teach you a lesson. This is your punishment for your bad behaviour", he explained calmly, matter of fact.

"I'm not a dog!"

"Pretty sure a bitch is a dog, so I'd say you are", he said huskily.

"Why the hell are you carrying these things anyway?" I asked him, my voice completely shattered broken.

"I had some... ideas for tomorrow, but hey! At least now I don't have to ask you if you're cool with it. You don't get to choose now", he told me. Shivers flew down my spine as he stroked my cheek softly, that caring side of him showing. But I felt like he did it only to mess with my mind, he clearly knew how to get under my skin. He knew I needed to be in control, which is exactly why he liked seeing me lose it to him. He wanted to see me lose the game of minds and bodies. He picked up the backpack again, this time taking out a dog collar. He walked over and stroked the leather on it. He forcefully wrapped it around my neck just a little bit too tight. It felt uncomfortable and dangerous and I didn't want any part of what was happening.

"See, I told you. You are a dog! My own little bitch", he chuckled at my humiliation. I was left speechless, there was nothing to be said that hadn't already been said. I didn't know how to make him stop, I didn't think there was even a way to make him stop. He picked up his pants, which he had thrown to the floor earlier. He slid off the leather belt that they had around them and dropped his jeans back on to the floor. He came over to me and slowly dragged the leather across my stomach. I was still wearing my t-shirt, but nothing else. And I could see the wheels turning in his head when he noticed the shirt was in his way. He grabbed a pair of scissors from my dresser and harshly cut through the fabric, the cold metal pressing against my chest as he moved on. My whimpers and whines meant nothing to him. He pulled the shirt from underneath me and I was left completely naked. I kept whining and begging him to stop being the way he was.

"Jon... Please, please, please let me go. I promise I'll never bring this up! Please".

"If you don't shut the fuck up I'm going to gag you", he said, raising an eyebrow at me. The collar was making me feel anxious and suffocated, even though it didn't really affect my breathing. It was just the feeling of being restrained that made me uncomfortable, like a caged tiger. I didn't know what to think, because I could feel myself getting wet. But just because my body wanted him didn't mean my mind did. Well, it did, but not this way. Absolutely not this way.

"Is that clear?"

"Yes", I whispered, realizing that begging wouldn't help me. I felt the leather sliding across my stomach again, before a sharp noise echoed in the air, instantly followed by a burning pain on my skin. I arched my back at the pain, it was so bad. It felt like the belt had torn through my skin and was burning me from the inside. I couldn't even make a sound, I was just being there with my back arched and my eyes and mouth wide open with shock. I could feel my eyes watering too as I slowly lowered back to the bed, the pain indescribable.

"OOOOOWW", Jon laughed. He was mocking me. My wrists pressed hard against the cuffs and it hurt like a bitch, but nearly as much as the mark the belt had left on me.

"And there's more too", he said. The words coming out of his mouth hung in the air but never quite registered, I was in another world, in a world of pain. I was kicking the bed to get the feeling out of my system, which only pissed Jon off even more.

"Stop moving", he ordered, but I couldn't. He groaned and slapped me right across my face. That stopped me on my tracks. And what was the worst was that the slap was actually making my body need him even more. I turned my head to look at him and while his face didn't give out anything, his eyes were filled with desire. He grabbed one more thing from the backpack before throwing it across the room. He kept his hand behind his back so I had no idea what he was holding. He placed the object on the dresser behind him so that I couldn't see it. His grip on the belt made his knuckles go white as he raised it in the air and hit my stomach with it again. I screamed for him to stop, my body trashing around, but this only made him repeat his actions over and over again, until I was a sobbing mess. The pain was the worst I had ever felt. He then hit my breasts with the belt, the metal part of it clinging onto my skin each time. My wrists were in pain, the skin broken there. The combination of the spanking, the collar and the cuffs was overwhelming. There was nothing I could do about the pain that was being inflicted on me. He surprised me when he leaned down to kiss me, his tongue roaming inside my mouth. He then licked the tears off of my face, which was a very strange experience. He got back up and unlocked the cuffs. I thought it would all be over now, but that wasn't the case. He flipped me over to my stomach and slapped my ass hard. He did it again and again, until I was at my breaking point.

"That's gonna look soooo pretty tomorrow baby", he murmured as he touched my ass, tracing the redness with his palm and rubbing it. I was growling under his touch. I hated myself for wanting him, the feeling had gone from just physical to emotional as well. I needed him, I needed his approval and gentleness. He shifted me to be on my knees but they gave in. I couldn't stay up, I had no power left.

"If you don't stay in that fucking position I swear to god I will never end this", he said right into my ear. I didn't react but when he helped me back into position I stayed that way. I don't know how I did it, probably on pure adrenaline since it was the only thing I had left. He picked the unknown item off of the dresser and positioned himself behind me. He had taken off his boxers and his extremely hard erection was pressing against my soaking entrance.

"I love how wet you get for me", he explained as he pushed in just the tip. It was torture. I moaned loudly only to receive another sharp slap on my bottom.

"You do not make any noise or movement without permission", he said. I bit my lower lip to the point of blood to keep myself quiet as he painfully slowly pushed in just a little more. I needed him to be inside of me so bad. He pulled my hair, bending my neck back as he pushed in a little more, his other hand firmly gripping my waist and I felt his nails digging into my skin. He suddenly thrust in with full force, nearly tearing me apart. I bit hard onto my lip which was already bleeding. He groaned loudly and his voice echoed in the room. The pain mixed with the pleasure felt so amazing.

"You can make noise now", he said and raked my back with his nails, still holding onto my hair with the other hand. I instantly let out a string of cusses and moans, which made him laugh. He pulled out and thrust back in, again using all his force. His hips kept snapping into me frantically. The pace in which he was going was so fast I felt like I would explode inside. He slowed down and let go of the grip he had on my hair. He pushed my face down onto the bed, bending me. He stopped thrusting for a moment and I could hear him shuffling behind me. Soon he returned to the thrusts, building me up mercilessly. It didn't take me long to reach my peak and with just another thrust everything went to white and all I could feel was the biggest orgasm of my life taking over my entire body and mind, everything feeling just amazing for a moment that felt like a sweet eternity. I felt Jon cum inside me as well at the same moment I started to come down from the high. Suddenly, I was taken over by a sharp stinging pain on my left leg. I became aware of a liquid being there and as soon as Jon pulled out of me I turned to look at it. He had cut me. In his hand was a switchblade and on my leg was a cut. It wasn't bleeding that much, but it was at a very sensitive spot and the stinging sharp pain felt really awful. I turned to look at Jon who was lying on the bed almost breathless from the sex. He hooked a finger under the collar and pulled me close to him. He took off the collar and threw it on to the floor next to the cuffs. My body was beaten as was my mind, but I felt above all else relieved. He kissed my forehead before getting up from the bed and exiting for a while. I was trying to make my heart calm down as I heard him trying to find something. A few minutes later he came in with disinfectant and a bandage that he had cut out. I laid there emotionless as he cleaned the cut, even when the pain hit I was unable to react. He covered the cut and laid down next to me.

"The lessons to be learned here are as follows:  
1. The only person in the entire world that gets to hurt you is me.  
2. I know where your limit goes and I know for a fact you loved every second of it.  
3. When you're hurt I'll always fix you", he explained. And he was right. My body and mind had loved it, at least in the end. For some reason, I wasn't angry at him. But I had been very scared of him.

"Talk to me", he whispered into my ear as he pulled be close. I was laying on my side and he was careful not to touch my back or ass. Every part of my body was ruined.

"I don't know what to say", I whispered.

"Are you okay?"

"... It hurts".

"I know it does. But you're going to be okay, because I'm here and as long as you are with me you're going to alright", he said as he nuzzled against my neck where he kissed me.

"Okay", I whispered.


	7. Your Passion

A lot of stuff going on. Will update as soon as I can.

* * *

"Will you hurry the fuck up? I don't want to be late", he shouted from the living room. It was almost six o'clock and I could tell he just wanted to go already. I was just hoping he would understand the struggle of finding a sweater that was loose and that covered my neck from a pile of clothes. I couldn't find one so instead I put on a hoodie and applied foundation to my neck so that the red mark wouldn't show. Once I was finished covering what he had done to me the night before I grabbed my bag and left the room.

"I'm ready".

"Well thank god", he answered as he rushed out of the apartment and to his car with me trailing right behind him. It was unfair that he was going so fast, one of his steps was like three of mine. But I had to admit his passion for wrestling was adorable to watch. I sat down on the passengers seat as he started the engine and begun to drive. Everything was really beautiful outside, the fall was soon going to become winter and the darkness had already fallen on the city streets. He was tapping the steering wheel and mumbling to himself, probably singing some random song. I looked down at my wrists, red marks there too. I rubbed the other wrist with my hand and it reminded me of the pain from yesterday. The pain would stay there as long as these stupid red spots were visible.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked me. I shrugged because quite frankly, I didn't know.

"Everything and nothing", I replied and quickly looked up at him, not knowing if I had the right to do so. I had been feeling jumpy all day and had planned my every move around him. I didn't want it to be that way, but it was. I guess I was still kind of scared knowing what he could do. But at the same time his comforting words from yesterday were ringing in my mind. "I'll fix you", he had told me. And I believed him. But he was the one that had broken me in the first place. Hadn't he restrained me, violated me, there would not have been anything for him to fix.

"Right, you now I saw you rubbing your wrist. Are you angry?" he asked and I could feel his eyes on my body, just staring at me and waiting for an answer.

"No", I whispered.

"Scared?"

"I guess so"

"Why? I'm not going to do anything to you"

"You already did, Jon", I protested with a sarcastic laugh and he growled, now looking straight ahead.

"To teach you a lesson. If you learned your lesson it won't happen again", he said.

"Right", I muttered.

"Are you going to be like that all day? Because the last thing I need in my mind when I'm in the ring is you being a bitch", he said while gripping the steering wheel tightly.

"Sorry, I just have a lot on my mind and I need to sort things out", I answered with a sigh, finally becoming myself again. He was right, I had talked to him like an immature prick, but in my defense I was a complete mess at that point.

"Yeah, I get that but I just need you to be you. Tonight is one of the biggest nights of my life, alright?"

"Alright", I replied with a small smile on my face, like I was trying to convince him everything was okay. The rest of the trip was silent until we got to a small building. He hopped out of the car after parking and grabbed his stuff. I opened the door on my side and got out only to feel the fabric of my hoodie pressing against the wounds from the belt. I hissed and bent over while holding my stomach, which only made my already sore ass feel pain from the skinny jeans I had chosen to wear. I got back up as soon as the pain hit, it hadn't been so bad when I had been sitting in the car. Jon walked over to me with an annoying smirk on his face as he reached out to pick me up. His other arm was around my back while the other was lifting me from underneath my knees. I felt like shit and he seemed to find it funny.

"Did I break you?" he asked me like it was an ordinary thing to say.

"You hurt me but you didn't break me", I said through gritted teeth, trying to fight against the sensation of pain.

"Too bad", he said before kissing me deeply. I kissed him back and oh my god this man could make me feel the strongest emotions. He put me back down carefully and even though it hurt it was nice to know he was there to make sure I was okay. He lead me inside the building and showed me around even though there wasn't really anything to see in it. He then walked me to the area where the actual show would happen and for the first time in my life I saw a wrestling ring. It was a new experience, on that I was very much enjoying. The best part was seeing him get so excited about just being there and knowing he would get to wrestle. He lead me to the front row and pushed me down on one of the chairs. I knew he would now leave to go get ready for the show, which I didn't really like. I wanted to be here, but not all by myself.

"You know what happens now, darling", he said and I nodded.

"Trust me, you are going to love it", he continued.

"Yeah, I know. This is just really new to me", I explained.

"I can understand that, yeah. Just relax, people pay to see this stuff", he said. I nodded again and with that he walked to the back, leaving me alone just waiting for the show to start.

The show had been great and highly entertaining and was just about to wrap up. There was only the main event left and I had yet to see Jon, so I figured he would get to main event. The fans in the audience had been very passionate and interested in what they were watching, which made the experience that much better. A song started to play and out came non other than Jon. He was not alone though, as with him was another man. They entered the ring and I couldn't help but adore the way he carried himself, with such arrogance and pride. I could tell he was being himself with the volume turned up to maximum. He had my full attention and when the contest started I realized he was in what they called a tag team match, as Jon had once explained to me. The contest started and the crowd was completely into it, chanting all kinds of stuff and I had a hard time believing so much noise could come from such a small crowd. The match went on with Jon and the other guy being on top for the most part of the contest until finally getting the win. The crowd was cheering as the show ended and the competitors exited the ring. I wasn't really sure what to do as the audience started to leave the building after some time, so I decided to stay in place. I didn't have to wait for long until I saw Jon swaggering his way towards me, still seemingly in his "Jon Moxley" character, which was kind of exciting. He bent over and rested his hands on the metal between my seat and the ringside area, obnoxiously chewing his gum and just staring at me.

"You liked it", he said, more of a statement than a question.

"Yeah, I did. You were awesome", I said with a smile. He smirked at me and kept chewing his gum annoyingly loud and I could feel my eye starting to twitch.

"I know, babe, I know. I need to get my shit before we leave so you need to hop over that barricade". He rose up and pulled me to a standing position by my arms.

"Come on, I'll help you", he stated. I placed my hands on the rail and hopped over with ease. He frowned at me.

"What's up with that look?" I asked him.

"I just wanted you to have to ask for help", he said and shrugged before wrapping an arm around my waist. He pulled me closer to him and I scoffed as he started walking to the back, still holding my body tightly against his. We stepped behind the curtain and shortly after left the building to go back to my apartment, although it probably wouldn't be for long.

I was sitting on a sofa, going through the newspaper to see if there were any jobs available that I couldn't find on the internet. It all seemed really hopeless, the jobs either didn't pay enough or I didn't fit their description of a good enough employee. Jon had been eyeing me for a long time as if there was something he wanted to say, but every time I asked him what was in his mind he had replied with "nothing" or "it doesn't matter". I put down the paper and turned to him sitting next to me. I looked into his eyes and could see his lips pulling into a smile. I was going to get to the bottom of whatever his thoughts were.

"Okay, I've waited enough. What's going on?" I asked him and he could no longer hide his ridiculous grin.

"Come on, tell me!" I said and playfully punched him in the arm. His firm, big, muscly, perfect arm...

"I don't know how to tell you", he said and rubbed his arm, as if he was hurt. "And I don't know if I want to tell you now either. You have hurt my feelings". He turned his head to the side, faking being offended. I cupped his face with my hand and kissed him softly. He turned his head to return the kiss but I pulled back.

"Not until you tell me", I said and bit my lip. He looked annoyed which meant I had succeeded at my attempt to frustrate him.

"You are devious. Alright, so, I got this phone call today about getting a job at another wrestling promotion, which would pay me more", he said.

"That's amazing, what's the problem?" I asked, there was something suspicious about his behavior.

"Well... It's in Philadelphia. I'd sort of, have to move in there because it would make it easier to do the shows", he explained.

"Oh...", I managed to say. He frowned.

"Now it's my turn to ask, what's the problem?"

"I don't know, it's just... well, what now? You leave to Philadelphia and it just... God I don't know. Look, I'm happy for you and wish you the best of luck", I said with my best fake smile. He looked somewhat disappointed.

"I thought you'd like to come with me", he said and shrugged. It looked like it took a lot out of him to tell me this.

"What? Why would I?" I asked rather shocked at his statement.

"I don't know, I just automatically thought you would. Are you going to?"

"What am I to you?" I blurted out without thinking it through. This could all go downhill really fast. Instead of shutting down and storming out he stayed there, which was the best I could have hoped for.

"Uuhh... I don't want to put like a, ya know, like a label on it. But I mean, yeah, like I think I'd like you to come alright?" he said.

"We don't even know each other that well. This is all kinds of fucked up, whatever this all is between us, it's not normal! We just fuck and you practically live here but it's all happening really fast because I've only known you for days, Jon", I stated, the words coming out of my mouth with such speed he probably didn't hear a damn thing. I took in a deep breath and let it out.

"So what? Is there a certain way in which you have to be with another person?"

"I guess not, but-"

"There doesn't have to be a but, you know", he protested.

"That's just a lot to take in. I have to think about it. How much time do I have to decide?

"Four days"

"FOUR?!"

"Yup, four. Look, this is a huge opportunity for me but I just don't want to go there without you, I don't know why and I don't really care why. Just... please?"

"I'll think about it", I said. My head was about to explode, it was filled with thoughts. I wanted to say yes immediately, but I figured it would be better to consider it, even if there wasn't much time to think. This would have to be enough for him right now.

"That's all I can ask for", he said and smiled. Damn those dimples were my biggest weakness.

"Now", he said as he made his way closer to me, "I think you owe me something", he stated before pulling me into a perfect kiss. I moaned into the kiss which only made him feel more confident. I was lying on my back as he laid on top of me, still kissing me again and again. It hurt a lot to have his weight on top of my bruised skin, but I was unable to care. He felt so good against my skin even when it was broken, my body responded to him in a way I didn't think was possible. Before I knew it he was tugging on my jeans.

"Behave", I whispered.

"There isn't a chance in hell", he chuckled and bit on my lower lip. It didn't take long for him to already be inside of me, pumping in and out until we both came. After lying there so close to him for a while, I turned to him and suddenly my hidden thoughts escaped.

"I want to move to Philadelphia with you".


	8. Trust Issues

**Hey, sorry for it taking so long but I have so much stuff going on right now it's unbelievable. And it sucks. Anyway, new chapter.**

* * *

I had just finished packing all my things into brown cardboard boxes. I got up from my crouching position and stretched, my spine feeling jammed. I knew there was much still to do, mainly things that had to do with other people. I would have to tell my sister I'd be gone and talk to my best friend, whom which I hadn't heard from in a long time. The apartment looked very cold and empty without all my personal items scattered everywhere. It was like I hadn't lived there at all, not a single mark was left from me living there. I walked onto the balcony and picked up my phone to call Rose. She soon answered.

"Hey", I heard her mutter.

"Yeah, so, I'm moving out of the apartment and was wondering if you still wanted to keep the place to yourself", I stated. There were no sweet words or greetings, I wanted to get straight to the point.

"Uhh, right, no I don't need it"

"Well come pick up your stuff then, I'm leaving tonight and you have until the end of the week to get your stuff".

"Not possible. I'm not anywhere near there right now. That's something for you to deal with", she said, snorted and hung up. I knew the phone call wouldn't go well because of her attitude, but the amount of frustration I got out of every conversation I had with her surprised me each time. I calmly placed the phone on the glass table and lit up a cigarette. No wonder I was a smoker with all that people shit in my life. It was weird that this was all happening, but I was just sick of saying no to everything. Why not just once say yes and see what happens? It would be a new experience anyway. I wasn't naive, there were many ways in which this could all go terribly wrong, but I was going to try my hardest to make this work. Besides, Jon had asked me out of all the people he knew to go with him, and even though I hated to admit it, I was getting the feelings for him. Not love, no, definitely not love, but something that I couldn't quite point out. It was, however, an amazing feeling to have and I was far from ready to let it go. I finished smoking, picked up my cell and went back inside. Jon wasn't there yet, but he was supposed to show up in a few hours. I had nothing but time to kill and I knew the one thing I had to do was call Laura, my best friend. Hopefully this phone call wouldn't be as shitty as the one I had with Rose had been. I took in a deep breath and let it out before calling the number on the screen of my phone.

"Hey!" I started. Laura had picked up almost instantly.

"Hey", she replied.

"Are you busy at the moment or can you talk?" There was a sigh on her end.

"I'm available for now, yeah", she muttered.

"Are you okay? You don't sound okay".

"I'm fine, alright? Why are you calling me?" This was weird of her.

"Uhh, because you are my best friend?" There was another pause.

"Shit, you're right. Sorry, seriously, but I'm exhausted. Mom is going to get out of the hospital though, so maybe I'll catch a break then. I'm not going to be able to come to Cincinnati though. I need to stay with her for now"

"I get it... I'm moving to Philadelphia", I said, biting my lip.

"Ohh... Great"

"Did you hear what I just said?", I asked with a laugh.

"Yeah... You're moving, that's cool", she yawned.

"What's going on? Don't you have any questions or anything?"

"Nah, I'm good. Our relationship hasn't been that great as of late with me being here all the time anyway so I don't blame you for moving on"

"Moving on? What? I'm not moving on from you, Laura. I told you, I get the fact that you don't have it easy right now", I explained.

"Look, let's just drop the subject since it's not going anywhere. I'll talk to you sometime, maybe. I have to go", she finished and hung up. I didn't have a fucking clue what had just happened, but it seemed as if nobody was really supporting me. All those years I had spent listening to their problems and giving advice and now that I needed them, they didn't care. It wasn't fair, but I knew there was nothing I could do, it's not like I could force them to help me out. Turns out the first phone call was the best one of the day. I wasn't angry, however, as I knew a new life was ahead of me. It did hurt that my best friend had just left me hanging for no good reason, but at the same time I wasn't about to beg her to be my friend. Not anymore. I was a new me, a me that refused to be anyone's servant or do as everyone else told. If this would be the way things would go down, then fine... At least that's what I thought.

* * *

I was sitting on my bed. I was suddenly very much in a state of uncertainty. Is this a good idea? Nobody was supporting me. My best friend and sister had turned their backs on me in an instant, so maybe their opinions didn't matter, like our relationships hadn't... It just sucked to know that I would've died for Laura, yet it had all been for nothing. Every time I helped her out, every time I listened to her, every time I got her out of trouble... And for what? Nothing. Pure nothing. How she could leave me like that? I didn't know. My sister on the other hand, well, she hadn't shocked me one bit. Selfish prick. But Laura? Was there something going on that she just didn't tell me about? I had to find out. Another phone call couldn't possibly make things worse, that was for sure. The phone rang... and rang... when finally

"Hello?" sounded the familiar voice of my best friend, my partner in crime, my oxygen.

"Hi...", I replied, sounding much weaker than I had expected.

"Yeah?" she said. Her voice was different compared to the previous phone call.

"I just... What is going on? I've known you since second grade. I know when you aren't being yourself. I love you, please tell me", I said, almost sobbing. I couldn't lose her, even if I was the "new me". I needed her to be there.

"Look, it's better we stop this here. I can't hurt you", she said... crying.

"You can tell me anything. Laura, please", I begged. Now it was obvious there was something more to her coldness than just not caring about me.

"I love you, alright?", she stated.

"I know, I love you too"

"Okay, I'll tell you. But I want you to know that I am sorry and didn't want this to happen".

"I believe you, please, just let me know", I convinced her. She paused to take in a deep breath.

"I came back to Cincinnati a few days ago. There's something you need to know... I've slept with Jon, alright? It happened a long time ago and it was a mistake but I developed feelings for him. And I came back in secret, and didn't tell you. I was going to tell you I was here after I had talked to him about us, but then out of the blue he drops the bomb that you two are sleeping together, and I just... I can't take it. I didn't want this to happen, but I can't look at you and know that you are the reason he is to me the one that got away. I love you, Sasha. But I can't do this shit any longer".

My heart was pumping ice. Jon knew Laura was my best friend, he had seen us together on several occasions. He hadn't told me. Laura hadn't told me. NOBODY HAD FUCKING TOLD ME.

"Why didn't you just tell me?"

"Because it was a mistake, a one night stand. I wanted it to be more, but it wasn't... And I didn't know about you two until a couple of days ago", she explained, her voice as broken as mine.

"You'll be alright without me, Sasha. You will, I promise. But this is not "I'll talk to you later". This is a farewell".

"It doesn't have to be".

"It does, because of me. I can't love the person who, unfortunately, is the person who took away someone I had feelings for. Goodbye, Sasha", she said and hung up.

* * *

Two hours had passed and I was still wondering how I could be so unlucky. Reflecting back on my life, I realized that through my life it had all been just bad. No breaks from the shit that had always been thrown at me, not once. I didn't want to think about it in detail, but the big picture was that I shouldn't by all intents and purposes be alive. I should have given up a long time ago. I should have ended my life the day I had learnt to tie a knot. I was a girl that never had a damn thing to hold onto, until Laura came along. She had kept me alive for years, and now, she was gone from my life. What did I have now? Jon? Would he really be enough for me to keep going? The man who hadn't even bothered to tell me about having sex with my best friend? I didn't know. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, the utter comedy in my tragedy of a life was a lot to think about, it was funny how life kept throwing everything it had at me and I still survived. I had... survived? It hit me at that moment, I realized I was actually... strong. I wasn't weak, not at all. I was a fighter, a survivor. I had managed to get through so much and this time wouldn't be any different. I couldn't let it be any different, and even if life would keep being shit I would take it all and laugh at life after getting through yet again. I stood up from my bed and noticed the one thing left; laying on the floor was a razorblade. My harmful help, my therapy. I picked it up and did what I had always thought I couldn't do. I was about to end it. I walked to the balcony and decided that it would be the best place to finally reach the end of the line. And so, I threw it. I threw the thing as far as I could. The razor hadn't been what had kept me going, what had kept me going was my own resilience. And that survival instinct in me didn't come from bleeding even though that's what I had associated it with. A new me would be one without self harming. I watched the razor as it flew, as did my past with all the things I had gone through. After not being able to see it anymore, I felt a tear run down my cheek, followed by another. And it was okay, and I didn't need to feel pain to make it stop. I didn't deserve pain for showing emotion. I was just fine without it. I wiped off my tears and went back inside, where I took a beer out of the fridge and sat down on the sofa. I opened it and took a drink, and I'll be damned if that wasn't the best thing I had ever tasted. It wasn't the beer I was tasting, it was freshness. And I knew I would have to deal with Jon and confront him about things, but for once I felt like it was okay. If he left, then so be it. I refused to be a victim anymore. Not too long after, there was knocking on the door. I placed my beer on the table and went to open the door.

"Hey", I said when I saw Jon. He was absolutely beautiful, inside and out. But that didn't mean what he had done was okay. He stepped inside and took off his shoes as I walked back to the couch. He soon sat next to me after getting a beer of his own. He was looking at me, smiling. I could tell he was even if I didn't look at him.

"Tomorrow's a big day", he said. I nodded and smiled.

"I hope so", I replied.

"What do you mean?" he asked and wrapped his arm around me. He placed a kiss on my neck.

"Well, today a lot of things have happened. You know, packing my stuff, hiring people to take all the furniture away tomorrow, finding out you slept with Laura... Been a really busy day", I stated. His arm tightened around me and he balled his fist. I just took a sip from my drink and placed it back down on the table. I turned to look at him and saw his confused expression.

"Uuhh..."

"Yeah, uuhh... I know right", I stated. "Is there anything at all you would like to tell me?" I continued as I moved his arm away from around me. He was searching for words.

"I don't really know what to say. I slept with Laura, once. One night stand, nothing more and she knows that full well", he said with confidence in his voice. I scoffed.

"She didn't seem to know that because she told me she wanted more than that"

"Well I didn't, she knew what she was getting herself into", he said.

"You know, that's not even the thing that pisses me off. It's the fact that you knew we were best friends yet you didn't bother telling me about you fucking my best friend, who, by the way, now doesn't want to be a part of my life because she feels I stole you from her!"

"Okay, darling, first of all don't raise your voice like that. Second, if I had told you, would we be where we are?"

"No we wouldn't. And now that you brought that up where is it that we are? WE ARE NOWHERE!" I yelled as I stood up from the sofa.

"Look, I'm sorry about your friendship ending, honestly I am. But if I could go back in time, would I have told you earlier? No", he said simply and shook his head.

"No? You wouldn't save me from losing the one good thing in my life, the one thing that never turned it's back on me? I love her, Jon, can't you fucking see that? Can't you see what you've done here!?"

"Like I said, it's the price I had to make you pay in order for us to be where we are", he stated.

"WE ARE NOWHERE!" I yelled again.

"Don't raise your voice at me", he repeated.

"I'LL RAISE MY VOICE JUST AS MUCH AS I WANT, BECAUSE THIS IS MY LIFE YOU ARE MESSING WITH AND YOU CAN'T SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE WRONG! YOU JUST DO NOT CARE! YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING!" I shouted as loudly as my body would let me. He stood up while I kept yelling.

"DO YOU HATE ME? IS THAT IT? HOW DO YOU NOT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING?", I screamed and punched him in his chest repeatedly. I pushed and shoved him and he wouldn't move. Finally he snapped and grabbed me by my shoulders.

"YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTH-"

"I CARE ABOUT YOU, YOU PIECE OF SHIT", he yelled, twice as loudly as I had. Suddenly the room was filled with silence. I looked at him and he looked at me for what felt like a century.

"I care about you, alright? That's what I care about. I don't know why and it doesn't matter why, I just do. And I can't let anything get in the way of that. You are what I want and I will scratch and claw and cheat my way to getting what I want. There is nothing that can stop me, not even if that means you get hurt. I told you, when you get broken I will fix you and I meant that. I'm sorry about you being hurt but I can't not sleep with Laura, it's already been done, whether I like it or not", he continued, still holding me firmly in place. His nails were digging into my skin and his face gave away all his emotions. Eyes never lie, and his had regret in them. I gathered my thoughts for a moment, he was waiting for me to say something. Anything.

"I- I care about you too, that's why this sucks", I answered quietly.

"It doesn't have to matter. It's in the past and if you keep living in the past, how can you focus on the future? And in my future I see you there, and like I said, I will get what I want at any cost", he said. "I know you want to forget this. The only thing stopping you is you're afraid to trust me. You can trust me, I'll prove it to you". I looked into his eyes, it was like the normal ocean like color now had a storm over it.

"Okay", I whispered. He exhaled like a ton of bricks had been removed off of his chest and then pulled me painfully close. He didn't touch me in a sexual way, instead he hugged me like he would drown if he let go. But I knew just as much as he did that I was what he was really drowning into. And the same was happening the other way around. We weren't each others life vests, we were the seas in which we were sinking into. And slowly but surely, we were drowning. And this had gone too far to take the anchor off. I hugged him back and could feel his heart beat. It was slowing down to normal. He pulled back to kiss me on my cheek. He rested his forehead on mine and let out a small laugh.

"I almost thought I was going to lose you there", he said.

"I thought I'd lose you too".

"Never", he promised me. And I believed him.


	9. Drowning

I was lying in bed, with him next to me. I don't know what there was about him that made me forgive him, it was like I felt responsible for him not having things rough. I knew about his troubled past and he knew about mine, which made it impossible for me to turn my back on him. I was just hoping he wouldn't take advantage of that, because I was sure he knew I was addicted to him.

"What are you thinking about?" I heard his voice rumble in my right ear.

"How do you know I'm thinking right now?" I countered as looked at the white ceiling above us.

"I've noticed you tend to bite your lip when you are in your thoughts". I turned to look at him.

"So you spend a lot of time studying me?"

"Darling, every second since the day I met you", he replied with a soft and calming voice. I was blushing, but it was dark so he wouldn't notice it.

"So what is it?" he asked as he poked my arm.

"I'd rather keep that to myself to be honest".

"You're not having second thoughts are you?" he asked me with some concern in his voice.

"No, it's not that. I'm just trying to be careful, you know? So far everyone I've met has hurt me one way or the other. I'm not naive, I can't be, and I feel like trusting you might be childish", I answered. Even in the darkness I could notice his expression. Now he was the one in his thoughts.

"Well", he said after a moment, "I'm not everyone and you know that. And you're not just everyone to me, otherwise I wouldn't even be here". He stated and ran his fingers along my bare thigh. I sighed.

"I'm just afraid, I can't help it", I told him.

"It's okay for you to be afraid. From the moment I met you, I've made it my goal to prove to you that I'm here. I'll always be here", he said. It was weird hearing this coming out of the mouth of the so called "bad boy", which he was right now far away from. It was nice to see different sides of him.

"I thought you were supposed to be heartless", I laughed.

"I am, darling. And so are you", he said, almost sounding surprised I had even talked about him having a heart.

"I'm not heartless, Jon", I replied. He chuckled.

"Yeah, you are. No matter what you say, I know for a fact that where you used to have a heart you now have stone. I know because we've walked pretty much the same path".

"Then how come I feel?" I protested.

"Emotions come from your brain. Now that's something we both have, that's what controls us. But hearts? Absolutely not. Heart is where all the shit comes from. It's like a chamber pumping bad decisions", he explained.

"You mean to tell me emotions come from your brain yet somehow bad decisions come from the heart?"

"That's what I've learnt in life", he said and shrugged. His finger traced along my collarbone and it sent shivers along my body.

"I've also noticed you are afraid of touch... It makes you uncomfortable", he whispered into my ear. "Unless it's me who is touching you".

"I guess I'm just a fucked up wreck of a human being, then", I stated.

"Mmmhm, remember lesson three?"

"... Yes"

"Good". He said and got on top of me. He was straddling me and stroked my hair.

"You are beautiful. You can't take a compliment, it makes you feel bad but you are beautiful". He leaned in and brushed his lips on mine. His eyes were piercing mine, the blueness in them was like seeing a clear summer sky for the first time. His lips were so close to mine, I could feel them right there, yet he wouldn't kiss me. I attempted to kiss him, but he pulled back. He stroked my hair again.

"So impatient", he murmured. I tried to answer but instead of words a moan came out of my mouth. He placed his finger on my lips this time, telling me to shush.

"And so keen", he continued. He proceeded to lick my neck all the way up to my jaw and over my lips. He kept staring at me after he returned to his previous position. His thighs felt amazing, as did the weight he was putting on me. He put more and more of his weight on me so that I wouldn't move, but not to the point where it hurt. It was like he just wanted to be sure I was fully aware of his presence and dominance, as if I wouldn't already be.

"You are mine. All of you, it all belongs to me", he stated with great confidence in his voice. I could hear his breathing, even that was making me melt.

"I am yours", I whispered. I didn't care if he wanted me to be silent, it just escaped. He nodded with a small smile. He then intertwined his fingers with mine before pushing my hands onto the bed. I wanted to touch him. I wanted to remind myself exactly how his hair and skin felt, but he wouldn't let me. He did, however, finally kiss me. Our lips melted together and time stopped. For a moment there was only him in the world and nobody else. I was hoping he was feeling the same way. He groaned into my mouth as his tongue was swirling around mine. He pulled back all too soon for me, and it wasn't until he wasn't in touch with my lips that I noticed the lack of air in my lungs. Just like that Jon had been able to make me forget something as simple as the need to breath. He repeated the kiss immediately after regaining some oxygen, this one feeling just as good as the one before. He refused to pull back and I could feel him sucking in air from my lungs, but there was none. Only then did he separate our lips. I was breathing heavily and so was Jon.

"You are mine too", I whispered.

"I'm not anyone's, darling. But make no mistake about it, you are mine", he stated. I didn't know how to feel about his words, so I ignored them. I was his and one day he would be mine, whether he would admit that or not. He laid down next to me, leaving what now felt like a cold spot on my abdomen. I turned to him, feeling like I absolutely needed to see him to know he was even real.

"We should probably get some sleep, that'll make tomorrow easier", he said. I looked up at him and nodded.

"Goodnight, darling", he said and placed a kiss on my forehead.

"Goodnight", I replied. He pulled me closer and his body felt warm against mine. I felt safe and secure in his arms and fell asleep.

* * *

"Hey... Sasha... Wake up... Sasha", my brain registered as I was waking up from my dreams. I could feel Jon poking my ribs. I slowly opened my eyes and let out a frustrated groan.

"What?" I asked as I turned to my side.

"I can't sleep", he said. I sat up and looked at him sitting right next to me. Something wasn't right.

"What's going on?" I asked. He looked really bad, like he had seen a ghost.

"I had this dream and I can't sleep anymore", he said, nearly panicking. I could tell he was scared, he couldn't hide it no matter how hard he tried.

"What dream?" I asked him as I stroked his arm to calm him down. I was now fully awake.

"I just... I sometimes have this nightmare and it's just really bad. I shouldn't have waken you up this is just stupid", he said as he buried his face into his hands.

"No it's not stupid at all, Jon", I told him as I pulled him closer to me. He was leaning on my body with his head on my shoulder. I was soothing his head with my hand. I could see him shaking.

"You don't need to tell me about the nightmare, but you are safe. Trust me. It was a nightmare, this is reality and you are safe with me in this room", I told him.

"I just fucking hate that dream", he said.

"I know, it's okay". I assured him. Suddenly he got up and pulled me by my legs to lay me down on my back.

"No, Jon. Don't". I knew exactly what he was doing. He needed to forget it, he needed to drown.

"Please, I have to. I need this, please", he begged as he placed quick kisses along my body before suddenly thrusting two fingers inside of me. I hadn't even noticed my panties being taken off. I took in a sharp breath of air as he pumped his fingers in and out.

"Jon, I'm telling you we should talk abou-"

"Please", he said sounding pathetic at this point. He had stopped all his movements and was now just looking directly into my eyes. All I could do was nod. He needed this, and I knew that when I would need it, he would be there for me. He let out a breath or relief and returned to his previous actions. And it was okay. He took off his underwear and made his way between my legs. I was definitely wet for him, I nearly always was. He rubbed circles over my clit but only for a moment. He couldn't wait, he needed a release. He needed to drown. Even though I knew these things very well, the sudden thrust into me was as painful as it was surprising. There was no foreplay, this wasn't about my pleasure. This was only about him, and I actually liked that. I wanted him to be happy and if this was the way to achieve that, then so be it. My pussy tightened around his dick instantly and he stayed inside me like that for a moment. He was cussing loudly and breathing roughly.

"It's always surprising just how tight you are", he said through gritted teeth. His nails were digging into my skin as he begun thrusting fast and deep, with all the strength he had in him. I felt like I was going to burst and tear apart but he didn't care and neither did I. We both had the same thing in mind; his pleasure. He kept the speed going on and I was starting to get some sort of enjoyment from his merciless pounding myself. I didn't even try to hold back noise, that would have been a losing battle. I just gripped the sheets and held on for dear life. He was nearly out of breath but was unable to stop, so to help him I wrapped my legs around him even though it doubled the pain. He was so deep and I was absolutely filled by him. He got better access now and his eyes slowly dropped down to look at me. He seemed to be in pain and I realized he wanted to cum, but wanted me to do so as well.

"It's okay, let it go", I moaned between broken breaths.

"Sure?" he managed to mutter out.

"Yes", I hissed as I held onto him as he let it all go. I watched him as he got his release, his eyes rolling to the back of his head and his limbs tightening. The grip he had around me to hold me in place hurt because of the amount of pressure he was putting on without realizing it. Everything about it was beautiful, as was the fact that even with such a need to get off himself he had still tried to make me cum even though I wasn't the one who needed it. He pulled out and rolled back into his place next to me. There was a smell in the air, a smell of sex and satisfaction. I turned to see his face and he was looking at the ceiling, eyes wide open. I flinched a little bit when he suddenly turned his eyes to my direction.

"Don't be scared", he told me, still catching his breath.

"Of course I'm not. Just a little jumpy" I assured him. He nodded.

"Are you okay?" he asked me.

"Yes, are you though?"

"Yeah. I'll make this up to you".

"There is nothing to make up for, Jon", I told him.

"I almost ripped you apart", he said. "And I just told you I'd never hurt you".

"Don't say that. You didn't hurt me, it's alright".

"Do you mean that?" he asked and raised his eyebrow at me.

"Yes", I replied. He then shut his eyes tightly and fell asleep almost immediately, leaving me wondering just how broken he actually was. But who was I to judge? Maybe he was right and we were both just heartless creatures that could only find satisfaction in each other. That's what it felt like at that moment at least. I put my arm on his chest and my breathing synced with his into a calming lullaby. Tomorrow would be a difference maker, the day that would change everything. I wasn't nervous about moving, because there was really only one thing I needed in life and that was Jon. What I felt for him wasn't love. It couldn't be love. It was impossible for me to feel such a thing. But... What if it wasn't impossible after all?


	10. Playing Games

We stood outside. Outside what was supposed to be our new apartment. Our. Apartment. It felt normal, it felt natural, it felt right. The autumn was taking a turn to darkness, I could feel the soon coming winter's chill on my skin. It gave me goosebumps that ran all the way up my arms. Neither of us had said a word or made a move to go inside for the past ten minutes, we just stood there. It was a big step clearly to both of us.

"Should we, uhh, go inside?" I whispered, getting colder by the minute. I should have worn a coat but I had thought a hoodie would do the trick. It didn't. Jon didn't answer me, instead he just slowly nodded. The apartment was already furnished so that was one less thing to worry about. The thing I had in my mind was the realization that I hadn't actually seen a single picture of the flat, I didn't have a clue what I would walk into. Jon wouldn't move, so I took the first step forward and to my satisfaction he started walking as well. The building looked nice from the inside, it was nothing special but then again, I didn't need it to be. Jon walked into the elevator in front of me and pressed the button to the fifth floor. Soon the doors opened and we stepped outside. He reached out his hand to me and I took it, after which he walked me down the hallway until he stopped abruptly.

"This is it", he stated and smirked. "Do you want to do the honors?" he continued as he held the key in the air. I snatched it from him and took a deep breath before placing the key into the lock and turning it. The door opened, but I closed my eyes before I could see anything. I walked inside, still keeping my eyes shut, and Jon closed the door behind us. He wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed my neck.

"What do you think?" he asked.

"I don't dare open my eyes", I whispered.

"Well, you should. Might be difficult to spend the rest of your life blind". I opened my eyes slowly and took in what was before me. It was actually a really nice place, the colors weren't too bright and it looked like a place I would like to spend time in, it was home.

"Oh wow, I was expecting something, well, shitty", I said as I spun around to face Jon. He raised his eyebrows.

"I get a job that pays well and you expect me to move to a dumpster?"

"That's not what I meant!" I exclaimed. He shrugged.

"I'm going to a bar tonight, talk with some of the guys from CZW", he said.

"CZW?"

"Yeah, the company I now work for dumbass".

"Ohh, right. Hey! I'm not a dumbass!" I said and jokingly punched him. He laughed.

"You wanna come too? Like you don't have to or anything, I was just wondering".

"Sure", I stated. He clapped his hands together.

"Perfect".

* * *

"Smoking fits you", Jon said as we stood outside of the bar.

"I don't know if that's a good thing", I replied before taking another drag.

"Probably not, but I'm pretty sure you don't care".

"True". I said and stubbed the cigarette. Jon lead me inside and we sat down in a booth after buying some beers.

"So, where are your friends?" I asked.

"Should be here in ten minutes".

After a minute or so, I could feel Jon kicking me under the table. I glared at him and could see the stupid smirk on his face.

"What?" I asked.

"I have an idea"

"Well?"

He placed a hand on my thigh and rubbed it back and forth.

"We are going to play a little game. The loser has to do anything the winner tells them to, alright? One favor", he continued.

"What kind of game are we talking about here?" I asked. He seemed... suspicious.

"The first person to moan during this meeting we are going to have loses", he smirked.

"Moan?"

"Yeah. That's the goal, you have to make the other person moan, alright? Like proper loud moan", he explained with that devious dimple showing smile on his face.

"Deal. But what if neither of us does?"

"Both get a favor", he shrugged. I nodded and shook his hand to make the game official. Thankfully the booth was well covered and the table was perfect, you couldn't see what was going on from the other side. Soon two men walked in and made eye contact with us. They soon sat down on the other side of the booth.

"And so the game begins", Jon whispered.

"Hello", said the other man as he shook Jon's hand. He then looked at me and offered his hand. I shook it.

"DJ Hyde, owner of CZW", he stated before releasing my hand.

"Sasha", I replied. The other man didn't shake anyone's hand, I figured he knew Jon personally.

"This is Sami", Jon said pointing at him.

"Hey", I said. He nodded.

"So, let's get down to business so we can get that corporate bullshit out of the way, alright?" DJ stated. Jon nodded and squeezed my inner thigh. I placed my hand on his and traced it softly.

"Sure. What do you want to talk about?" Jon asked.

"Well, you are debuting in a week and I've been thinking about putting you in a tag team with Sami since you two know each other so well already", he said. Jon nodded and took a sip of his beer.

"Yeah, alright", he said.

"So you'd be cool with that?" Sami asked.

"Yeah, well if you are".

"Totally. I just think we should come up with a name", he thought out loud.

"Well, I'm glad you two are okay with this. Your in ring styles fit together and you have chemistry too", DJ said with a smile on his face. Jon and Sami seemed to both be in their thoughts wondering what their tag team would be called.

"The name should be something dark since our in ring characters are kinda psychotic..." Jon said. Sami let out a laugh.

"Not just in the ring", he muttered to receive a smirk from Jon. I had a feeling these two had some history. I surprised Jon by placing my hand underneath his shirt, tickling his side and softly rubbing his lower back. He didn't give me a reaction. This would be a hard game to win. But, I was never one to give up without a fight.

"So, do you two have something to do today or would you like to stay with us?" DJ asked and looked at both of us.

"I'm down", Jon said and looked at me for my agreement.

"Sure", I said with a smile. After a while DJ went to get more beer and Sami left to use the bathroom. Jon instantly leaned towards me.

"You made one really bad decision today".

"And what might that be?" I asked biting my lip. He pointed down to the skirt I was wearing.

"You changed your clothes before we came here. And out of all the things you could have worn, you put on a skirt. You're making this so easy, darling", he said a little bit too loud.

"Shh", I whispered and he chuckled.

"You just wait", he said and winked at me. He returned to his full height just as DJ and Sami sat back down. DJ pushed a beer towards me. I thanked him and took a big sip.

"So Sasha, you Jon's girlfriend?" Sami asked. I nearly choked on the beer.

"I uh, no, like, I mean, uhh..."

"She's my friend", Jon said calmly.

"Yeah!", I exclaimed. "Not a relationship, like, nope", I stuttered nervously. I decided it would be best if I just shut up.

"Oh, so is Jon staying at your place here?" he asked. _Oh my fucking lord._

"Well, actually I'm from Cincinnati too", I said.

"She moved here with me, to the same apartment", Jon told with a stupid grin on his face.

"So where do you work?"

"Unemployed", I muttered and took another huge sip from my drink. I really hated talking about myself.

"How do you pay your half of the rent, then?" Sami asked. I looked at Jon for help but that help never came, instead I felt another hard squeeze on my thigh.

"I don't", I stated. "Now can we please talk about something else?"

"Sure. I didn't mean to be intrusive", Sami stated. DJ rolled his eyes and let out a laugh.

"Sorry about Sami", he said. I nodded. The guys talked to each other, occasionally asking me a question or opinion, but my main focus was on winning the game me and Jon were playing. He barely responded to anything I did, so it was time to amp up my game. My hand slowly made it's way higher up his thigh to his crotch. I opened his zipper and reached a finger inside to find out he wasn't wearing boxers. My face pulled into a smile which must have looked ridiculous to anyone who didn't know what was going on. I opened the button of his jeans with one hand like a professional. It wasn't as hard as I had expected. I could feel his muscles tighten when he realized what I was doing. He placed his hand on mine and intertwined our fingers before taking my hand off of him. He turned to looked at me and smiled. He was trying to say something and I could read lips enough to know what he was saying.

_"I want you"_

I didn't react, I turned to look away from him and so did he.

"You got any ideas for the name?" DJ asked Sami and Jon.

"I don't know... Rabid rabbits", Sami said chuckling.

"What the fuck? Rabid rabbits?" Jon asked him, unable to keep a straight face.

"It was a joke, I'm kidding man", he countered.

"Well I sure fucking hope so", Jon replied. Now he was distracted and I could do what I meant to do earlier. His zipper was still down and his button was open, so I quickly reached my hand to the opening. I slid my hand in grabbed his shaft. He tensed up and took in a sharp breath of air, knowing it was too late to stop me without it blowing his cover. He coughed loudly and I stroked him softly, slowly making my way to the tip of his cock, rubbing the tip softly before returning to the slow strokes. He had a hard time trying to converse with the men in front of us, he could have just moaned a little bit and it would've been over, but he refused. He put a hand of his own between my legs, the thin fabric of my pantyhose and panties felt like air, like they weren't even there. He slid his finger between my folds, stretching the fabric between him and me. I got shivers as he placed a finger on my clit and started rubbing slow circles on it. I had completely stopped teasing him, the feeling he was giving had made me freeze.

"Razor blades?" Sami asked.

"That sounds cool, but it's just not _it_, ya know?" Jon said like nothing was going on. I didn't know how he did it, he had a boner yet he could go on like someone wasn't grabbing his dick.

"You got any ideas, Sasha?" I heard Sami ask. It took me away from the feeling between my legs, even though it was very hard to escape.

"Well I do have this one name in my mind, but I'm not sure if you'll like it or not", I said, my voice kind of weak but not enough for DJ or Sami to notice.

"Go on", DJ said.

"The Switchblade Conspiracy", I said and bit my lip. I could see DJ nodding approvingly and looking at Sami and Jon.

"That sounds... That sounds really damn good", Jon said. The other men agreed with him and it felt nice that they liked it. I was overtaken by a strong wave of feeling, a feeling that was between my legs. Jon's movements had become faster and had more impact, each circle making me tense up. I bit down on my lip to prevent myself from moaning. I pulled my hand away from his member in hopes that he would let go of me too. He didn't.

"So, Sasha, you're looking for a job?" DJ asked.

"Y-yes", I managed to say, trying my hardest not to get caught. Jon pushed his other finger against my entrance just to give it that pressure, that movement was almost the end of the game. I gripped the leather seat I was sitting on, digging my nails into it. The feeling was becoming too much to handle, I didn't want to lose but soon I would have to. My body was pulsing with an euphoric feeling that I recognized as the one I had previously gotten before an orgasm. I would have to do something big to stop him, so I grabbed his hand to push it away. He countered, grabbing _my_ hand roughly and placed my own finger on my clit, forcing me to rub myself. He moved my finger with ease, his power was too much for me to resist in the vulnerable position I was in. It was just too much, I was so close and it became too hard to keep it in. Next thing I knew, I lost. The timing, however, couldn't have been worse, because what happened next changed my life.

"You could be an escort for our Switchblades here, work for CZW. What do you say?"

"YES!" I moaned at the orgasm that Jon forced out of me, not realizing I had been asked a question.

"Great", I heard DJ say.

"Huh?" I asked, still riding a wave of euphoria. DJ laughed.

"You're funny too. I like that", he said and took a sip of his beer. I let out a fake laugh and glanced up at Jon who looked as stunned as I did. I needed to get out of the bar, I felt like the room was suddenly a thousand degrees hot and there was no oxygen left.

"Smoke?" I asked Jon. He nodded and walked me out of the bar faster than the speed of light.

I lit a cigarette as did he.

"What was he talking about?" I asked nervously. "What did he ask me?"

"Darling, you just made a deal with CZW", he said, looking shocked.

"WHAT?" I shouted and took a long drag from my cigarette, begging the nicotine to calm me down.

"Yeah... DJ asked if you wanted to be an escort for me and Sami and before I could stop what I was doing to you it was too late, you just came and... well, fuck you know the rest", he stated pacing back and forth.

"We need to go in there and explain what happened", he said after he stopped walking.

"No fucking way! I'm not going to tell them exactly why I was nearly shouting yes!" I protested.

"Well what the fuck do we do then?" Jon asked, looking me in the eye.

"I... I don't know... I guess I work for CZW now?" I muttered. Jon kicked a trash can, seemingly pissed off.

"We'll figure this out when we get home alright?" I said.

"Fucking right we'll do some figuring out", he hissed before grabbing my wrist and leading me back inside. I had accidentally jumped to the deep end and now I had to figure a way out of it. And that wouldn't be easy.


	11. Boundaries

"You are _not_ taking the job!"

"I need a job, you know I do!"

"You can get a job somewhere else!"

"Oh really? A woman without education?"

"Well maybe you should have gone to school!"

"Oh, yeah, like you're one to say that", I huffed. We had been on a warpath ever since we had woken up that day. I turned on my heels and stormed off to the balcony to get my nicotine fix. We had been arguing for almost an hour now and I just needed a break from him, which was hard considering we lived together now. How fucking stupid was I to actually put myself in this situation? Into a situation where my choices were to end up homeless or move in with Jon? It was so frustrating to try find the best solution when there wasn't a single one that made us both happy. I took a long drag out of my cigarette and exhaled the smoke loudly. I was absolutely furious not just at Jon, but at the whole situation. It wasn't all my fault, it was his too, and because of the circumstances in which I accepted the job everything was ten times worse. I paced back and forth in the balcony, looking at the sky and feeling the need to punch something. Ugh, everything was going wrong and I was the main person to blame. The door opened and Jon stepped inside. It was the last thing I needed at the time.

"Will you just give me a fucking moment?" I hissed at him. He raised his hands like he was surrendering and made a fake shocked expression.

"That sounds very ugly coming from your mouth", he stated. I threw my cigarette outside and left again, slamming the door behind me. I could hear it open and I heard the footsteps behind me. I went to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. Maybe I'd now get some fucking peace. I sunk down on the floor and tried to collect my thoughts. Just as I thought Jon had got the not so subtle hint that I needed to be alone for a while, there was loud knocking on the door.

"Sasha, come on, let's talk", he groaned. Clearly I wasn't the only one that was pissed off, but then again he had refused to listen to my opinion which had made me angry in the first place.

"Fuck off", I whispered to myself.

"Open the door!", he yelled. I didn't reply.

"Open. The. Fucking. Door", he said, his voice dangerously calm. I shook my head, not that he could see it. I didn't want him to see it, I didn't want him to be there, I wanted only one thing, and that was to be left alone.

"I'm making a promise to you right now. Listen up, listen real good. I'm going to count to five and if you haven't opened the door by then I'll have to teach you a lesson again. I will smash the fucking door in and make sure this time you'll learn", he said, still calmness in his voice. I turned my head to look at the door, his warnings weren't just words, they were facts. Would I give in?

"One... Two...", he counted slowly, dragging the numbers for painfully long. I could hear him dragging his nails along the door. I jumped up and grabbed the nearest thing next to me. It was a fucking toothbrush.

"Three... four...", he said, chuckling to himself. I made my decision.

"And... five". That was it, too late to open the door now. He was silent for a moment and I could hear my heartbeat getting faster by the second.

"Suit yourself", Jon said. I heard him leave the door and was relieved for a moment, before I realized he was picking the lock. Wait... he knew how to pick a lock? Oh shit.

Just like that the lock turned. I hid behind the shower curtain. The door opened. I raised my ultimate weapon of choice, the fatal toothbrush. There were footsteps and soon Jon pulled the shower curtain. He looked as dangerous as ever, standing close to me and he had never looked so tall. I dropped the toothbrush and decided to try and make a run for it. I ducked his arm but he instantly got a hold of my hair. He twisted my head back and pulled me close to his chest. He licked my cheek, leaving a trace of saliva on my skin.

"That's not good behavior now is it?" he whispered. He then dragged me out by my hair and lead me to the living room, where he pushed me to the sofa. He pinned me down and hovered above me.

"Do I need to punish you?" he asked me through gritted teeth. I shook my head.

"Are you absolutely sure you are able to discuss like an adult and won't run away?" he asked. I nodded.

"Good", he said before he got off of me. I sat up only to be pulled onto his lap. We were facing each other and couldn't help but admire his eyes. I rubbed the back of my head, he hadn't hurt me but pulling my hair didn't exactly feel comfortable either.

"You can't take the job", he said.

"You keep saying that, but you still haven't told me why", I countered.

"Because I don't mix business with my personal life".

"I already said yes".

"You can tell DJ you changed your mind. Hell, I can do it for you", he said.

"And when he asks why I changed my mind so quickly, what exactly will you tell him?"

"That I fingered you into oblivion and you had no idea what was going on", he laughed. I didn't find it funny.

"You know, it was your fault when you really think about it", I replied. He pouted and intertwined our fingers, kissing my hand in the process.

"Come on, babe, don't point your finger at me. Point it at yourself like you did last night", he winked. I still didn't find it funny.

"Not to mention, you agreed to play the game", he continued.

"Yeah, but you should have stopped when you heard what he said!"

"You were already so close it wouldn't have mattered at that point". Okay, yeah, maybe he was right. I looked at him and sighed.

"I should at least try one show, then I can tell DJ I don't like it. It would be believable if I told him it wasn't my thing after trying it out", I proposed. He groaned at me and I pulled my best puppy face to make him agree. "Please?"

"Alright, one fucking show, but then that's it. And you are going to stay with me the entire time".

"Okay", I said with a smile. I kissed him before I got off of his lap and stood up. I thought things were alright now, but I found out I was wrong when he roughly grabbed my arm.

"You're still getting punished", he said with a smirk.

"Huh?"

He didn't reply, instead he quickly got up, put me over his shoulder and carried me to the bedroom. He slammed me onto the bed and as soon as I tried to sit up, he pushed me back down using his hand.

"Don't act like you don't love this", he said as he stood on the floor, watching me laying down.

"Take off your clothes", he said and I obliged, not sure if I liked it or not. He was so unpredictable, you never knew what his next move was. I took off everything and laid back down on the bed.

"Nice", he commented as he squeezed my breasts, pinching my right nipple too. Jon then went to the infamous backpack he had already placed in the closet, the one filled with all kinds of toys only a sick mind would enjoy using. He held a pair of handcuffs in the air and watched my expression as it changed from confused to turned on. He walked over to the bed and softly stroked my wrist, cuffed to the bed and kissed me deeply before getting back up. He cleared his throat and a shit eating grin formed on his face.

"Alright, here's the deal. Sami is coming over with some other guys, just to hang out. And you're going to be here, cuffed to the bed naked while we're right in the next room. They won't have a clue, well, maybe. Depends on what mood I'm in. But I'll now exactly what a slut you are being over here", he said with a wink.

"What?" When!?" I asked him, rattling the cuffs trying to wriggle out of them. And right then the doorbell rang, the timing once again just perfect. Jon wiggled his eyebrows before kissing me again.

"You'll be alright", he stated. He then left the room and I was left there embarrassed and shocked. He closed the door and soon I could hear people coming in, several voices I had never heard before filled the apartment.

_"This can't actually be happening"_ I thought to myself. But oh yes, it was indeed happening and it wasn't anything short of terrifying. What if someone walked in? What was I supposed to do? I tried to get the cuffs off by twisting my hands in awkward positions. It hurt too much and it became clear that the only way to get out of them was getting a dislocation, which wasn't something I was willing to have. I huffed out a breath of air, absolutely frustrated and angry. The next plan that came to my mind was covering my naked form, so I tried to get the covers on top of my body using my legs. After great difficulty I was able to get the fabric to cover my lower half, but I was completely bare from the waist up. I was trashing around and rattled the cuffs once more to no avail.

"What's that sound coming from there?" I heard someone ask. My eyes shot wide open and I felt myself blush.

"It's nothing", I heard Jon answer.

"Where's Sasha?" Sounded a voice I had definitely heard before. I soon realized it was Sami. Fucking fuck.

"She's not here, alright?", Jon groaned. I couldn't hear them talking anymore, so I thought the danger had been avoided. I laid there, absolutely clueless of what I should do and how long I would have to wait. I didn't mind Jon punishing me with his dick, pain and pleasure went hand in hand to me. But this kind of humiliation was not okay. This was bad.

I heard the sound of the TV and bottles being opened, most likely beer bottles. I could hear at least five different voices coming from the room, and if they were drinking there was no telling if they would at some point make their way to the room, especially if Jon went to the bathroom at some point. I just knew someone would be curious and start sniffing around. I did not want that to happen.

_"Come on, think Sasha. What now?"_ I thought to myself, trying to come up with a solution. Unfortunately, there was none.

* * *

I had laid in the bed for over an hour, my wrists hurt from the restraining and I was just exhausted. My attempts at getting out had failed miserably. So far nobody had tried to get into the room, the only progress they had made was get drunk. I could hear someone slurring about the many issues of ice hockey in the living room and couldn't help but roll my eyes. Idiots. I looked out of the window, the darkness made me even more tired. I really wanted to fall asleep, but refused to do so for as long as there were people in the apartment and I was restrained.

I heard the balcony door open and I just knew Jon would be going for a smoke. You know that moment when you just know something bad is going to happen? That's what I felt. Time slowed down for a moment, and then I heard someone walking towards the door. I could see someone was standing behind it, there was a shadow there. Someone grabbed the doorknob and turned it, opened the door and was about to walk in. I closed my eyes and heard someone step inside, not long that after I felt the bed move, meaning someone was sitting on it.

"Don't be scared, darling, it's just me", I heard a familiar voice. It was Jon and he seemed to be pretty drunk. He crawled up on me and sat on my stomach, drawing circles on my naked skin.

"So pretty", he slurred.

"Jon you're drunk and you have to let me go alright?" I explained. His eyes shot up to mine.

"No, trust me".

"I trust you, but I'm serious. Take off the handcuffs, they are hurting me". There was silence for a moment as he tried to process what I had said to him. Then he just shrugged and moved his hand to my cheek, stroking it softly.

"I don't think so", he stated and smirked. He kissed my forehead and I must say, feeling him so close to me felt incredible. He made me feel safe and I didn't want him to leave, all I needed was him to be there and protect me. I felt myself getting wet, heat building between my legs.

"I should get back before the guys come here to check if I passed out", he whispered.

"Don't go", I whined.

"I'll be back sooner than you think", he promised me. He then got up and left, leaving a cold feeling on my skin. He was supposed to be there, my body needed him to be there, but he wasn't. I pouted as I watched him leave again. An involuntary sigh left my body as the door closed, but my sorrow soon turned to happiness when I heard Jon telling the guys he needed to get some sleep. It made me feel like my feelings did come first to him, like I was important to him. Soon I heard people leaving and instantly got my hopes up, I just wanted him to be close to me, cocoon me and wrap his limbs around me. I was happy to see him enter the room again and slump down on the bed next to me.

"I told you I'd be back sooner than you think", he said as he turned on his side to face me.

"Could you take the cuffs off of me?" I asked. He chuckled and reached to get the key from his pocket. He took off the handcuffs and it felt great to be able to move my arms freely.

"Thank you", I whispered. He nodded before wriggling out of his jeans and shirt, never getting up from the bed. He was too drunk to do so. I took the shirt from his hand and put it on, the smell of him was almost intoxicating. He pulled the covers over us and pulled me close to him, kissing me hard with his tongue entering my mouth. I could taste the alcohol and cigarettes on him. I had to pull back when I ran out of air all too soon.

"I'm too tired to fuck you", he muttered with his eyes half closed. "But I really, really want to".

"We can do that later", I assured him. He smirked at me and wrapped an arm around me, holding me tightly against him.

"I'll make it worth the wait", he whispered into my ear. I closed my eyes as I nuzzled against his chest and was ready to fall asleep.

"Oh and Jon", I started.

"Yes?"

"Don't you dare ever do that again. It could have gone really bad really fast", I whispered.

"I can't promise anything, darling", he said and kissed my forehead. I was going to protest but right after he finished his sentence, he fell asleep. Soon I did too.


	12. Temptation

All too soon the day of Jonathan's debut had arrived. Was I prepared? Absolutely not. Did this stuff even need to be prepared for? I mean sure, if you were a wrestler you had to know what's up but I was in a position of being an "escort". Hah, escort. That was my life. It would pay though, not much, but it still would. But the main reason as to why I wanted to do what I was about to do was the fact that I needed there to be more in my life than just Jon, and even though this too was related to him, it wasn't all about him. I always was the type to get bored if nothing happened, and well, I didn't want to get stuck. And if that meant shuffling through sweaty men I didn't know and walking to the ring dressed up in an outfit two sizes too small, then so be it. I was standing outside, smoking alone. Jon had told me he would go get Sami and that they'd meet me here. I wasn't yet dressed, I didn't even dare to look at what Jon had bought for me to wear. Oh, yes, Jon had specifically told me that he wanted to choose my outfit for me. Jesus Christ, why had I agreed to that? Well, it didn't matter anymore, I thought, as I shrugged and spun around when I heard footsteps. Sure enough it was Jon and Sami coming my way, both with their wrestling gear on.

"I'm back", Jon said and placed a kiss on my lips.

"I see that, yes", I replied. He was very good at stating the obvious.

"Why aren't you dressed yet? We got like twenty minutes", he asked.

"What's wrong with what I'm wearing right now?" I asked and saw Jon look up and down at me.

"Sorry babe, but I don't think jeans and a sweater are what DJ is looking for", he said with a laugh. I pouted at him.

"I guess I'm just not good enough, then". I playfully turned my back on him and crossed my arms. Soon I could feel his hands on my shoulders and his breath on my neck.

"You're more than good enough", he said and kissed my skin.

"Uhh, guys?" I heard Sami's voice. "Not to interrupt this fucking love session you got going on but we really should get ready", he stated.

"Sorry", I replied. Jon and Sami lead the way to the area where I was supposed to get dressed. It was a closet, but I didn't complain. All I needed was privacy and that's what I was getting. Until Jon decided that he absolutely needed to help me get dressed. He turned on the light, closed the door and held out the plastic bag he was holding.

"I think you'll like it", he said with confidence. I slowly took the bag from him and took a sneak peek. I couldn't tell much, all I saw was black fabric. I took the cloth from the bag and held it up. I couldn't stop the laugh that slipped out of my mouth the moment I saw the thing in full color. It was a dress, well, more like a shirt since it wouldn't even cover all of my ass. Strapless and thin fabric, which was a little see-through in itself. I looked inside the bad again to see the horrendous fishnet stockings that there were also. I was about to burst into laughter again, but when I noticed the look on Jon's face, I didn't feel like smiling anymore.

"You don't really expect me to wear this?" I asked him.

"What's wrong with it, hmm? Not good enough for you?" he said and stepped closer, backing me up to the wall. He slammed his left hand onto the wall next to my head.

"No, it's not that, it's just-"

"No? I buy you something and you laugh at me? Am I funny now?" he asked as he placed his right hand on my throat, not putting any pressure there though.

"Jon, relax alright?" I whimpered.

"You don't tell me what the fuck I do. Now you are going to dress into that fucking thing and thank me for buying it for you in the first place! Ungrateful bitch", he hissed. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. I was torn between being afraid and being aroused, but like I had noticed before, Jonathan was different when he was about to wrestle. More aggressive and less patient.

"A-alright", I stuttered. He stepped back with the dress in hand. I started to take off my sweater and he watched with interest, the look in his eyes returning to normal. I threw the shirt in the plastic bag, followed by my skinny jeans. I muttered the whole time to myself, Jon didn't seem to care which was probably for the better anyway. I looked at him and he handed me the "dress". I put it on with the stupid stockings and the stupid high heels I had with me and looked at him angrily.

"Are you happy now?" I asked him. He smirked.

"You're really pretty", he said before roughly pulling me close to him and smiling at me. He held me really close, like he had a habit of doing. I was used to his possessive touch.

"I look like a slut".

"You're my slut", he answered. He rubbed his thumb on my lips.

"I really don't understand why you want me to dress up like this", I said, ignoring his comment. I was also getting used to him talking without thinking.

"To make other people jealous of what I got. They want you, they feel like they need you, but they know they just can't have you", he whispered into my ear.

"Is that really necessary?" I asked, looking up at his wolfish grin.

"Yeah", he stated and slapped me on my ass.

"Oh and I got one more thing for you to wear!" he said, clapping his hands before he took something out of the bag.

"What? Crotchless panties?" I asked him and he slowly turned to me and smirked.

"Dammit, now I wish I would've bought those... well, maybe later. But for now, I got you this", he said and held up a black collar with metallic spikes on it.

"Oh god that is so tacky", I whined. He put it around my neck and took a final look.

"Perfect", he stated and opened the closet door.

"Fucking finally, we gotta go", Sami said.

"Are you always such a whiny fuck?" I hissed at him, the heels killing me already. I realized what had escaped my mouth and looked at him, thinking he would be offended. Instead he was laughing.

"You have bigger balls than Jon does", he laughed.

"Hahaha, funny. Alright, let's go", Jon replied. I tried to hide the smile on my face. Jon grabbed my hand in his and squeezed it painfully tight. I could barely stand up in the stupid heels so I was left trailing behind them, only keeping up because of Jon's hold on me. We made our way to the curtain quickly, and almost instantly our music started playing. I took a deep breath as I stepped through the black fabric in the middle of Sami and Jon. Even though we were inside I was still freezing. It was like the building didn't have any type of heating. My insecurities and anxiety were kicking in hard as I walked slowly towards the ring. I was on auto-mode, just trying to get everything over with. Once we made it to the ring I realized I would have to step onto the apron. I was a very short person, how the hell was I supposed to get there in such a small slutty outfit without revealing everything I had? I looked at Jon with panic in my eyes and he looked back at me, grabbing me by my hips and lifting me up to the apron. Thank fuck that part was over. I tried balancing myself which was a struggle in itself with the heels and all, but made it inside of the ring. I stood slightly behind Sami and Jon, as they both proceeded to take microphones and talk about who they were and such. There were goosebumps all over my body, I was that nervous. I didn't register anything the guys were saying, all my focus was on my instinct to start running and get out. The crowd wasn't exactly huge, but it was still big in my view. Then I heard something. Someone from the crowd shouted at us.

"How much for the brunette?!" he yelled. I looked down at the mat shyly, I didn't feel good being stared at by random people.

"Don't be scared!" I heard the same guy shout. I was getting over my fear and started growing more angry, it wasn't okay saying that I was scared.

"Aww, she's scared!" he continued. I noticed neither Jon or Sami were talking at this point so I grabbed the mic from Jon's hand.

"How about you get your ass in this ring and get it beaten up courtesy of me?" I asked calmly but loud. Jon raised his eyebrows and took the mic back.

"Woooah, let's calm down here", he said and pat my shoulder.

"Yeah, she's a wild one", he said with a wide smile on his face. I was still pretty furious, but realized what I had done wasn't okay. I decided to let it go for now. The guys finished up their promo and two guys came from the locker room to challenge them, as was the plan. I slowly got out of the ring and carefully stepped down onto the floor, trying not to fall down. They had their match, it lasted for a good fifteen minutes until the bell rang and the Switchblade Conspiracy were declared the winner. I got back into the ring, now not caring about the heels, I was too excited for Jon, and raised the guys hands in the air. Not that I actually reached either of their hands, I just reached as high as I could and stood there looking proud. We made our way backstage and I could tell both of them were still pumped with adrenaline. We all got changed and started walking towards Jon's car. I felt someone pull my shirt and turned around to see DJ.

"Hey, can I borrow you for a moment?" he asked. I glanced at Jon and Sami and shrugged.

"Sure", I replied. I turned to look at the guys again. "See you at the car?" I asked them. They nodded and walked off, leaving me alone with DJ.

"Is this about the comment I made in the ring?" I asked nervously.

"Well, yeah, that too. But what I really wanted to ask you was how you'd feel about signing a contract?" he asked. I was stunned.

"I failed at looking good, almost slipped like ten times, made fun of a fan and you want me to sign a contract?" I asked him.

"Trust me, you were great. And you looked great too", he said.

"Uhh, I don't know, I would have to talk to Jon about this first".

"Listen, I get the fact that you're together with him, but I'm telling you, he doesn't want you working here", he said.

"That's not true. And I don't appreciate you talking about him behind his back", I stated.

"No, I don't mean to talk shit about him, but I know him, alright? He's going to say no, so I think if you want to work here, you need to make a decision now", he said with a serious look on his face.

"If he doesn't want me working here, what makes you think it would be any better if I went and signed a contract behind his back?" I asked and crossed my arms in front of my chest.

"Because then he'll know there's nothing that he can do. He's a big boy, he can deal with it", DJ said.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?", I asked biting my lip.

"Yes! You need a job, right? I have the paperwork with me", he said and handed me the paper and a pen. "All you gotta do is sign".

* * *

"Hey", I said as I reached the car. Sami had already left and I sat down on the passengers seat as Jon started driving.

"So?" he asked.

"Hmm?"

"What did he want?"

"Ohh, nothing much. Just talked about what happened in the ring", I lied. That's not what had transpired.

"Alright", Jon replied.

"You're a great wrestler", I stated. He laughed.

"I try my best".

We got back to the apartment and Jon was in a weird mood. I didn't know what was going through his mind, I tried asking him but he wouldn't say. He was smiling a lot, almost laughing every time he looked at me. I went to the bathroom and started the shower. I washed myself quickly and wrapped my towel around me after using it to dry my hair. I stepped out and couldn't see Jon anywhere. I walked to the bedroom closet and wondered where he was, I hadn't seen him on the way there. I dried my hair better in front of a mirror and put it into a ponytail. I got up from the chair I was sitting on, turned around and went to walk back to the living room when I saw Jon inches away from me. I flinched and a pathetic muffled scream got out of my system as my hands let go of the towel around me, the fabric dropping to the floor.

"Jesus Christ, why did you do that?!"

He didn't answer but what he did do was lift me up and throw me down onto the bed, he followed instantly and within seconds he had already pinned me down hard. He held my hands with one of his and had another hand covering my mouth.

"Are you stupid?" he asked. I tried to shake my head but he made it very hard with the way he was controlling my jaw.

"You're not? Then you must think I'm stupid!?" he continued. I shook my head wildly.

"Well then explain why you think I don't know when you're talking shit to my face!" he shouted. His fingers were digging into my skin and it hurt. I couldn't speak and he knew it, he wouldn't let me.

"Here's how this is going to go. I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want to you until I'm sick of the noises you make, the way you feel and look, everything about you. Then, you tell me the truth. Everything that you talked about. I know you lied to me, lie again and I will break you in half", he hissed. "Now, did you lie to me earlier?"

I thought about it for a moment, not for too long though, as he would've gotten angrier. I nodded.

"That's a good start", he said as he disappeared for a moment before returning with rope and a ball gag. He tied me to the bed and forced the gag into my mouth.

"Getting sick of the handcuffs. The rope burns are gonna look really hot tomorrow", he said before stripping out of his clothes, his already hard cock springing out of his boxers. He made his way to the bed and positioned himself between my legs. I looked at him as he pressed against my entrance, I wasn't nearly wet enough for him, yet he thrust his entire cock inside of me almost instantly. My back arched wildly and he had to push me down using both of his arms. A scream choked in my throat as I felt tears stinging in my eyes. I blinked them away as I slowly calmed down by taking deep breaths. I was beginning to adjust to him when he started thrusting in sharp and fast, each time less painful and more satisfying, yet still very, very painful. He held onto my ribs as he kept pushing in, my wetness finally making his movements enjoyable. I was getting into the rhythm, which he noticed.

"Oh you like this you fucking slut? Hmm?" he laughed and slapped my cheek, not too hard but enough for it to sting. He kept going and slapped me the same way every once in a while, before noticing I was getting close to an orgasm. That's when he stopped pushing in and begun to rub my clit.

"Don't cum", he ordered. I was shuddering under his touch and was just about to release the electricity that had been building inside of me when he once again stopped.

"No", he said coldly. He got up from the bed and took the ball gag away from my mouth, it felt like the biggest relief of my life. He untied me as well and sure enough there were red marks on my wrists. He wouldn't let me look at them for long, though, as soon he gave me my next order.

"On your knees", he said. I got up to my knees and he sat down in front of me and pulled me across his lap. I noticed he had put his boxers back on at some point.

"How many do you think you deserve?" he asked calmly as his hand traced my thighs and ass. It felt soothing, but I knew it couldn't last for long.

"Ten", I said, it was the first number to pop into my head and I figured I could take that many without breaking down on his lap.

"I think ten's good. But if you don't behave, then I'll have to give you more", he said, his voice raspy and low. I nodded and he raised his hand high into the air and I almost instantly felt the impact of his hand connecting with my flesh, it felt like someone had thrown a brick that was on fire at me. The first impact wasn't even the worst, it was the stinging that followed, it spread across my skin and felt like it was digging inside of me. I whimpered, but he didn't think too much of it, as he spanked me twice more with the same amount of power. I clawed at the sheets through the fourth and fifth hits and was pretty broken even though we were only halfway through. He wasn't playing around, he was putting effort into actually hurting me. I did everything I could not to cry, I just wanted the spanking to be over.

"Five more to go", he reminded me. I nodded.

"You're doing great", he whispered. It was definitely a needed word of encouragement, a sign that he did care if I was alright. It was all I needed to get through it.

He landed five more smacks on my bottom and told me to get up, my legs almost gave in underneath me but it was alright, at least now it was over.

"On your hands and knees", his voice sounded behind me. I got down on the floor, I expected that was what he wanted. He got behind me and grabbed my hips, pulling me to his skin, burying himself deep inside of me. I didn't even try to stop my moaning, I was out of energy to do so. His thrusts went from slow and deep to frantic in a short time, and I was getting close myself. He slapped my on my raw ass, which made me scream, but I was so close to an orgasm the pain didn't feel too bad to handle. He pulled on my hips again and again, pushing himself in too. He was in control of all the movement, I could barely hold myself up in the position he wanted me to be in. Finally I heard him moan, which assured me this time he was too close to stop. I finished before him, jolts of electricity pushing through my veins. He came inside of me soon, and I felt his cum running down my thigh. I got down from the high and he tried to catch his breath and held onto my body for support, causing me to crush down onto the floor. I couldn't hold both our body weights up. He rolled off of me and onto his back. We laid next to each other like that for a moment, before Jon asked his dreaded question all too soon.

"Are you going to tell the truth or am I going to have to break you?"

* * *

**What do you think? Did she sign the contract? Please leave a review :)**


	13. Liars, Traitors and Cheaters

"Are you going to tell the truth or am I going to have to break you?"

His words were ringing in my ears like daggers piercing into my flesh. I had been caught for lying, and clearly he found lies very punishable. Could things go worse than they already had? I mean clearly it was more important to him that I told him the truth than him liking the truth, so why lie again?

"Truth", I said, absolutely exhausted because of what had just transpired. He looked at me and sat up after catching his breath. I sat up in front of him and looked him into his eyes. They were sparkling like new life had been breathed into his body, like he had taken my energy into him and now it was electricity in his veins.

"DJ asked me if I wanted to sign a contract with Combat Zone Wrestling", I started. His jaw clenched and he looked away from me, like my face was too much to him. I was a traitor in his book already.

"And I... I hesitated but then he changed my mind. I signed", I said clearly, not stuttering or anything like that. It was now out there, there was no way he wouldn't have understood what I had said. He scoffed and got up.

"Jonathan", I called as I watched him walk to and enter the bathroom. He shut the door calmly, which wasn't a good sign at all. Normally it would be a sign of actual calmness, but with him it was a volcano waiting to erupt. I got up and pulled fresh panties and a t-shirt on before walking to the bathroom door and knocking on it.

"Jon?" I asked. I heard no sound from inside. I kept knocking for a moment, but I didn't get a response of any kind. I needed him to react to know there was a way to get over this. He didn't, however, which made it all become the worst case scenario. When I realized he wasn't going to open the door or talk to me, I slumped down to the floor and leaned against the wall next to the door. I hugged my knees and my head dropped down. I couldn't function at that point, because I felt like I had fucked over the one person that I could trust and that I owed everything I had at that point to. He had been my savior in disguise, my very own broken mind, my lost soul and my twisted king. And I wanted so hard to be everything he wanted me to be, as flawless as I could, and I had wanted to please him with everything I had in me. Why had I slipped like this? Why now? What was so wrong with me that I had hurt the one good thing I had? I couldn't tell you if I tried. I sobbed on the floor for god knows how long until the door finally opened. Jon walked out and my head snapped up to look at him instantly. I jumped up and hugged him from behind, trying to keep him there. He stopped walking for a moment, but he then shook his head like he was telling himself not to give in. My hands were separated from each other by him, and I lost my grip on him. He was now fully clothed and I noticed him grab a bag from the closet, the one you would use to travel. I walked to him again and grabbed his wrist.

"Jonathan what are you doing?" I sobbed. He wouldn't look at me, his eyes were locked to the air in front of him. My fingers left his cold skin and he started packing clothes into the bag.

"What are you doing?" I asked him again, the tears flowing freely down my cheeks. He didn't answer, he only cleared his throat.

"Baby?" I continued. I didn't usually call him anything like that, but I absolutely needed his attention. I still didn't manage to get it though. I sat down on the bed behind him and looked at his messy hair and beautiful form. He finished packing in mere minutes and zipped the bag close. He stood up and started walking to the front door. I ran to it and managed to get there before him. I was blocking the door which probably wasn't the right thing to do, maybe I should have allowed him to leave me, I wasn't good enough for him in the first place, but I needed him more than I needed my internal organs. I was a crying mess between him and the door. I looked into his eyes, hoping that connection would make him change his mind.

"Jon you can't leave me, please, don't leave me", I said with broken breaths. He sighed and ran his hand through his hair, maybe he was considering staying?

"Move", he ordered. I shook my head.

"Never. I need you", I said, my heart more open than ever.

"Just... just fucking move".

"No".

He looked around him like there could be something in the apartment to help him get me out of his way. He exhaled loudly before lifting me up, I was too surprised by his sudden movements that I didn't realize what happened, and he roughly dropped me down on his other side. I barely landed on my feet, one of my ankles twisting awkwardly in the process. I jumped up and hooked my arms and legs around him, clinging onto him with all my body weight, which admittedly wasn't much especially for a guy like him.

"You are not leaving", I begged. He managed to get me off of him again and I went to block the door once more.

"Please", I whimpered. I was willing to do anything to make him stay. There were no limits on how far I would've gone if it meant keeping him here with me. He was so angry, his fists were balled and he needed to get out. But I was too selfish to let him go.

"MOVE!" he roared at me. I got so scared I absolutely froze. He was in a state of absolute rage, ready to crush me to get out. But I was okay with being crushed. I still didn't move.

"You can't-" I started. And then I collapsed to the floor with the biggest physical pain I'd ever felt crushing my face. I looked up from the floor to see Jon open the door, taking a final look at me. He had punched me in the jaw. And in the middle of the pain and feeling of being completely shattered, the only thing I managed to say was the one thing I had promised myself I'd never say.

"I love you"

He then stepped out and closed the door.

* * *

About an hour of weeping and shaking on the floor later I managed to stand up and walk to the closest mirror. I was sure my jaw had been dislocated, so I thought the thing I should do next was go see a doctor. It was all a blur, not only what had happened but the very moment in which I was living. I knew I had dressed up and gone to the hospital with a taxi, but I didn't understand it while it was happening. My mind was filled with him, and only him. I had been weak and foolish and unfortunately I had fallen in love, breaking the only rule I had. I had promised myself that no matter what happened, I wouldn't fall in love. Why? Because I was a worthless nothing, I didn't deserve anyone and I was meant to be alone. Nobody should have to deal with all the problems I had, well, I was a problem on my own anyway. I was sitting on a chair before being called into the room where the doctor examined me.

"What happened?" she asked worriedly. I looked up at her, knowing full well my face was still swollen and red from crying.

"I fell", I calmly explained. It was the first time to come to my mind.

"Are you sure?" she asked, she knew that I was lying. But I stuck to my story and nodded. She looked at me for a moment, sighed and started to examine exactly how bad the damage was. My lower lip had been busted open as well, I hadn't even noticed that earlier. Time was nonexistent while the doctor did everything she thought was necessary to tell what condition my jaw was in. My mind was so stuck in that one moment that kept replaying in my head, Jon leaving and the door shutting behind him.

"Aright, your jaw isn't dislocated but it is in a pretty bad condition. I'm going to write you a prescription for some painkillers. Expect a bruise to show up by tomorrow. And be very careful with talking and such, it needs time to heal", she explained. I didn't really register any of it, the only reason I was in a hospital was because that's where my instinct had taken me to. Soon I left and picked up the pills I had been told to get and went back home. The apartment didn't feel right without the person I loved inside of it. It was almost funny how the only time when I could say those forbidden words and confess my love was when I had been punched. I fell onto the bed as soon as I could and closed my eyes. I was so exhausted I fell asleep immediately.

* * *

Next day I woke up the latest I had ever woken up, it was five pm when I got up. I was startled by a throbbing pain on my face and then it hit me, everything that had happened the night before. I felt like crashing back down onto the bed and dying there, was there even a point to doing anything? It was very likely that I wouldn't see Jon in a long time, but right then I hoped I'd see him in four weeks when there would be a show where Jon was supposed to be at. Not that he would talk to me then, but I held onto the hope of just seeing him and being close to him, even if it was only for the show. I took a couple of the pills on the nightstand and swallowed them before taking a shower. I dressed up and did my hair and make up just to keep myself busy, to keep my mind off of Jon even if it was only for a split second. But when I had done all that a question popped into my head. What now? Well, there was one thing I had learned in my life: When everything goes to shit, go get drunk. Nothing could get worse now, I had hit rock bottom. So I grabbed some of the money DJ had given me from the show the other day along with my purse and left the apartment. The fresh air outside felt amazing, I thought, as I walked around trying to find a bar. It didn't take too long, though, before I found myself sitting on a chair in front of the bar with a mix of vodka and coke in front of me. It also didn't take long for me to down it. I needed more, so I told the bartender to keep the drinks coming whenever he saw that I was almost finished with the previous one. Hours passed and the clock turned to eleven. There were a lot of people around me, but I wasn't in the mood for having a conversation. I checked my phone to see if he had tried to contact me, but he hadn't. It didn't matter how far or how close to me he was, I could still feel his touch on my skin and I could still smell his scent on my clothes and I was holding onto those sensations like otherwise it would all be over.

I lit a cigarette, thankful that it was okay to smoke inside the bar since it was so cold outside and I didn't want to leave the warmth inside. Someone sat down next to me and lit a cigarette of their own. I glanced at them, and "they" turned out to be a rather handsome man. Green eyes, brown hair, a nice face. Was he Jon? No. Nobody was anywhere near being as perfect as Jon. I sighed before I took a drag and exhaled. He reached out his hand.

"Hey. I'm Max", he said. I nodded without a response. I saw him shrug and blow out smoke rings. I felt like trying that myself. I inhaled and waited for the smoke to get thicker before moving my aching jaw in a snapping movement. I was more than excited to see that on my third try, small rings of smoke formed in front of me. I laughed and then realized Jon had once told me that one day I'd learn how to blow smoke rings. He had said that one day I'd learn. And now I had. And I wanted him to know. I got up from the chair and practically ran out of the bar. I dialed Sami's number on my phone to ask him if he knew where Jon was.

"Hello?" I said excited.

"Yes?"

"Is Jon with you?" I asked.

"... Uhh, yeah", he replied.

"I need to see him".

"I don't think that's a good idea", he said. I didn't care, I just hung up and started walking to Sami's place, knowing he didn't live too far away. I didn't care about what he thought or what Jon thought. I could do smoke rings. Jon needed to know I could do it now. I walked the street with a drunken smile on my face as I got closer to my destination. When I got to the building I could already hear loud music coming from inside, and when I reached Sami's front door it became obvious they were having a party of some kind inside. I rang the doorbell anxiously and waited for someone to open the door. I heard someone on the other side unlocking it before it opened.

"I can do smoke rings!" I exclaimed like it was the biggest thing in the world before I realized what was in front of me. It was Jon. With his arm wrapped around some girl's waist.

"Cool", he muttered, took a sip of his beer and shut the door in front of my face. Back to square one.


	14. Square One

Two weeks and five new scars later I found myself in a black hole of emptiness and intrusive thoughts, both mixed together. I hadn't left the apartment, not even once. I had barely eaten anything during those weeks, I was incapable of functioning like a normal human being. I was sitting in the living room with my laptop, but I couldn't pull myself together to do anything with it. What did a normal person do with such a thing? I couldn't remember. I sighed and turned the TV on, a show was on with a therapist or a doctor of some kind talking to a man who's father had died. The audience listened carefully as the therapist gave advice to the man.

"Now, one thing you can do to sort out your emotions and thoughts is to write your father a letter. Write down what you want to tell him, how you feel towards him..."

Maybe I should take a professionals advice and use it myself. I decided to it out, so I started to write Jon a letter that he'd never see, but what I needed to make. I had thought it would be a very difficult task to form words out of the tornado of emotions, feelings and thoughts in my head and my system. Yet somehow, once I started writing, everything just felt right and I wrote it all out there. I was on fire, so to speak.

_The void you left inside of me is the biggest one I've felt yet. You know everything that has happened to me and how much I've struggled every day of my life, you know that I should by all intents and purposes be dead by now and you know that I'm a survivor above all else. You know how many times I've almost ended my own life because there was no light at the end of my tunnel. Yet I can honestly say that the biggest pain I've ever felt is losing you. You showed me that good things existed and dragged me out of the dark place I had been stuck in for over fifteen years. And now, Jonathan, my one and only love, you are gone because of a reason that is in no way acceptable. This wasn't supposed to be our end. It is ridiculous that out of all the possible reasons, the one reason why we aren't together anymore is because you got angry at me for taking a job, when you slept with my best friend and punched me in the face and I forgave you for that. I've done my all but you are gone. And that hurts more than you can ever imagine. I promised myself a long time ago that no matter what happened I'd never fall in love again, because I've been in love once before and it hurt me so bad I couldn't function for two years. Now, I fell in love with you within a few weeks. That feeling doesn't go away no matter how hard I try. I've tried to bleed it out of my veins, tried to think it through, breath it out and cry it out of my system, but it won't go away. I am in love with you so deeply that I've realized you are and will always be to me the one. You are my very own twisted, manipulative, hurtful and broken soul. You never treated me like you did everyone else, because to you I was special. And you were the same to me. We were each others sanctuaries and now I've lost mine. I've lost my own peace of mind, the thing that kept me going. And I am out of tears to cry, the blood I let out has turned to ice, my brain is in a lock and my lungs are crushed. There is nothing I can do to get you out of me, and I know you'll never leave. You will always be inside of me as the void you left. I love you, Jonathan Good. I love you more than anything in this world. I hope you know that._

There it was. My emotions in a single piece of paper. I groaned on the sofa after closing the laptop and crumbled down into a fetal position. Square one was without a doubt the worst place to be at.

* * *

Two more weeks later. The day of the show. The first show where I'd see Jon, if he showed up in the first place. DJ had agreed to pick me up since I didn't own a car. We were driving to the show, Cage of Death it was called. A December special. I couldn't believe Christmas was only two weeks away. I silently hoped I could be the one to go into the cage of death to die, not only would the bloodthirsty fans get their money's worth but I'd get the hell out of the state I was in. I was empty inside, there was nothing there.

"How have you been doing?" DJ asked me.

"What do you mean?"

"With everything that went down with Jon.." he muttered.

"Ohh, yes, I am doing great", I started. Then my fake smile stopped working and I almost broke down into tears again. Once I pulled myself together I shook my head and continued. "No, I'm not okay. I'm absolutely broken", I stated.

"I'm sorry that it went down like this. I had no idea he'd leave, I thought he was more mature than that", he said. I knew full well he was on Jon's side, they were friends after all. His words were just a way to make me feel better.

"He is mature, he's just... he's like an explosive, one wrong move and everything just... boom, you know?"

"Yeah"

"So... has he talked about me? And is he like... seeing anyone?" I asked shyly, trying my hardest not to sound like desperate and needy girl.

"Uhh, he talked about you once, the day after you broke up or whatever", he answered.

"Okay... but, is he?"

"Is he what?"

"Seeing anyone?"

He turned to look at me and bit the inside of his cheek.

"Do you want the honest answer?" he asked. I nodded, obviously I wanted the honest answer.

"He isn't seeing anyone, but he's been sleeping around a lot", he said. I slowly nodded and turned my head back forward to look at the road. I didn't want to think about how Jon was doing so good when I was feeling like shit, I couldn't even think about sleeping with others, yet he had thrust his dick into the first pussy that had come his way and every single one since. I sighed at the thought.

"Can I smoke in the car?" I asked.

"Go ahead".

I lit a cigarette and blew out cheerios. They were cute, small O's. The kind I was able to do before I had met Jon. Maybe I hadn't been able to do the big, shooting O's during the time we hadn't been together, but all along I had been able to do cheerios. And maybe that was, after all, just as good.

We pulled up to a parking lot and I got out of the car, a plastic bag in hand with the same outfit I had worn the show before.

"I have a new outfit for you to wear", I heard DJ say.

"Why?"

"You can't wear the same thing all the time, makes the company look poor", he laughed. I let out a laugh of my own, even though it took effort to get it out. We walked inside where he handed me a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, much more comfortable for me.

"I don't have to wear heels, right?" I asked him. He shook his head a no and I thanked him, walking to the closet where I had changed before. I went inside and quickly started changing, hoping nobody would walk in. I was paranoid even though I had checked ten times that the door was locked. I took off the red CZW hoodie I was wearing, it had been left behind by Jon and it still smelled like him so it was my favorite thing in the world. I adjusted my bra before pulling over the t-shirt with the Switchblade Conspiracy text on it. I changed to the black shorts as well and took in a deep breath. I nearly had a heart attack when the door opened and shut closed immediately after, I turned around just in time before I was pinned to the wall behind me. It was Jon, right there in front of me, hovering so close yet so far. I had missed him so much I instantly started to cry. He wiped the tears off of my cheeks with his thumbs and kissed me hungrily, like he had been needing this for years. He pulled back only for a second to take in more oxygen before he kissed me again, his tongue swirling in my mouth and the taste of him; it was intoxicating. His pulled me flush against him with a rough movement of his hand, and I could feel it on my back. This possessive touch was feeding the addiction I had, my addiction of Jonathan Good. I kissed him back like there was no tomorrow as I felt his hands lifting my shirt off of me. Our lips broke apart for a moment when he took the fabric off of me, but he was back on my skin as soon as he could, attacking me. And I enjoyed it more than I am willing to admit. He was shirtless and I heard him open the zipper of his jeans before tugging down my shorts and panties, dropping them to the floor quickly. He pulled back and lifted me up against the wall. We kept kissing each other as his hand found my breast, squeezing it and pinching my nipple. His mouth soon traced lower too, and he gently bit my other nipple. My hand went into his hair, it felt so good to feel his soft curls in my hand. He was so intense and I was more than eager to please him. He positioned himself better before thrusting inside me, stretching me again, and it took me some time to get used to his size again. I whimpered and moaned with my senses being too much to handle. His head was resting on the crook of my neck as he kept thrusting inside me. It didn't take long for me to go over the edge, I shivered against his body as he kept going. His hand found it's way to my clit and he started rubbing circles on it with his finger and soon I was building up a second orgasm. He continued his movements until we both came, damn nearly at the same time too. I rode out the feeling of him, but once everything came back to me I started crying again. He lowered me back to the floor and I dressed up while sobbing. I slumped down onto the concrete and he sat down next to me, leaning against the wall as well. He took a cigarette from my bag and lit it.

"I don't like L&M greens", he stated. I looked up at him, still a sobbing mess.

"Then why are you smoking one?" I asked.

"I don't know", he said. My tears turned into a laugh, and he chuckled too.

"Jon, I'm so sorry", I pleaded. He looked at me for a moment before silently taking another drag.

"I can quit the job if you want me to", I continued. "I need you".

"I didn't flip because you took the job. I flipped because you did it behind my back and then lied about it. I trusted you, you know", he said, flicking some of the ashes onto the ground. I nodded.

"And I betrayed your trust. I know. Honestly, I know that I'm not good enough for you", I explained. "I'm not trying to make you tell me how great I am, we both know I'm not. You can get anyone you want, alright? You're perfect", I said, meaning every raw word that came out of my mind.

"I'm not perfect, darling", he said, looking at me with a smile on his face. At least his dimples were perfect.

"Don't call me that, please", I whispered.

"What? Darling?"

"Yes", I replied. He smirked.

"What you said after I... you know-"

"Punched me in the face?" I said very quietly.

"Yeah. Did you mean what you said? The L-word?" he asked. I took in a deep breath.

"Yes. I love you Jon", I stated. Now it was his turn to take in a deep breath of air.

"We should go do the show", he said running his hand across his hair. I nodded as we got up and left the closet.

I was sitting backstage, waiting for DJ to drive me home after the show. I saw Jon leave with Sami, and I noticed him turning to look at me before leaving. He winked at me and smirked. I didn't know what he felt towards me, but I didn't have my hopes too high up. I knew how manipulative he could be, but maybe, just maybe deep down I needed to be manipulated by him. Or, maybe, he wasn't manipulating me at all and everything was okay. He hadn't apologized about hitting me, or replied to me telling him I loved him, but for now that was alright. I didn't expect him to be all open about his feelings, I knew he had a hard time talking about them and figuring them out himself.

"Hey you", I heard DJ's voice as he walked to me.

"Hey, ready to go?" I asked. He nodded. Soon I found myself on the passengers seat as he was driving me home.

"I heard rumors about you and Jon and the closet", he said, raising his eyebrows at me. I laughed.

"Hah, rumors are just that. Rumors".

"Maybe. Hey, we're having a small "party" kind of thing at my place tomorrow, if you want to show up then that would be cool. Maybe get to know some of the people you work with", he said.

"Oh, sure. I'm down".

"Great. I'll text you the address later", he replied with a warm smile. It was kind of him to try helping me out. Not to mention now I had something to wait for. Maybe square one wasn't that bad. After all, when you are in square one, you get to start fresh, on a clean table. And that, that was a very good position to be in.


	15. The Dove And The Wolf

I was late and trying to rush everything together. It sucked to have DJ being the person to drive me around, he was my boss after all, and it was even worse to be late like this. I was never late, but the one time I was of course it was DJ out of all the people who had to now wait for me. I was hectically throwing my stuff into my bag.

"Just a moment", I shouted over my shoulder.

"Like I said, no hurry", he assured me. But I didn't want to make him wait nevertheless, so I grabbed my bag not being completely sure if I had everything with me, and hurried to the living room. He was sitting on the couch but stood up when he saw me.

"I'm ready", I said. He nodded and we walked to the door.

"Oh shit, wait just a second", I turned on my heels and grabbed a twelve-pack of beer from the fridge, rushing back to him shortly after.

"Now I'm ready", I laughed. He smiled and we left. I didn't know how to feel about going to the party, should I be optimistic because Jon was there or should I be concerned because everyone there probably knew Jon's side of things and might be rude to me? Only time would tell, I thought, as we started driving to DJ's place.

"I'm sorry for asking you to pick me up. I just couldn't figure out the address, I had no clue where it was and I don't have money to spend on a cab and-"

"It's cool. You worry about shit too much", he laughed.

"Yeah, I know", I sighed.

"So, how are you enjoying your job so far?"

"It's great", I replied, my mind on completely other things.

"I'm glad you're enjoying it".

"Well it's much better when I don't have to look like a slut. When Jon handed me the outfit on the first show I nearly had a stroke", I laughed.

"At least the fans enjoyed it, right?"

"True".

The rest of the drive went quickly with random chatter, but when we got to DJ's house I suddenly got anxiety. Was it a good idea to go in there? I didn't know. Did I want to know? Not at that point.

"It's gonna be alright. Just a party", DJ said. Apparently it was obvious that I wasn't sure about anything.

"I hope so", I whispered.

"Come on", he said and I started to walk behind him. There were already a lot of people there when I entered, DJ clearly trusted these people to let them be in his house drunk without him being there. I wouldn't have known where to go hadn't DJ been there, he guided me to a sofa and sat down on it with me. My main goal was to drink the anxiety away, and as the first hour passed, I achieved that goal. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't pissed or anything, but in a calm and relaxed state of mind. I had a lot of fun talking with DJ and occasionally some other people. There was knocking on the door, and when it opened my heart skipped a beat. I knew Jon would be there, but seeing him, it just gave me butterflies. I was too shy to look into his eyes when he spotted me, but I couldn't avoid it when he surprised me by sitting next to me with Sami.

"Hey", he said with a smile. He knew I couldn't help but melt at the sight of his blue eyes and dimples.

"Hello", I replied, taking a big swig from my beer.

"Can I take one?" he asked. I gave him one of my beers with a smile and his fingers brushed against mine, only slightly, but it still gave me goose bumps.

"So, how have you been doing?" I asked.

"Uhh, alright, I guess", he replied. "And you?"

Now that was a question I didn't want to answer. He could tell if I lied, but I didn't want to seem desperate either.

"Uhh... I've been... less than alright", I answered with a nod. I couldn't look at him right then as his gaze made me think of how it felt when he touched me, when he whispered into my ear and what it felt like to cuddle against him.

"I've missed you", he said.

"Same here".

"And... I'm really sorry about hitting you". I just nodded.

"I'm gonna go for a smoke", I excused myself, the emotions starting to get the best of me. I walked outside as the house didn't have a balcony, and sat on the stairs of the porch. There was snow on the ground, shining against the darkness of the night. I heard the door open and close behind me, before someone sat down next to me.

"I really miss you", I heard. It was Jon, again.

"I- uh, I wanted to be alone", I whispered.

"I know".

I looked up at him confused.

"But I wanted to join you", he explained and lit a cigarette of his own. I decided to change the subject.

"Hey, check out what I learned", I said. He looked at me interested in what I was doing, which felt good. I proceeded to french inhale like a pro and he looked impressed.

"Nice", he said and tried it out himself. He failed and I laughed.

"You can't laugh at me, you'll destroy my confidence", he said and stuck his tongue out. I scoffed.

"Yeah, right", I responded. "I keep hearing you've been like... really over me".

"What do you mean?" he asked. His voice was almost angry now, his emotions changed so easily.

"Apparently you've been fucking a lot of bitches", I blurted out, it sounded much worse than it was supposed to. He was silent now.

"That doesn't mean I'm over you".

"It sure as hell doesn't mean I've been in your mind", I replied.

"It's you I'm thinking about when I fuck those chicks".

I looked at him and honestly, he had never been so open about his thoughts and emotions with me. I forced myself to smile at him.

"Darling, I want you more than anything. But you aren't ready for it. Not to mention I hit you, which means now it's _me_ who doesn't deserve _your_ forgiveness. I can't risk hurting you again", he said, his voice cracking midway through. I leaned against him.

"I'm in more pain without you than I would be if you hit me every day", I whispered. He kissed the top of my head.

"I haven't slept in a long time. It's not easy going to sleep without you next to me. It doesn't feel right", he whispered. It was indeed true that night was made for saying things you couldn't say in daylight.

"I know. I've felt the same way", I said.

"But we're not ready. Not just yet".

"I know". We sat there for a while, staring at the shining stars above us, until the door opened and a group of people came outside.

"We ordered strippers!" I heard one of them shout. Jon smirked at them before he stood up and reached his hand out to me. I gladly took it, and his skin felt amazing against mine. We walked back inside and sat down on the same spots we had been sitting on earlier. We didn't speak much, just sat there and it felt so right. He softly placed his hand on my thigh and while I should have taken it off of me, I couldn't. I looked at his hand and then up at him and our eyes locked. I looked away shortly after, as the door opened and three strippers entered with the group of guys we had seen earlier. I burst into laughter, it was hilarious to me that there were actual strippers there. I had never seen one in full color and it was certainly a weird experience. Then I realized I was the only female in the house and everyone else was a guy. Shit. Some of the guys, Sami included, made room in the center of the room and it was only then that I noticed there was an actual stripper pole there. Jon's hand then suddenly left my thigh and he straightened up next to me, his eyes locked to the women in front of him. His eyes filled with lust immediately, and it sucked having to watch him look at those women the way he used to look at me. I won't lie, I got jealous. The act started and all the guys cheered the girls on, occasionally making rude remarks about their looks and such. The women didn't seem to enjoy the experience, but I noticed one of them eyeing Jon, making direct eye contact while doing sexual poses and working the pole. I sighed and tried to think of something else. After what seemed like an eternity, the act was over and just as I got my hopes up that they would leave, Sami jumped up from his seat and shouted:

"You are staying here!"

And they did. And they flirted with damn near everyone they could, but the blonde one had her full attention on Jon, forcing herself between me and him. I had a short temper.

"What the fuck?"

"Oh, sorry honey, didn't see ya there", she answered. Who the fuck did this bitch think she was? I got up from my seat and turned to look at her.

"Well now you fucking do. Trust me, if you do anything like that again, I won't be afraid to do something about it", I spat before turning on my heels to go back outside for another smoke.

After cooling my nerves I went back inside only to see the stripper sitting on Jon's lap. I had had enough, and decided it was my time to leave before I actually did something I couldn't undo. I grabbed my bag from the floor and went to the fridge to get the rest of my beers, there was no way I'd let anyone drink them except for me. Fuck that.

"Hey, you leaving already?" I heard a familiar sound behind me.

"Yeah, I had fun though. And I've been here for hours already", I replied to DJ standing in front of me.

"Need a ride?"

"I'll walk", I replied and looked over his shoulder. I could see Jon taking the blonde stripper to another room, clearly to fuck her. I huffed and stuffed the remaining beers to my bag before throwing it over my shoulder.

"You sure? I mean you don't know the road back that well", he protested. He was right, in my anger I had already forgotten I didn't have a clue as to where I was.

"Oh shit, right. Yeah, I do need a ride", I said and he grabbed the car keys from the kitchen counter. Thankfully he wasn't drunk so the ride back went just fine. I waved him goodbye and walked up to the apartment door. I went through my bag but couldn't find my keys.

"Fuck", I muttered out loud. I emptied the bag on the floor and surely my keys weren't there. The only person with another key was Jon, and I couldn't go back even if I wanted to, as I didn't know how to get to DJ's place. I looked down from the window to see DJ had already left, and didn't want to bother him any more than I already had. I silently cussed in the hallway and looked around for answers that weren't there. I then sat down in front of the door, absolutely clueless as to what my next move should be.

* * *

I woke up. Woke up? Had I fallen asleep? Where was I? Who was shaking me? I opened my eyes and remembered I was in the hallway, and it was strange that I had fallen asleep there.

"Hmm?" I muttered as my eyes adjusted to the light.

"What are you doing?" I heard someone ask. I straightened my back and finally made my way back to reality.

"Jon? What are you doing here?" I asked.

"I live here", he answered. "Now tell me what it is that you are doing sleeping in the hallway?"

"I forgot my key inside", I whispered. I got up as he opened the door to the apartment. I walked straight to the bedroom and took off my skinny jeans and sweater and replaced them with a t-shirt Jon had left earlier. I took off my bra as well, doing so with the shirt on so that I wouldn't show Jon anything. I don't know why, it wasn't anything he hadn't seen before, but I still didn't want him to see me topless.

I buried myself into the bed, but Jon grabbed me by my arm and pulled me up roughly. We looked into each others eyes for a moment, before we both knew exactly what to do. He ripped the t-shirt off of me and pushed me back to the bed only to take off my panties before pulling me back up. He had difficulty taking off his belt so I did it for him as his hands roamed my body. I tugged on his jeans and he managed to slither out of them. I instantly pulled down his boxers and threw somewhere when he stepped out of them. He grabbed me harshly and I jumped up, crossing my legs tightly around him and enjoying the deep kiss we shared, his tongue roamed my mouth and he tasted like fucking heaven. I felt my body crash into a wall and we continued to kiss as his hand palmed my breast and squeezed it roughly, doing the same to the other one. I moaned his name into the kiss which made him chuckle and I felt the vibrations run through my body, making me even wetter than I already was. He pinched my nipple and my legs tightened around him even more as I whimpered. He pulled my nipple before letting go and he went to kiss my neck, sucking the skin to mark me as his again. My hand roamed in his hair and the other one went to his back, my fingers digging into his skin. My nails would definitely leave red marks there, but neither of us cared. He raised his head back up to look at me for a split second followed by another deep, lustful kiss which almost made me cum right there. He pulled back and threw me onto the bed, he was on top of me within seconds, his hands making their way up my stomach to my throat, where he squeezed gently. He spread my legs wider open with his other hand and I felt his rock hard erection press against me. I wrapped my legs around him again and he pinned both of my arms above my head with his right hand. He rubbed my clit and pushed his full length inside of me, making me moan loudly.

"Oh god", I whimpered.

"Not god, just me", he said huskily as he thrust inside me agonizingly slow.

"Fasterrr", I moaned. He chuckled but did what I asked him to do. The speed picked up and the thrusts went so deep it actually hurt like hell, but I wanted, no, needed the pain. It made the pleasure ten times more powerful. He filled me so completely and each thrust moved my body even though he was gripping my hip with one of his hands. He pulled me towards him and kept going, smothering my moans with a kiss that took all the air I had out of my system. And it felt so, so good. I felt him moan my name into my mouth, which rumbled through my body and nearly made me cum right then. I squeaked and he moved his hand from my hipbone to my jaw, holding my head firmly in place and pushing two fingers into my mouth, stretching my cheek with them. When he took his fingers out of my mouth he placed them in his, sucking off my saliva from them. My hands were still pinned to the bed and I was trashing around because my orgasm was building to be so strong I couldn't help but move to get some of the energy out without cumming all over him, because I knew he wanted me to hold onto it. He noticed my struggle and let go of my hands and I clung onto his back for dear life. He placed his hand on my throat again and squeezed harder this time. He thrust again, and I was so close. It was hard for me to breath and with his next thrust I clawed his back as I came, harder than ever before. My scream choked into my throat as my pussy tightened around his cock, and that was too much for him, as he went over the edge too, finally releasing the hold he had on my throat. Everything went white for a sweet eternity, and once I came back from the high I could see Jon's face, he looked so perfect after an orgasm, so innocent when he couldn't control his expression. He soon crashed down next to me and we were both completely out of breath. Minutes passed as I tried to figure out what to say, when the words suddenly left my mouth without me realizing it.

"You fucked that stripper", I muttered into the pillow I had pulled on top of my face.

"I didn't", he replied. I looked into his eyes and he was indeed telling the truth. Eyes never lie.

"Why are you here?"

"I already told you. I live here"

"Well you've lived here for the past few weeks but haven't exactly been around", I countered.

"You weren't ready".

"Stop saying that. You don't know that".

"I know you like the back of my hand, darling". Before I could protest he pulled me close to him, my back against his chest. His arm found it's usual place around my waist and he kept me close to him. I could hear him smelling my hair.

"What are we doing?" I asked.

"I don't know. What do you want?"

"You"

"I want you too", he answered. "I didn't think you wanted me anymore, though"

"I have made it obvious that I do".

"But it doesn't make sense" he protested.

"Jon, I love you. It doesn't have to make sense". Then there was silence, as there had been previously when I told him I loved him. I wasn't about to hide it, I was sick of hiding the way I felt.

"So are we back together?" I asked.

"Lesson four, Sasha".

"You only taught me three", I replied.

"I know, but here's the fourth. I love you too", he said. I turned to him and he pulled me into a deep kiss.

"We're back together", he assured me as he stroked my hair. "And I love you. I love you so much".

"I love you too", I replied with a smile. I snuggled against his chest and fell asleep with my one true love there with me.

* * *

I woke up the next day, realizing I now had a person in the world who loved me. I was loved! And if that didn't feel amazing, then nothing did. I couldn't wait to tell Jon I loved him every day for the rest of our lives. I opened my eyes and turned around. Jon wasn't next to me, so I knew he'd be in the balcony. I walked over there, stretching my arms above my head with his t-shirt on. He wasn't in the balcony, I noticed. I went through the apartment, looking around, but he wasn't there. I went back to the bedroom to get my phone so that I could call him, but I had already received text from him.

_"I can't do this, I'm sorry"_

And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. He had left. Again. And once again, I was just a dove bitten by a wolf.


	16. Click Start

**It didn't feel done yet. I struggled between keeping it the way it was and continuing, but I just couldn't leave it yet.**

* * *

The silence within me was enough for someone to think my organs had stopped functioning. I woke up to see nothing and fell asleep to darkness and it surrounded me, nothing was real and everything was bad. Bright lights above my head, they felt usual yet disturbing. I knew I was in a hospital. I knew they thought I was insane. I didn't know how I had ended up there, I couldn't remember for the life of me, but when I looked down from the bed I could tell I wasn't moving, unlike the last time I was conscious, when they were rushing me to the operating room. I blinked a couple of times and went to wipe my eyes, they felt sticky. My hands didn't move, I was restrained. I tried to pull my hands to free them to no avail, I didn't have any strength in me. Something came up to me and blocked the sickening light in the room, the brightness was too much for me to endure.

"Hey, you", I heard someone whisper. I couldn't open my eyes anymore, I was so tired. The person there stroked my cheek once.

"How are you doing?" they asked. I tried to answer but all that came out was a mutter.

"She might be too tired, you can come and try again tomorrow", a warm voice said. It wasn't the same one, I assumed it was a doctors voice.

"Is she going to be alright?"

"There was major blood loss, but we managed to recover her. She'll heal, physically, but I would recommend therapy for her", the doctor said. I muttered again, trying to let them know I could hear them.

"It's okay darling you just rest now", the raspy voice said from next to me. "You'll be okay".

* * *

I woke up, no idea how long I had been in the hospital. I saw a nurse beside me.

"Excuse me?" I whispered, my voice much weaker than I had expected.

"Oh, hello dear", she responded with a sympathetic look on her face.

"How long have I been here?" I asked.

"We took you in five days ago. There are people in the hall that have been waiting for a long time".

"Waiting for what?" I asked.

"For you to wake up. I'm glad I get to tell them the good news", she said. I looked down at my hands, they weren't restrained like I remembered them being when I first woke up days ago.

"Can I see them?"

"Sure thing. I'll tell them to come in", she said with a smile. Soon I saw two familiar faces walking up to me and sitting down on each side of the bed.

"Hey", I whispered, recognizing my two now best friends, Danny and Devon.

"Hey girl. We've been really worried about you", Danny said. I smiled at him.

"I'm okay".

"Clearly you're not. What the hell happened?" Devon asked from the other side. I turned to look at him, then at my wrist.

"I can't remember, man. I was out of it". I remembered taking several different drugs, no memory of what exactly they had been, just everything in my sight. I almost overdosed, but instead was so out of it I had slit my wrists.

"Well you're never going to a party like that again", Danny commented.

"Didn't plan to do that".

"They say you could leave when you wake up, if your condition is good enough".

A doctor walked in soon, he talked to me for a moment and told me I could indeed go home. I was in a stable condition, after all, and the guys had promised to take care of me. We left the hospital and I was happy to get some fresh air. I couldn't help but look under the gauze and look at the damage. I slipped it off and was shocked, the cut had been very deep. We walked to the car waiting in in the parking lot and drove to a nearby hill, where we stopped. I sat down on the hood of the car and leaned on the windshield. Devon sat down next to me and passed me a couple of things; a hoodie to keep me warm, my phone, a pack of L&M greens and a beer. I thanked him and relaxed. I lit a cigarette as did the both of them.

"I love you guys", I said.

"We love you too", Danny replied.

"Thanks for bringing me here". They had driven to my favorite place, you could see the stars from there, the sky was always very clear. I loved space so much, and the fact that they had bought me my favorite smokes made it even better. It truly was the little things that made me happy.

"Damn this feels right", I said. Devon looked at me and laughed, placing his arm on my shoulder. I leaned against him. These guys were truly my best friends.

"You'll never do anything like that again, right?" Danny asked. I shook my head.

"Nah. I'm never gonna get myself into that state again", I responded sincerely. He nodded.

"Oh shit a shooting star!" I exclaimed. There indeed were shooting stars above us, and yet, with everything being so beautiful there was only one thing in my mind. Jon. I had been consumed by the thought of him ever since he had left, and hadn't seen him since. It was all too much, and the first thing on my mind had been suicide. I had been depressed after he left, and thankfully got to know Danny and Devon at a bar. But when we had gone to a party that turned out to be a huge drug fest, something triggered within me. I was popping pills and snorting coke, everything at once, and the only reason I didn't overdose was because the police came and raided the party, me and the guys had barely managed to slip out in time. In the state of hallucinations, I had slit my wrist on the backseat of the car. When they noticed, they had driven me to the hospital. I would forever be thankful for that.

"So you guys, uhh, I remember waking up at some point and there being a tall guy next to me, talking to the doctor and me and shit. Was that one of you?" I asked. They looked at each other for a moment, sharing a confused look.

"Nope, they wouldn't let us in. But when we came back from getting coffee one day, there was a guy walking out from the room", Danny remembered.

"Weird", I muttered. "Have you heard from Jon?" I asked softly. They groaned together at me. Devon pulled me closer and looked at me.

"Sasha, we've told you a million times, stop thinking about him. He's poison to you. I wish we would've been friends much earlier, we could have warned you. He doesn't do relationships", he said. Danny agreed with him.

"But he told me he loved me!" I exclaimed.

"Honey, I wouldn't be surprised if he did it to shut you up for a moment", Danny sighed. I buried my head in my hands and moaned.

"Why does everything need to be so hard?"

"It doesn't have to be! I mean, alright, you got us now, right? And DJ agreed that you can work with us now", Devon assured me.

"Really?" I asked. They nodded.

"Come on, you're already a part of the Nation of Intoxication out of the ring, why not inside it too?".

I was more than happy about not having to work with Jon, I couldn't have handled it. I looked up at the stars, wondering if maybe Jon was looking at the sky too.

I was sitting on Danny's bed. They had told me they wouldn't let me go to the apartment, apparently Jon might be there. So, I would have to crash at Danny's place, which I didn't mind at all. Devon would stay there too, as he usually did. They were practically roommates. I had already taken a shower and was ready to fall asleep. Danny would sleep on the couch, even though I had told him that I should be the one to take one for the team since it was their place. But, he was stubborn so this is how we ended up.

I missed Jon. I missed him so much it hurt to breathe. I needed him, and deep down, I believed he needed me too. Why he had left? I didn't know. There was nothing I hated more than not knowing, but I couldn't do anything about it either. I hated that too, not being able to do anything. I twisted and turned in the bed, trying to find a comfortable position. Usually I'd be tired after taking a shower, and considering I had been exhausted all day and had just been released from a hospital I should have fallen asleep just like that. I didn't however, there was so much on my mind. Too much. I took my phone and looked through it. No missed calls, no texts, no nothing. I placed it on the nightstand and looked at the ceiling for what felt like forever, before I finally fell asleep only to see nightmares.

* * *

Morning was literally bursting through the blinds, the sun was so far away yet it managed to aim right into my eyes. I got up to shut the blinds and went back to the bed. I pulled the covers on top of me, they smelt like Danny. I loved that smell, it smelled like family. I was pretty much their little sister and they were my two older brothers, always messing with me but also very protective. I heard the guys talking in the living area so I got up and walked to them.

"Morning sunshine", Devon greeted me. He knew full well how much I hated being called anything like that.

"It's too early for you to be obnoxious", I told him and poured myself some coffee before sitting down on the kitchen counter.

"So what are we doing today?" I asked.

"We're gonna go ice skating". I burst into laughter, almost falling down to the floor. Once I managed to contain myself, I saw them looking at me with complete poker faces.

"Wait what? You're serious?"

"Yeah! Come on, it'll be fun", Danny said.

"Where exactly did this idea come from?" I asked. They shared a look. A look of creep.

"What?" I asked them, squinting.

"Well, there's a thing at the skating rink. It's a-"

"It's a singles night!" Danny interrupted, almost shouting. I groaned.

"Oh come on guys!"

"Oh come on to you too"

"Yeah, what's the last time you got laid?" There was a silence. I huffed.

"The night Jon left, thanks for asking", I replied. They seemed uncomfortable.

"Alright, I'll help you two dorks out, but I am not trying to get laid, just so you know", I said before hopping off and strutting to the balcony. Of course the guys followed me.

"Anything can happen, Little Sasha", Devon said, winking at me. I punched him in the arm.

"Just stop alright?"

"Alright... For now", Devon replied. I rolled my eyes.

The day flew past me, and it was time to get ready. I didn't have anything with me, though. No make up, no hair straightener, no nothing. I didn't even have any clothes, besides one pair of skinny jeans that I had left in the apartment on a previous visit.

"Guys, I can't go", I said as I walked towards them with my hands behind my back.

"Yes you can. You will", Danny said, cocking an eyebrow at me.

"I don't have any make up or a hair straightener, sooo..." I trailed off, hoping they'd let me stay in.

"First of all, you don't need make up. So that's cleared". I huffed at their response. "And I think we have a hair straightener", Danny finished.

"Why on earth do you have a hair straightener?" I asked. Devon winked at me.

"So a girl left it here? Why did she have one with her?"

Devon just shrugged. I did my hair shortly after, but still didn't have clothes.

"I don't have a shirt though. Or a coat at that", I protested. Danny disappeared for a moment before returning with a whole bag of clothes that were left behind by different ring rats. I looked at them in disgust.

"No", I stated and pushed the bag away. "I'd rather borrow something from you".

"Feel free to go through my closet. There ain't much there, but I think you'll figure something out.

I got up and walked to the closet and started going through the clothes, they were all scattered everywhere. I spotted a black hoodie with the N.O.I -logo on it and pulled it on. It was way too big, but felt comfy. I grabbed a beanie I saw there too and put it on. I walked out and saw the guys were all ready, waiting for me.

Devon threw a grey coat at me. I managed to catch it and put it on. I looked at myself in a mirror and was quite satisfied.

"I guess I'm going with the 'borrowing your boyfriends clothes' look tonight then".

We found our way to the skating rink, grabbed pink wristbands on the desk there was inside and went to get skates. The wristbands were there to signal what our status was. Apparently we were "available", as the wristband stated. I wobbled my way to the ice, having difficulty maintaining my balance. Devon was struggling even more behind me, so me and Danny had to help him to the rink. It was like the blind leading the blind, but we managed to get in. I held onto the rail behind me for dear life as I begun to move, it had been forever since I had been ice skating.

"Oh shit" I heard from behind me, followed by a thud. I turned around to see Devon had hit the ice, I laughed so much I nearly broke apart.

"A cow lying down isn't trapped, it can get up whenever it chooses", Danny commented.

"Fucking stop laughing guys, it isn't funny! Help me up", Devon whined. I was still laughing as I made my way to him and tried to pull him up. His body weight was too much and I ended up crashing down right on top of him. I laughed even more.

"Well that failed", I managed to get out while proceeding to laugh my ass off. Finally Danny helped me up and we pulled Devon to his feet together.

"If anyone saw that, I'm definitely not getting any tonight", Devon huffed. I still had a smile playing on my face when we attempted to skate to the other end, where Danny spotted some girls with their neon pink wristbands shining all the way to our end. We not so smoothly made our way there, and talked game plan. I got sick of it pretty quickly.

"Oh come on you pussies", I huffed and went to the group of girls.

"Hello", I said.

"Hey", they replied, sort of confused as to what I was doing.

"See those guys there?" I said, pointing behind me where I just knew Danny and Devon would have terrified expressions on their faces.

"They are single, and would like to talk to you. But they are like, really shy" I lied. There were dreamy sighs and "ohh":s coming from the girls and I clenched my teeth.

"Yeah, I know. Could you go talk to them, I bet they'd really like that. They are really sweet guys and looking for something serious too", I lied again. The girls looked at them again before skating their way to the guys. They instantly started talking, and while I knew those poor girls would just get fucked, I thought I owed the guys a favor or two. Danny gave me a thumbs up and I decided to head for the bar.

I sat down in front of the bar, telling the bartender that I wanted a vodka coke. She gave it to me almost instantly.

"You're Sasha, right?" she asked. It caught me by surprise.

"Yeah, have we met?" I asked.

"Oh, no, I'm just a fan of CZW. You look great with the Switchblades", she said. I nodded with a smile.

"Did you come here with the big group over there?" she asked, pointing to the left. I turned around my seat and looked to the back of the bar area, seeing familiar faces.

"Nah, a smaller group", I replied. My gaze was noticed by DJ, who waved at me. I returned the gesture and saw the other guys turning their heads to see what DJ was waving at. I noticed the one thing I didn't want to see, Jon. I instantly turned back to the bartender and downed my glass.

"Another one?" she asked.

"Yeah, keep them coming", I replied. There was a tap on my shoulder and I turned my head, thankfully it was DJ and not Jon.

"Hello", he started. I smiled at him as he sat down next to me.

"How are you? I heard about the incident", he said.

"I'm alright, okay?" answered, stiffer than I had planned. It pissed me off because I knew that he would tell Jon everything I said. Jon probably knew about the whole suicide attempt too. And it wasn't any of his fucking business anymore.

"Okay. I'm just looking out for you", he sighed.

"You don't have to", I replied, downing my drink yet again. The bartender instantly gave me another one. I smiled at her.

"If you say so. We're moving you to work with the Nation", he said.

"I know".

"Okay. I'm gonna head back, let me know if you need anything though".

"I will. Thanks DJ".

About an hour had passed. I was swirling the drink in the glass, occasionally looking around. I enjoyed being alone, it gave me time to think. And that's exactly what I needed to do at a time like this. I looked at my phone to see it was almost eleven pm. I sighed and drank the rest of my drink, nearly choking on it when someone landed their hand on my shoulder. I coughed roughly when the person sat down where DJ had been sitting before. I looked to my left to see how it was.

"You got a lot of nerve to do that", I spat at the person. The person was Jon.


	17. Intoxication

I looked directly at him and a new vodka coke was placed in front of me. I yet again thanked the bartender, and yet again downed my drink. A new one found it's way in front of me. That one I didn't down, believe it or not.

"We need to talk", he sighed.

"Fuck off. I'm telling you. Fuck. Off", I warned him through gritted teeth.

"I'm not going anywhere. Not without you", he said and shrugged. He didn't even look at me, he just calmly ordered a beer. The bartender looked at us absolutely confused, but I didn't care one bit.

"Why did you come here? Hmm?" I asked him. I was boiling, the nerve of that guy. I was ready to beat his ass into the ground.

"Calm your tits, alright?" he replied. I took a deep breath. I took a sip from my drink and placed it back on the counter. Why was he putting up an act?

"Just wanted to know how you were doing", he muttered, looking down at his beer.

"That is none of your fucking business you stupid son of a bitch!" I shouted. Silence fell into the bar area, I could feel people's eyes on me.

"Look what you did", he whispered. I paid for my drinks and hopped off the chair. I made a beeline for the nearest door. I slammed the door shut behind me as I entered the dark, cold, winter night and lit a cigarette, inhaling as much as I possibly could. It didn't get easier when Jon followed me. I turned around to shout at him, to vent everything I had within me, but I couldn't. He grabbed me by my shoulders and kissed me. But this time I wasn't willing to give in. I pulled back which caught him by surprise. I had a split second to decide my next action, and in the heat of the moment I did something that surprised the both of us; I punched him right in the face. His head turned to the right, he wasn't expecting that at all. I was sort of shocked but mainly scared, I knew he had a temper. He slowly turned to look back at me. I punched him in the chest.

"I hate you!" I yelled on the top of my lungs. He grabbed my hands and pushed them down.

"I deserved that", he muttered, clearly pissed off. He backed me up to a wall and I hit it roughly. I didn't have time to recover, he pressed his lips onto mine immediately. I tried punching his chest again, he wouldn't move. I tried to slip away, he wouldn't let me. But I still had my legs, so I lifted my knee up to kick him in the groin. He caught my knee between his legs before I could connect, but I still didn't give in. His tongue forced it's way to my mouth and while I wanted so bad to give in and melt into him, I couldn't. I bit his tongue and pressed my teeth down to the point where he started to bleed, but he only chuckled in response. He finally pulled back, my teeth grazing his tongue as it happened.

"Baby, that's the danger of being with a guy who likes it raw", he whispered into my ear. I tried to push him back and he finally gave me space.

"Jon, I hate you. I hate you from the bottom of my heart. Leave me the fuck alone, because next time, I'm calling the cops", I stated, crossing my arms in front of my chest. He pouted, mocking me.

"Don't be like that babe", he purred, stepping closer again. He wrapped his arms around me tightly and pulled me against his body. He smelled wonderful and felt like home. I was battling with giving in and continuing the fight.

"Please, just let me go", I whispered.

"Never", he replied, his raspy voice bringing back all kinds of feelings in me. Thankfully the door opened at this point.

"What the fuck!?" I heard Devon shout. Jon let go of me and I rushed to Devon, he pulled me close to him to let me know everything was okay now.

"This doesn't concern you", Jon explained.

"You bet your ass it concerns me, this is my girl right here you're fucking around with. You've done enough damage already, back the fuck off", he hissed. I saw Danny walking in too, a look of concern on his face. "I'll beat your ass if this ever happens again".

Jon chuckled at them, his tongue sliding out of his mouth. He found it amusing. He walked away, his eyes still nailed on me.

"What the hell happened?" Danny asked.

"I don't even know. Let's just... let's just get out of here, alright?"

"Of course".

I was sitting in the backseat of the car, Danny and Devon were in a liquor store doing the shopping for tonight. It was great hanging around with the guys, there was always something new to do or a party to attend. They entered the car soon and handed me a bottle of liquor and a pack of smokes.

"That should do for you tonight", Danny commented. I shrugged.

"Maybe, maybe not", I replied before taking a swig from the big bottle. I didn't enjoy the taste, it was too sweet, but it was a cheap bottle and a guaranteed intoxication. Devon rolled down a window and lit a cigarette, turning to me.

"How are you doing?" he asked. I rolled my eyes.

"Why do you keep asking me that? I'm fine".

"Well, you were fine on that one night when that happened", he said, pointing at my wrist. I looked down at it and back at the guys.

"I wasn't fine. I was a mess", I protested. He shrugged and turned away from me.

"Where are we going?"

"B-house", they replied in sync. We begun to drive to the "B-house", whatever the hell that was. I had heard of it, but had no idea what it would be like. All I knew was that it was another place where mainly people from CZW used to hang out and get pissed. But the only CZW employee I had a problem with was Jon so I just went with it for now. If he would go there, I would leave. And that was that.

We arrived at a house, well, it was more like a cabin. Everything was made of wood and I was looking around, not really sure where I was anymore. I walked inside with them to see even more wood, and a lot of people. I didn't really care about my surroundings, I just needed to get Jon out of my head. Danny and Devon greeted some guys, apparently they were all friends with each other, and introduced me to them. I shook a couple of hands but my primary target was the large group of people dancing at the other end of the room. I slipped away from the guys and went to dance, my bottle of liquor in hand. I was dancing to forget. After some moments passed, I felt someone behind me, their hands roaming my body. I turned around sharply and looked at a man I didn't recognize.

"Sorry, but I'm not in the mood for that", I said. He shrugged at me and went to grind against some other poor girl. I'd had enough of dancing and tried to find the guys again. I saw Sami in the corner of a room and walked to him.

"Hey, have you seen Danny? Or Devon, either one?" I asked.

"I didn't think you'd talk to me", he said.

"Huh? Why not?"

"Because I'm Jon's best friend. Anyway, I haven't seen either one. Probably banging already or something", he replied shrugging. I nodded and turned around. When I couldn't find them anywhere, I went to the car outside. I sat down on the drivers seat and my eyes locked with the backpack on the passengers seat. I knew it was Danny's and started to go through it, looking for one thing and one thing only. I soon found what I was looking for and rolled a joint. I placed it in my mouth and lit it, the smoke invading my system. I coughed a little bit but that didn't matter, I wanted to get Jon out of my mind and this was the right way to do it. I wasn't a drug abuser by any means, I hadn't even had many encounters with it, this would be my third. I instantly started feeling better and turned on the radio in the car. I drank from my bottle while singing along to old songs on the radio. I noticed a car pull up to the yard. At first I thought it was the cops and ducked down, but instead it was a group of guys. The party had been full of girls, maybe they would even the odds, I thought to myself as I inhaled again. I jumped when I heard knocking on the other window. I clamped my hand to my chest, on top of my heart and almost dropped the bottle. I looked to my right. It was too dark to see who there was so I just opened the door. It was fucking Jon. Why was he stalking me? As soon as I saw that it was him, I tried pulling the door of the car closed, but he yanked it open.

"Leave me alone", I muttered and got out of the car when he wouldn't let me close the door. I started to walk away from him and the house in the cold winter weather, absolutely freezing. I flipped him off with my back turned to him, when I felt him raise me up and lift me over his shoulder. I pounded my fists on his back and kicked him with my knees, but he didn't care. He pushed me into his car and closed the door. He got in on the other side and started driving. The doors didn't open.

"Hey!" I shouted. "What the fuck is wrong with you?!" I moaned. I pulled out my phone and was about to call Devon when he grabbed it from me and put it in his pocket.

"What the fuck? What the fuuuck?" I kept repeating. I had no idea what was going on.

"Hey!? Jon?!" I stared at him biting the inside of his cheek.

"What?" he hissed, snapping out of the trance he was in.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"I don't quite know yet", he responded. I huffed and looked out of the window.

"You can't just kidnap people like that", I whispered.

"Shut up! I'm thinking".

"Well excuuuuse me", I mocked him, taking a sip from my bottle, which hadn't gotten away from me at any point. He drove far away and I recognized the neighborhood I was in, we were going to our apartment. He parked the car and I tried to open the door again, it was still locked. He got out of the car and opened the door for me. I got out and tried to make a run for it, but he was too quick. I found myself on his shoulder again, as he walked to the elevator and out of it, all the way to our door where he opened the it. He put me down and locked the door, backing me away from it.

"I told you we need to talk", he said.

"You're fucking insane!" I cried. He looked offended and pushed me away from him.

"Fucking shut up and listen for once!" he shouted at me. He was always scary when he yelled, it was different. It was nothing but terrifying, it made you want to curl up into a ball and disappear. But I couldn't lose to him now.

"How about you listen, hmm? You are the one who left! AGAIN! So you don't have a right to be running after me at parties and fucking taking me against my will!" I screamed. He raised his eyebrows at me and raised both of his hands like this was something to joke about.

"Can you for once be serious?" I sighed. He didn't care.

"Why did you do this?" I moaned.

"Because" he said as he walked back to me, towering me. "I love you", he said. It didn't even take effort, it just slipped from his mouth like it was natural to him.

"Don't ever say that shit to me again. You don't know what love is, you're trying to manipulate me again!" My voice was shaky and so were my legs, I wanted to crumble.

"I'm sorry I left", he said. "I'm really fucking sorry, Sasha. But I love you and I want you back".

"Too fucking late. Why did you leave anyway? To fuck another girl?"

"No! I don't know why I left alright? I was just... fucking scared I don't know".

"You are fucking poison to me, Jon. You are killing me can't you see that?"

Suddenly I was pushed to a door and he placed both of his hands on either side of my head. He bent down to look me straight in the eyes. I closed my mine to avoid eye contact.

"Look at me, Sasha", he whispered. I slowly opened them again, and his eyes had me under his spell. I wanted him so much, I wanted it all, the pain, the love, everything in between.

"Sasha. I'm sorry. Please forgive me, I love you", he said. "And when you tried to kill yourself and I saw you in that hospital... It fucking killed me, Sasha. And to know that I was the reason for that, it fucked me over bad"

"Wait, it was you at the hospital?" I whispered.

"Y-yeah, I mean, yeah I was there right after you got out of the operating room", he stuttered. He was panicking hard and nearing a mental breakdown. I knew I should have let him deal with the pain, I didn't know what it was, the fact that I was under the influence or the fact that I was hopelessly in love with him, but I gave in. I pushed my body towards him and wrapped my arms around him. I buried my face into his chest and he was shaking; the love of my life was in pain. After a moment he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me even closer. That's what happens when you're addicted. You will do anything to get the drug, you ignore the side effects even if they are stronger than the actual drug. I looked up at him and saw drips of something on his face. I realized he had actually shed tears thinking about me in the hospital. I reached up and dried his face. He tilted my chin up to look at him, and he kissed me. This time, as much as I hadn't wanted to, I melted. I was now under an influence bigger than any drug; I was in love. And love isn't sweet, like a crush, or intense pleasure, like lust. Love is nothing but pain, it's letting another person consume your mind because you can't do anything about it. It's so strong, it paralyzes you. And that's what I was feeling.

"Jon", I whispered.

"Yes?"

"You have two strikes. Three and you're out" I warned him. He nodded and we embraced.


	18. Repress The Memory

**Hey all of you who don't leave reviews. Where is the love at? Come on don't be shy. Leave a review. Dooo iiiiiiit.**

* * *

"Stupid", Devon commented while sitting on the couch eating his cereal.

"Stupid", Danny repeated on the other end. I slumped down in between them and grabbed the box of cereal on the table. I started eating them straight from the box.

"It's not stupid!" I exclaimed looking at Devon for a response. He shrugged and placed his bowl on the glass table.

"I think it's, uhh... how do you say it Danny?"

"Stupid?"

"Exactly". He picked up the bowl of cereal again and kept eating, slurping the milk annoyingly.

"Okay, first of all, for two guys who just bang without feelings you don't know what I'm going through! I'm in loooove", I said and hugged myself. Danny rolled his eyes and sighed.

"Love sucks"

"Well, to correct you Danny, the problem is in fact that love doesn't suck. Random chicks at bars, they suck. They suck good", Devon stated wiggling his eyebrows.

"You are disgusting! And who are you to say anything anyway, you're eating cereal at six p.m!" I whined.

"You love it".

I glared at him and lit a cigarette. I didn't even bother going to the balcony even though I usually did. The guys didn't mind anyway.

"So you fucked?" Danny asked me.

"Uhh, no"

They shared a look.

"They totally fucked!" Danny howled clapping his hands.

"You look like a fucking seal, stop being like that"

"So you did?"

"I already told you, we didn't. We're taking it slow" I explained slowly and calmly, the way you would talk to a little child. Because these two were children in my eyes. Two horny and death match wrestling children.

"Don't lie Sasha!"

I didn't even bother answering, I took a drag and blew the smoke into Devon's cereal.

"Ya know I'm still going to eat it, right?"

"Of course you will", I replied rolling my eyes.

Did we have sex? No, truthfully we had not. We had been too tired for such a thing and ended up cuddling and then falling asleep. But were the guys ever going to believe that? Nope.

"So what happens now that we have a show to do? Which side are you on?" Danny asked.

"I honestly don't know, I guess I'm with you guys".

"We should totally train you and then you can have like a death match, would be cool".

"No chance in hell", I answered. Absolutely not, I had no interest in becoming a wrestler.

Devon finished his cereal and I took the bowl to the kitchen for him, it had become a habit of mine to clean around in Danny's apartment. Otherwise it would have been a dump all the time. I returned to the couch and slumped back down.

"I'm bored", Danny yawned.

"What? Nothing to do all day?"

"Well we don't have any plans, we need to make some. And you're coming too, no chance Jon's going to take you away from us".

"Guys, he's not taking me away from you. You're my best friends and brothers after all. But I promised I'd be with him today too", I said.

"Well I sure hope so, would be a shame if we had to beat him up for stealing you", Devon said. He shifted on the couch and lay down on it, resting his legs on my thighs. "How did you end up in your apartment anyway?"

Oh shit.

"I-uhh, I walked?" I muttered.

"Lies!"

"Oh give me a break!"

"Nope, tell the truth or get out of my property!" Danny continued, now sitting on the armchair opposite of the sofa.

"Not funny" I groaned. "Alright, so I was sitting in the car since I couldn't find you two at the party, and someone tapped on the window. I opened the door and it was Jon, and he wouldn't let me close the door so I started walking. One thing led to another and we were at the apartment".

"That 'one thing led to another' -part. I don't like that", Danny said. I glared at him.

"One thing led to another. That's it".

"Bullshit!" Devon exclaimed.

"Oh fine, he carried me to his car and shoved me in, drove to the apartment and carried me in there too", I huffed. A smile was pulling on Devon's face.

"What?" I asked.

"You just gave us a good reason to beat his fucking ass", he stated.

"No, I didn't. I told you the truth and you should respect that and where are you going?" I asked as I saw the two of them get up from their seats and start walking to a closet.

"Don't worry about it sweetheart", Danny said over his shoulder. I got up and hurried to the closet, noticing the baseball bat Devon had in hand.

"Oh no you don't", I said and walked to the kitchen, grabbed a chair and walked back to the closet. I shoved them in there, closed the door and used the chair to keep it closed. Soon there was loud knocking on the door.

"Sasha! This isn't a fucking game!"

"I'm not going to let you go apeshit crazy over this!" I yelled back. It had been a stupid plan, but it had been the first one to come to my mind.

"I'm calling the cops", Danny warned me. I looked to the table in the living room and saw that both of their phones were there.

"I'd like to see you try", I responded, crossing my arms in front of my chest.

"Don't make us break the door", Devon shouted. They did sound angry, but they needed the time to cool off. I made my way to the living room and put the TV on, watching cartoons while eating cereal.

* * *

"I need to take a piss", sounded a voice from the closet. They had been in there for about an hour, and it was the first noise they had made in a good twenty minutes.

"Me too", the other one whined. I got up and tiptoed to the door.

"And you promise you won't do anything against my will if I let you out?" I asked softly. There were loud groans which made me smirk. I knew they wouldn't lie to me.

"Fine".

I calmly took the chair away and opened the door. I stepped back and boy did they ever look angry at me. They didn't say a word to me as they both went to use the bathroom. They even argued about who would get to go first, eventually Danny won that argument since he was the owner of the apartment. Then they walked to me and stared me down.

"That. That was not cool", Devon sighed.

"It was pretty funny, though. Unlike beating someone up with a baseball bat, douches".

They didn't reply. They looked at each other for a moment, though.

"Thinking what I'm thinking?" Danny asked. Devon nodded. I didn't have time to get confused, Devon grabbed me by the arms and Danny by the legs and they carried me to the open space in the living room before putting me on the floor. Devon kept my arms in place while Danny sat down on my stomach and started tickling me. I wriggled and laughed and trashed around but they wouldn't stop.

"Gu-guys", I managed to breath out, struggling greatly.

"What?" Devon teased me.

"I'll- I swear to god I'm going to-"

I couldn't compose the rest of the sentence. I started kicking Danny in the back with my knees and he finally got off of me, leaving me laughing on the floor.

"You guys know I hate that!" I whined, still rolling on the floor. I really did hate being tickled, it was awful.

"Well you shouldn't have told us your one big weakness. Well, you other big weakness", Devon said before pulling me up.

"And what's the other one?" I asked, my face still red and hot.

"Jon", he said. My eyes shot open at hearing his name.

"Yeah..." I whispered.

"Look, Sasha, it's great you feel all that love stuff towards him, but if he hurts you again", he said and shook his head. "I guarantee you I will kill him", he said, meaning every word. I sighed.

"I know. I uhh, I think I should get going", I said. I put on my jacket and the beanie I had stolen from Danny's closet and gave the guys hugs before leaving. I knew they were worried for me, but they also had a tendency to overreact. I took a cab and was soon on the front door of the apartment, this time I had remembered my key with me. I entered to the sight of Jon and Sami on the balcony. I took off my shoes and coat and dropped my bag on the floor and went to the balcony. I stepped inside.

"Hey"

Sami just nodded at me, like he usually did. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, he didn't have to be so cold to everyone all the time, jeez. I didn't think about it for long, as Jon pulled me into a warm hug. He was like a huge teddy bear, I loved that about him. He kissed my forehead before pulling back. I sat down on one of the chairs.

"So what are you talking about?" I asked.

"This girl Sami banged yesterday", Jon said. Now I couldn't help but roll my eyes.

"She was fucking amazing man. Wild", Sami said.

"What did she look like?" I asked dryly, trying to be a part of the conversation.

"Green eyes, long hair that was like copper or whatever, she was short and skinny" he described, obviously way too proud of himself.

"And she had like this tattoo on her thigh, a lion-"

A lump appeared in my throat. I once knew a girl with green eyes... copper hair... and a lion tattooed to her thigh.

"Her name?" I said, the words almost choking in my throat.

"Uhh, I don't know. It started with an L..".

"L-Laura?" I asked, mine and Jon's eyes locking instantly.

"Yeah! That's the one", Sami said. "I'm telling you, she was the bomb".

I got up and left the balcony, remembering yet again the fact that Jon had fucked my former best friend, the green eyed, copper haired, lion tattooed Laura. There was no running from it, but I had thought I could run away from Laura and the way she had left me. But no, she just had to appear in Philly and fuck Sami. Jesus, what had happened to her? She used to be so innocent. I groaned and grabbed a pillow from the ground before punching the thing repeatedly. Jon and Sami soon walked in.

"I think you should go", Jon said. Sami didn't disagree and left quickly.

"What's wrong?" Jon asked, locking his arms around me from my back and snuggling against my neck.

"You know what's wrong", I muttered, still punching the pillow.

"Did that pillow hurt you?" he asked, chuckling at his own joke. I threw it to the other end of the room and turned to look at him.

"Why does my past keep following me?" I asked.

"It's not following you", he murmured.

"It feels like it. I just want to forget", I whispered.

"I'll help you". He spun me around and kissed me, owning me with the kiss. I moaned into it and he loved it, pulling me even closer, his hand on the small of my back. He took my hand in his and lead me to the bedroom. He pulled me on top of him on the bed so that I was straddling him.

"Jon this isn't what I meant", I whispered.

"Shut up and let me help you", he insisted, pulling me down to him, his lips pressing on mine again. He pulled my hair so that we would break apart and he took off my shirt and bra with swift movements. He pulled me back down, controlling everything that happened for a reason; so that I wouldn't have to worry about anything. After a moment of passionate kissing he turned us around, he stroked my cheek with his hand before getting up from the bed.

"Take off your jeans", he ordered, that stiffness in his voice that would make a woman do anything he wanted. I did as told.

"Panties too", he said like it should have been obvious. I was completely naked, splayed on the bed in front of him. He smirked looking at me.

"You're beautiful", he said before sliding his shirt off, followed by his jeans. He left his underwear on to my disappointment. He crawled back on top of me, kissing me while his hand found my throbbing pussy. I was always ready for him, my body always went to a zone as soon as he was around me. Like I said, it was addiction. He placed a finger on my clit and started rubbing it softly.

"You love it when I do this don't you?" he asked daringly. I looked away from him, suddenly feeling self conscious.

"Look at me, Sasha". My eyes locked with his again.

"Don't you?" he repeated.

"Yes", I whimpered.

"That's what I thought", he replied with a smug look on his face. His hand left my clit and he placed it on my side, digging his fingers into my ribs while still kissing me. He didn't let me think for one second, my attention was always on him and what he did, just the way he had intended to. I felt his cock pressing against me and I went to pull down his boxers.

"You're a dirty girl", he said. I could feel myself blush, but kept the movement of my hand, trying to tug down the fabric. He placed his hand on mine and forced my hand away from him.

"That's not how this is going down. I have other plans", he explained before getting off of the bed and hoisting me up in the bridal carry position. He placed me down on the floor and grabbed a chair, placing it on the other side of the room. He sat down on it and raised his head, looking down on me.

"Crawl", he ordered. I got up on all fours, not sure if I wanted this.

"Do. It", he said, growing impatient. I started crawling to him, it would have been embarrassing if it had been anyone besides Jon. But it was him, there was nothing I was ashamed of with him. Once in front of him he lifted my chin.

"That's a good slut", he commented. A moan escaped my mouth and he grinned at me.

"On your back"

I turned onto my back and lay down there, waiting for his next move. He took a whip out of the closet where I could see other toys as well. So this was going to be one of _those_ times. He walked around me, dragging the whip on my body. The leather felt cold against my bare skin.

"I'll make sure this", he said pointing at the whip, "is all you'll remember", he promised me, his eyes lighting up as he raised the whip and landed it down across my stomach. It was just a warning to get me ready, but the impact still hurt, the stinging soon spread across my body. I tried to keep myself silent but I couldn't; a whimper left me almost immediately as my back arched against the sensation. He licked his lips hungrily.

"I love the way your ribs look when your body bends like that", he said. It was a weird thing to say, but coming from Jon's mouth, I couldn't have cared less. Everything he said was good.

He moved around again, the leather sliding on my skin. He stopped in front of my legs and pushed them apart roughly with his foot. The whip made sharp contact with my stomach and my pubic bone, almost reaching my pussy. I hissed at the pain, but deep down I wanted more. He whipped me three more times before telling me to turn over. I turned to my aching stomach to receive more pain inflicted on me. There were lashes on my back and my legs, before he ended the whipping with a final strike on my ass. I was a shivering mess when he pulled me up and he had to hold me, otherwise I would have crumbled to the floor. He pulled me close to his warm body and held me there for a moment, making sure I felt alright.

"Take these off of me", he commanded, snapping the elastic of his boxers. I pulled them down and he stepped out of them. He then lead me towards the chair and sat down on it before pulling me onto his erection. I felt raw but I wanted him so bad I ignored the pain. He gripped my hips and pushed me up and back down slowly, controlling the rhythm. It pained me to be so filled by him so quickly, but he didn't care and he didn't want me to do so either. I moaned as I tried to get into the rhythm, my body still feeling powerless from the whip, but he helped me move which made it easier.

"You feel amazing, oh god", he groaned. I slid up and down his cock, it was hard trying to keep my balance with the limited space of the chair, but I tried my hardest.

"Get up", he groaned after some time passed. I obeyed and stood up as did he. He backed me down to the bed and pushed me down, getting on top of me as soon as possible. He pushed inside me again and started a series of sharp and fast thrusts. I wanted to touch him, but he made sure I couldn't, pinning my hands down to the bed while thrusting.

"Oh god, Jon", I moaned loudly.

"Cum for me you fucking slut!" he growled in return. He was panting like hell and his thrusts became more aggressive, like he was trying to impale me with his cock. He hit my sweet spot again and again until I came, his orgasm following soon after. He lay on top of me for a moment, nuzzling against me, before he pulled away and went to clean himself. He threw me a towel and I used it to clean up. He practically jumped on the bed with that cocky smirk on his face. He handed me a t-shirt and panties and I pulled them on.

"Did I help you forget, darling?" he asked. I rested my head on his chest and felt it move with his breathing, it was so soothing.

"Yes", I whispered, half asleep already.

"Good. I love you", he reminded me, stroking my hair lazily. I got shivers from the way it sounded.

"I love you too", I whispered before drifting off to sleep.

* * *

**I said DOOOO IIIIIIIIIT. And thanks to everyone who does! You guys make my life better.**


	19. Mistakes

Trying to keep my distance to Jon, I had made plans to do something without him. I didn't want to be that clingy girlfriend, no way. The last time around, when he was literally all I had, it had ended up with me being left all alone without anyone. But, now that I had Danny and Devon, I could do stuff without him. And that felt good, I must admit. The doorbell rang and I opened the door to let the two idiots into the apartment. Jon had decided to go somewhere else, I hadn't asked where.

"Hey", I greeted them.

"We have big news", Danny stated immediately.

"Oh".

"Danny I fucking told you not to jump right into it", Devon groaned.

"Whatever", Danny shrugged.

"So what's going on?" I asked.

"We are taking you to a secret location to celebrate your birthday".

"It's not my birthday", I laughed.

"Yes it is", they both said at the same time. I glared at them and then at the calendar on the wall.

"Oh fuck it's my birthday", I muttered.

"Yeah, happy birthday bitch", Devon said before walking to me and giving me a hug.

"I can't believe I forgot my own birthday though", I muttered while walking to the living room, the two guys following me there.

"Shit happens. But lucky for you, we remembered and have big plans for you", Devon said slumping down on the couch next to me.

"We're going to a hockey game? Awesome!"

"Sorry to disappoint you, but no", he said. I pouted.

"So where are we going?"

"That's a surprise. Just roll with it, you'll have a great time", Danny assured me. While I didn't like surprises, I didn't have a problem with it this time.

"Sure", I replied. Devon pulled a blindfold from his pocket and smacked his hand on my thigh. I flinched hard.

"What the fuck? That couldn't have hurt", he said.

"There's a bruise there", I explained.

"Why?"

"I fell", I replied. The explanation was so overused, I thought for sure they wouldn't buy it, especially when they glared at each other. But I couldn't tell them it was from last night, no way.

"Right... Anyway, I'm gonna put this on you", he said and placed it in front of my eyes.

"Am I dressed for the occasion?" I asked.

"You look just fine".

They walked me out of the apartment and to the car. I could feel movement and tried to find out where we were going, but they refused to tell me. Finally the car stopped and they lead me to a door, I stepped inside but they still didn't take the blindfold off. We kept walking and I could heard the people inside.

"Sit down", Danny said. I did as told and the blindfold was taken off.

"Why am I in a strip club?" I asked dryly.

"Surprise!" Devon shouted. I was literally sitting between two guys in a strip club. I slapped my hand on my forehead harder than I had intended.

"No, guys. No", I said.

"Oh come on this will be fun"

"Yeah, for you two! This is a personal all time low", I muttered.

"There's a reason we brought you here", Danny said.

"And what's that?"

"You're going to see karma", he said.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, sometimes, when people treat other people like shit, karma strikes. And tonight, you'll get to see it live and in full color", he continued. I didn't know what the hell he was talking about, and quite frankly I didn't want to know.

"Guys I don't understa-"

"Ladies and gentlemen! Please, give it up for Karma!" sounded the voice of a man on the stage. The curtain moved and a girl stepped out to run down the stage. A girl with green eyes, copper hair and a lion tattoo.

"What the fuck?" I whispered as I looked at my former best friend pose and bend and strip for money. I looked at the guys next to me, they both had cold looks on their faces.

"See, Sasha? This is Karma. The bitch who fucked shit up with you and Jon and left you for no fucking reason at all, she's doing that for a living now", Devon said through gritted teeth. I looked at my former best friend and it broke my heart. She used to be the light of my life and no matter how bad she had hurt me when she left, I couldn't watch her do what she was doing. I couldn't take the low whistles and disgusting things people were yelling at her. It was horrible. Then, as she made her towards us at the end of the stage, our eyes locked. And I could just see the embarrassment in her eyes. I got up and bolted out of the strip club, getting out from the nearest door ending up in an alley. I couldn't even breathe properly and before I knew it, I threw up. I didn't have anything against strippers, not at all. But to see someone you knew would never do anything like that, doing just that... It made my stomach turn. I was still throwing up when the door opened and shut, before I felt someone place a hand on my back. I turned around after there was nothing left in me to vomit and saw Danny and Devon with guilty looks on their faces.

"Are you fucking happy now!?" I shouted as I pushed Devon away from me. He tried to put his hand on my shoulder again.

"Don't fucking touch me, I'll rip your fucking hand off", I warned him and started walking away. He grabbed me and pulled me against him. He hugged me, and even though I tried to get away from him, he wouldn't let me.

"I need space, get off of me", I whined. He backed off and I sat down on a bench I saw. I tried to spit out the bad taste in my mouth, but it was still there.

"Sasha we didn't think-"

"You didn't think what? That I wouldn't be just fine with seeing someone I used to love more than anything doing that!?" I shouted. They sat down on each side of me. Danny handed me a cigarette and lit it for me. I felt tears running down my cheeks and wiped them off with my wrist.

"We thought you'd, I don't know... Like to see that the person who hurt you isn't doing good", Devon said. "It was stupid, we should have known it would be stupid".

"Well you don't fucking say!"

"We're sorry", Danny said and placed his hand on my back.

"Don't touch me. Don't fucking touch me", I spat out. His hand left my body and I was thankful for that, I couldn't handle any contact from them at that point. We sat there for a long time, not speaking a word. I was trying to pull myself together, but I couldn't. All I could do was remember all the good times we had, when we were just two fucked up kids from fucked up families and with nothing to lose. When we got into fights with other people because they had looked at us the wrong way, when we had gotten drunk together for the first time, splitting a bottle of booze. I missed that so much, I missed Laura so much.

"I love her", I finally managed to say, my voice weak. When I spoke, I almost broke down in tears, it was hard to not cry.

"It's in the past, Sasha. Let go of it", Danny said to me.

"So if I now never spoke to you two again for doing this shit to me, that would be okay because by tomorrow it would be in the past? You two would just be in the past? Huh?"

They were silent for a moment.

"You have a point", Devon admitted.

"And you know what? If an entire person can be just put in the past and never brought up again, then why couldn't their actions be too? She fucked up once! One time guys, one fucking time. What if she regrets it, what if she's over Jon now? What if she wants me back in her life?"

They stayed quiet, knowing full well that was possible.

"People make mistakes. Hell, I've made my fair share of them! You made a mistake tonight. You two, I'm sure you have something you regret. And wouldn't you two like to be forgiven for the mistakes you've made?" I kept going. I was venting now, nothing could stop me before I had gotten everything out.

"Okay, yeah, you're right. But there's still a strong chance she isn't over Jon. And come on, she left you, said she would never want to speak to you again because she thought you stole Jon from her. She probably hasn't changed her mind about that", Danny said.

"Well happy fucking birthday to me", I mumbled and got up. I started walking away when the metal door opened. I could hear a voice behind me.

"Sasha, wait".

I turned around to see Laura, now in her average clothing. I could recognize her now. And I knew she was still the girl I had known. She walked up to me and looked into my eyes, tears running down from hers.

"I'm so sorry", she sobbed before hugging me hard. I hugged her back, as hard as I possibly could.

"I missed you so much", I sobbed into her shoulder.

"I know, I missed you too. I'm so sorry, I was so naive. I love you", she said through broken breaths. The hug was warm and felt like home, it felt like I had found the missing piece to the puzzle that was life.

"I love you too, I love you so much".

"Happy birthday", she laughed while still crying. She pulled back to look at me. Her eyes met mine and I knew that we needed to talk.

"Thanks", I laughed while wiping the tears off of my face. I saw Danny and Devon standing behind Laura.

"We should talk", I said to her. She nodded eagerly.

"There's a coffee shop right around the corner", she said. I nodded and agreed to go there.

"Guys, you don't mind if I-"

"Not one bit", Devon said, smiling at me.

"We'll be in there", Danny continued, pointing at the strip club. I rolled my eyes.

"Of course", I replied with a laugh. I turned around and we made our way to the coffee shop with Laura.

Laura ordered two lattes with vanilla and it made me smile that she remembered what I liked. I didn't mind my coffee black, but it was a nice change from time to time. We sat down in a corner booth.

"So", I started.

"So...", she replied.

"How are you?" I asked. She sighed.

"Not doing good to be honest. Anne... she passed away", she said, I could tell it was tearing her apart inside. I placed my hand on hers.

"I'm sorry", I replied. She nodded.

"And, yeah... I moved to Philly with my boyfriend, James. We're doing alright, even if I do that for a living", she said.

"Oh", I replied, remembering Laura had just had sex with Sami.

"Don't get this the wrong way, but uhh, I hear you had sex with this guy, Sami..", I started.

"Yeah... well, he paid me a lot for it. I don't usually do that, it was my first and only time really, but we were struggling with bills and stuff so James told me it was okay as long as I was cool with it and it was a one time deal", she explained. "It's just sex anyway, the guy lasted for like three minutes too".

I laughed.

"Yeah. So you're over Jon?"

"Completely. When Anne died, it was wake up call. It changed a lot, the way I saw things. I realized that I needed to change, stop thinking about myself so much and focus on other people, you know?" she said.

"You sound much more mature now, I must say", I answered. She smiled.

"So, how have you been?"

"I've had my ups and downs. I uh, I was at the hospital, I had taken drugs and slit my wrist", I said.

"Oh my fucking god Sasha", she whispered. She was clearly concerned for me.

"But it's okay now, I'm not doing that mistake again", I replied.

"Well good, because if you do I will be really mad at you", she replied and we both laughed.

"So what now? Can we pick up where we left?" I asked, biting my lip.

"Absolutely, if you are willing to give me a second chance. I realize that I probably don't deserve it", she said and I could see the regret in her eyes.

"Hey, we all fuck up from time to time. Come on, we've known each other for so long, there's no way I can throw that away", I replied and she smiled.

"Thank you, Sasha. I won't let you down", she promised me. I could tell she meant what she said.

"Good thing".

We finished our coffees and walked out of the shop. She gave me her new number and I promised to call her tomorrow so we could spend time with each other like we used to. I walked into the strip club again, which was an odd experience. I got a lot of looks walking in there alone. I saw Danny and Devon and went to them. I grabbed them by their ears.

"We're leaving, boys", I stated as they stood up and we left.

"You didn't have to rip my ear out", Devon said.

"Well I'm very sorry to offend you. Sounds like a traumatic experience, just as bad as, oh I don't know, taking someone to see their best friend stripping?" I huffed.

"Okay, fair enough".

"I thought so", I replied as I got in the car. I sat down in the backseat while the guys sat down in the front.

"Can you take me home now?" I asked.

"Sure thing birthday girl", Danny said. We drove to our destination and for some reason, Devon and Danny insisted on walking me up to the apartment door. I didn't mind. I opened the door and turned on the light.

"Surprise!" It was a loud noise to hear and it startled me. In front of me was a group of people from CZW, and people I didn't know, probably their friends.

"Thanks guys", I said with a smile, still sort of shocked. Honestly I had just wanted to go to sleep, but I guessed a surprise party was something to be thankful for. The beer started flowing and music started playing. People started to go at it immediately and I saw Jon walking up to me. He wrapped his arms around me and licked his lips.

"You didn't think I'd forget did you?" He asked.

"I actually forgot myself", I responded. He kissed me and I could feel the looks Devon and Danny were giving me. They liked Jon, they had been friends for a long time after all, but they still didn't like me being with him, I was family to them after all. But I didn't care, I kissed him back and it reminded me of the house party where everything had started between us. The way he had marked me in the balcony, how I had sat on his lap, how he had opened the beers with his teeth, and the first time we had had sex. He pulled back and smirked.

"How can you forget your birthday?" he asked.

"I don't know, there's been a lot going on", I said. He took my hand in his and lead me to the kitchen, where he handed me a beer with a pink bow on it.

"For the lady of the hour", he said. I couldn't help the giggle that escaped my lips. His behavior was so weird and funny to watch, especially remembering last night.

"Thank you", I replied and opened it. I took a sip from it while he grabbed a beer of his own.

"So, how was your day? Did Devon and Danny keep you busy?"

"Oh yes, yes they fucking did", I said.

"What does that mean?" he asked, glaring at the two on the other side of the room.

"It means I had a busy day today", I replied and started walking to the living room. I sat down on the couch, Jon following suit. Devon sat down on my other side and placed his arm around me.

"So you knew about this?" I asked him. He smiled deviously.

"Yup".

"I still can't believe you took me to a fucking strip club!" I exclaimed, now laughing at the entire thing.

"Well it turned out just fine in the end, didn't it?" he replied. I smiled.

"Yeah... It did. Thanks", I replied, nodding at him. He winked at me and took a swig from his drink before getting up and walking over to some girls I had never seen before.

"Who are all these people?" I asked, turning to Jon.

"Friends of friends", he replied.

"I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with people in my home that I don't know", I said.

"Don't worry about it, if they become a problem I'll throw them out myself", he promised. I shrugged.

"Alright then".

"So a strip club?" he asked. I chuckled.

"Yeah. A strip club".

Time passed and people got drunk. A little too drunk for my liking, too. You can tell people are drunk when they start singing along to songs they don't even know the lyrics to, but at least it was entertaining to watch and I had a lot of fun. When the time came for people to start leaving, I noticed Danny and Devon were way too drunk to drive and I went to them.

"Hey guys, give me the keys to the car", I requested. Devon got them out of his pocket and held them in the air.

"Come and get them", he laughed. I pushed him ever so slightly and he nearly fell over. I grabbed the keys from him while I had the chance and he pouted at me.

"H-how are we going to get to the... to the Batcave now?" Danny asked and they both laughed like it was the funniest thing ever, high-fiving each other.

"Take a cab", I suggested.

"We don't have any money, it all went to the.. the strip club", Danny slurred.

"Fine then stay here", I said. Jon walked up from behind me and gave them money.

"That should be enough for a cab", he said. The guys nodded and left soon, still mumbling about the Batcave. I turned around after they left, still chuckling at my two friends, they were too much.

"They could have stayed here", I told Jon who was leaning against the kitchen counter.

"I think they'll have more fun at the Batcave", he said. I walked to him and wrapped my arms around his waist.

"I love you", I said. "And your stupid dimples". He laughed.

"I love you too", he said as he played with my hair.

We went to the bedroom and I lay down on the bed after taking off my skinny jeans and bra and changing to a t-shirt. I pulled the covers on top of me and soon Jon slumped down next to me. I was surprised when he pulled me on top of him.

"There's one more thing left to do here, don't you think?" he said while running his fingers up my side.

"And what would that be?" I asked him biting my lip.

"Birthday sex", he stated and smirked before pulling me down to a kiss.

* * *

**Thanks for all the reviews guys! I love them more than I'm willing to admit. Especially thanks to those of you who show love after pretty much every chapter, you know who you are :) Also, I'm surprised by the amount of Finnish readers I have. Terve :D**


	20. Past And Present

**This one is for Siren's Call To The Dead. What the fuck do you mean you're going ghost? You're making me really worried. I at least need to know what happened that made you leave like that. PM me if you see this, please?**

* * *

"Jon", I groaned. "I'm tired though".

"I don't really care, darling. But after this you'll be exhausted", he replied with a devious look on his face.

He rolled us the other way around, so that once again he was on top.

"Why do you always have to be on top?" I whined.

"It's a game of control", he responded.

"Okay, so why do you always have to be in control?"

"Because I love seeing you lose it", he said and started to place kisses on my neck and collarbones.

Honestly, I didn't mind losing control to him anymore. I had been afraid of it earlier, but now it had become a secure way to get lost for a moment. He traced his fingers along my side as he kept kissing my skin. He looked up to my eyes before his eyes moved down, lower on my body. He moved my shirt up to my neck, exposing my stomach and breasts. His mouth found my breast and he sucked on the skin hard, pulling a whimper out of me. His mouth moved to my nipple, he sucked on it before tugging on it slightly with his teeth. He repeated his actions on the other one while his hand slid up my stomach and all the way to my throat, he left his hand there, occasionally squeezing. My hand moved to his hair, I pulled on it and he looked up at me, a smile pulling on his face.

"Kiss me", I whispered. He blinked in the most adorable way before leaning in to kiss me hard, the taste of him mixing with mine. I placed my hand on his back and pushed him even closer while his tongue explored my mouth. He pulled back when we were both out of breath. We looked into each others eyes for a moment, neither of us doing anything else.

"I love you so much", he whispered.

"I love you too", I responded. He smiled before moving back, sliding all the way off of the bed. He took off his clothes and I enjoyed the show, the way his body looked... It was amazing. He was like a sculpture. I saw the scars on his back and it made me sad to realize how much punishment he had taken. I took off my panties but left the t-shirt on. It was one of his, and I loved feeling his scent on me. He turned back around and chuckled darkly.

"Saving me some trouble", he muttered as he got back on top of me. He placed his finger on my pubic bone and slowly slid it down and then back up, looking into my eyes the entire time. I was too shy and turned my head away from his gaze but he turned my head back towards him, kissing me again while continuing to make me more and more aroused, dipping his finger inside me a few times. His warm hand left my pussy and he placed the finger into his mouth, sucking on it.

"You taste great", he said. I couldn't respond, but I could feel myself blush. He just didn't care, he had no shame. I wished I could one day be like that too. He positioned himself between my legs, parting them as far apart as was possible. He leaned close so that his erection pressed against me and he pushed in only an inch, torturing me with the pressure.

"Don't", I whimpered.

"Don't what?" he asked.

"Don't play games. Please".

"Please what?" he asked again, obviously trying to make me blurt out something filthy.

"Please just fuck me", I ended up whining.

"Your wish is my command", he said before thrusting in with all of his force. I lost the air that had been in my lungs, the sensation of him buried inside of me was always a surprise. I shivered underneath him and he slid his hand up and down my chest and stomach, then moving it to get a firm hold of me by my side. He pulled back out completely, and then thrust in with full force, his hips snapping against my skin.

"Happy now?" he asked while he kept the movement going on, not stopping for a moment.

"Yes", I whimpered out. He chuckled but kept going.

I don't know what it was about him, but everything he did felt amazing. No matter how bad it hurt, it was always more pleasure than pain.

His pace slowed down but the thrusts became more frequent. I clung onto him, wrapping my legs around him while he pinned my hands down to the bed with his. I stopped thinking about everything else but the sensation of him inside of me, the way he felt against me. It was my personal heaven on earth. I closed my eyes as I felt my orgasm coming closer and closer. His hot mouth pressed against mine as we both came, his groans and my moans mixing together as it happened. His head pressed against my chest while we got back down to earth. I pressed my hand into his hair and stroke him. He looked up and kissed me again before rolling off of me. I cleaned myself up as did he, and he came back from the bedroom with a fresh pair of boxers before falling down next to me.

"Jon?" I whispered. He turned to look at me with his eyes half closed.

"You have a lot of scars", I said. He smiled.

"Yeah?"

"I feel bad that you've been hurt so much"

His expression turned to a more serious one.

"Scars can be good too. They can be memories on skin", he said.

"Oh", I whispered, looking away from him. He lay on his stomach and placed his arm on my chest.

"Not all of them are good memories. Some are shitty ones. But I like them nonetheless. Do they freak you out?"

"No, not at all", I quickly answered. I didn't want him to think I found him less attractive because of his scars, I absolutely didn't.

"Do you want one?" he asked. I glanced at him to see if he was serious.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean do you want me to give you a scar?"

"I-uhh, why would I want that?"

He shrugged.

"To have a good memory on your skin", he said. "It doesn't have to be anything big".

"So you want to give me a scar? Is that it?" I asked him.

"Well yeah, you have that thing on your skin but it won't last for too long. I want something more permanent", he explained, talking about the mark he had made on me earlier by sucking my skin and biting down on it. I rubbed my neck.

"Can I?" he asked.

"Okay", I said. I didn't know why I said that, but I honestly didn't mind. I should have been against it, but for some reason, I wasn't. His eyes lit up as he sat up and started going through the drawer of his nightstand. He soon found the switchblade he was looking for. He gave me a cigarette from his pack.

"You might need that", he explained and lit it for me.

"Sit up", he said. I sat up and crossed my legs, he positioned himself behind me and I could feel the edge of the blade tracing my skin but not pressing in. I took a drag and turned my head to look at him.

"Just a line, alright? No stupid signatures or anything", I said.

"Yeah, of course. Is here okay?" he asked and traced the spot beneath my right shoulder.

"Sure", I answered. I inhaled as I felt the blade press into my skin and move down, it hurt like a bitch I must admit. The cut was about two inches long, I felt. He put the blade back on the nightstand and lit a cigarette of his own. I turned around to look at him.

"Happy?" I asked with a smile.

"Yeah", he puffed out.

"So can I do one on you?" I asked. He raised a brow at me.

"You sure?" he asked.

"Why not?"

"Because you don't seem like a girl who wants to give scars to others"

"That's not what it's about. It's about getting even, then we both have made marks on each others skin", I explained.

"Fair enough. Same spot?"

"Sure", I replied, grabbing the blade from the table. He turned around I kissed the spot before pressing the knife on it, watching as the skin broke apart slowly and the sun kissed skin left to make way for a red bleeding mark. I made the cut to be like mine, about two inches long.

"Done", I said with a smile and he turned back around. I finished my cigarette and stubbed it on the nightstand, realizing we didn't have anything to stub our cigarettes on in the bedroom. Jon took it one step further, however, as I felt a burning sensation on my skin while stubbing my cigarette. My body flinched but he kept me in place, kissing my left shoulder as the burn was right next to the cut under my right one. He flung the stubbed cigarette away as I hissed at the pain, it was worse than the cut.

"Sorry, I couldn't resist", he murmured. I didn't reply, not because I was angry, but because I was just too tired to come up with a response.

I turned around to see him position himself on his side. I smiled at him and rested on my side as well. I snuggled against his chest before falling asleep with his arm draped over me.

* * *

"Hello?"

"Hey", sounded a voice on the other end.

"So what's up?" I asked.

"Nothing, so we're going out?"

"Absolutely", I answered.

"Where do you want to go?" Laura asked me.

"I don't know, you got any ideas?"

"We could go bowling", she suggested.

"Oh alright, let's do that. I'll meet you at the bowling alley in twenty minutes", I said.

"Okay, bye"

"Bye".

I put together all my necessary stuff and started to put on my shoes. I didn't know what to expect from hanging out with Laura, there was a good chance it would be awkward and nothing like it used to be, but I wanted to know. And apparently so did she, so we were doing this.

"Where are you going?" I heard Jon ask.

"The bowling alley"

"With who?"

"A friend".

"What friend?"

"Jon, give me some privacy for god's sake. It's a female friend", I answered. I hadn't told him about Laura yet, there hadn't been a good time. And I wanted to see how things worked out myself before telling him.

"Fine, whatever", he replied.

"Are you going to be all offended now?" I asked as I walked to him and wrapped my arms around him.

"Maybe", he answered with a smile. He leaned down for a kiss.

"Feel better?" I asked after our lips left each others.

"A little bit, I think I'm going to need more than that though", he said licking his lips and pulling me against his body.

"I guess you'll have to wait then", I answered before sliding away from his grip and walking to the door. I waved him goodbye and started to walk to the bowling alley. It wasn't a long trip at all, a walking distance. I loved getting some fresh air into my system and feeling the chilly weather on my skin. The bowling alley was soon in front of me and I stepped inside to feel warmth on my body. Laura was already inside, waiting for me, so I walked to her.

"Hello", I said and she turned around.

"Hi", she replied with a smile.

"So, you think you can beat me?" I asked, raising an eyebrow at her. She chuckled.

"Bitch, I know I can", she said.

"Ooh, you're going down", I promised her.

"We'll see about that, Sasha". She winked at me.

Forty minutes later, I had royally gotten my ass beat by Laura, and was more than ready to quit the game.

"Can we stop?" I asked.

"Ooh, now you want to stop, but when you were leading you talked about how you were going to beat me all night long?" she said with a laugh after yet another strike. I whined.

"Come on, you've won already"

"Then say it. Say it and we can stop".

"You're better than me at bowling", I groaned, admitting my defeat. She raised her hands up towards the roof.

"I am Jesus", she stated. I laughed at her and the way people were looking at her around us, like they had been personally offended.

"Shut up while you still can", I whispered and dragged her away.

"You wanna get some drinks?" she asked me, pointing to the bar on the other end.

"Sure", I replied. I paid for our beers even though she resisted and we proceeded to talk about everything between heaven and earth, and even broke those limits when we begun to talk about the universe and such, just everything that came to mind like when we always used to. We shared stupid inside jokes from years ago and everyone looked at us like we were idiots when we laughed at them. But I didn't care, it was golden to me. About two hours had passed when she got a phone call.

"Yup?" she answered, trying to not laugh while I made my best effort to say something that would make her burst into laughter.

"Oh, really?" she said, a puzzled look on her face.

"Okay, I'll be there in an hour", she sighed.

"Yeah, bye", she finished before hanging up and placing her phone back into her purse.

"I gotta get going, someone got sick at the club and they need a replacement as soon as possible", she explained.

"That sucks", I said.

"It does, but it's money, so you know"

"Yeah. I had fun though".

"Me too", she said with a smile. We left the building and she said she'd call me when she had the time. We hugged before going our separate ways. Snow was falling down from the sky, covering the ground. I was happy, everything was going good for once. Now all I had to do was to hold on to the happiness. I walked quickly, the cold was a little too much for my liking. Once I was in the apartment I looked around for Jon, which didn't take long as he was watching TV on the living room couch with a beer in hand. I sat down next to him.

"Hey", I said.

"Hey. Did you have fun?" he asked, smiling at me. I leaned against him.

"Yes", I replied, turning my attention to the TV. I noticed him looking at me and I could tell he wanted to say something.

"What?" I asked him as he bit his fingernails.

"I was just wondering, who were you out with?"

"A friend", I replied.

"What's her name?"

I was silent for a moment, and his eyes were locked on me. I didn't have much time to think and didn't see a reason to lie.

"Laura", I muttered, looking away from him. He sighed.

"So you two are best friends again?" he asked, some frustration in his voice.

"Not exactly. We are trying to fix things".

"Yeah, well don't get hurt this time"

"I'll try not to".

"I'm just looking out for you. And us.", he said.

"I know. Now can we please not talk about it?"

"Okay", he sighed and we both looked at the TV, focusing on something else. I wasn't naive, I knew that things could always go bad, but I was willing to try it to see if maybe, just maybe, this time the end result would be good instead. I hoped it would.


	21. Suspicion

**No love for the last chapter? Well, shit, let's hope this one does better.**

* * *

A month had passed, a month of happiness. It was January now, I had gotten my New Year's kiss, built up broken bridges, enjoyed my life and been happy. Everything was finally going like it should have; nothing was going wrong. But I, the pessimist I was, felt that something was about to go wrong. I could feel it in my bones, I just knew things would take a turn for the worse. I was walking around in a liquor store, picking up stuff for the house party we would have that night. Our apartment had become a place for weekly partying, everyone knew where it was at. I didn't necessarily have a problem with it, but I was in a negative mood that day.

"How many should we get?" Jon asked me, holding two bottles of booze in his hands.

"I don't know, it's up to you", I mumbled, tracing the etiquette of a bottle with my finger. He raised a brow at me.

"I think we should get ten", he said.

"Yeah, whatever", I replied, not really listening to what he was saying.

"So you're cool with ten?"

"I told you, whatever", I answered passively. I shouldn't have been the way I was, I felt like I didn't have the right to be in a bad mood when everything was going so well. We bought whatever it is that he had ended up choosing and entered his car shortly after.

"What's wrong?" Jon asked before starting to drive.

"Nothing", I replied, as I didn't know what was wrong.

"There must be something going on, you're acting like shit today", he groaned. I looked at him and then turned my eyes to the window next to me.

"Sorry", I sighed. He groaned even louder.

"Just tell me what's going on"

"I don't know what's going on, I'm just not in a good mood right now"

"Do you want to cancel the party?"

"Nah", I mumbled.

His jaw clenched and he squeezed hard on the steering wheel as he started to drive. I was trying to collect my thoughts. I tried to get to a happy place mentally, but it ceased to exist. I didn't talk to Jon until hours had passed, he seemed to be pissed off that I wasn't being my normal self. I had been lying on the couch like I was lifeless. He walked to me and raised my upper body to sit down. He then placed me back down, my head resting on his lap.

"How are you feeling?" he asked with concern in his voice.

"Empty", I replied after thinking about an answer for a while.

"Do you know why?"

"I guess it's just one of those days. I feel like something bad is going to happen"

"Darling, you never told me you were a psychic", he said. "Look, you just feel like shit today, but tomorrow is a new day, and I suggest you spend the rest of today drunk", he said.

"Good advise, doctor", I replied with a smile.

"Doctor? We should role play that sometime"

I huffed and got up.

"I'm probably just tired", I said. He nodded. The doorbell rang and Jon let in the first group of people while I turned on the music. I didn't feel like drinking at all, but I forced myself to do so. Before I knew it, I had a goal of getting absolutely shitwasted. The doorbell rang several times and Jon answered each one because my focus was on the bottle. I noticed Laura walking towards me, she had become a regular and everyone seemed to like her. She sat down next to me.

"You are pissed", she laughed. I looked at her.

"Yup, why aren't you?"

"Because I've been here for ten seconds, but don't worry, I'll catch up", she said and grabbed the bottle. She proceeded to drink straight from it, without mixing it in anything. I cringed at her but when she placed the bottle back down on the table and wiped her mouth, I shrugged and grabbed the bottle, drinking straight from it myself. I coughed as Laura took the bottle away from me. She wrapped an arm around me and we shared the bottle, taking turns with it.

"So, how would you grade him?" Laura asked me, pointing across the room at some guy. I looked at him and laughed.

"He's like a negative ten", I replied, laughing at my own comment. Laura laughed too, her laugh was always a loud one. People turned to look at us, including the guy we were judging. I bent forward and pulled Laura down with me.

"Shh, they'll catch us being bitches", I whispered. She was still laughing and almost fell down to the floor. I pulled her back up next to me.

"Alright, my turn. What would you give... that guy next to the speakers?" I asked. She looked over and let out a low whistle.

"I'm thinking eight", she responded, nodding. I looked at the guy turning around so that we could see his full face.

"Meh, more like a six".

"Okay, well now that he turned around I agree with you. He looked cuter from the side", she said. I agreed with her and slowly got up from the couch.

"Smoke?" I asked. She got up too and pointed at the guy that was sitting on the other couch.

"You, what's your name?"

"Mike"

"Right, Mike, I'm going to give you a job. Make sure nobody sits on our spots, okay?" Laura ordered, I tried to hold back giggles. The guy nodded slowly and I saw him roll his eyes at us. But did I care? Nope.

We were smoking in the balcony, all by ourselves. The fresh air felt amazing and even with the coldness outside, we were warm because of the drunken state we were in.

"Remember the time when- when Ally got arrested in the ninth grade?" she giggled. It took me a moment to remember who Ally was.

"Ooh, yeah! That was so golden", I laughed. "The cops told her to pour everything out of her bottle and she poured it in her mouth and swallowed it!"

"Yeeess", Laura giggled. The door opened up and in walked a tall guy, who I knew worked in CZW. I looked on as he put something white on the table and made a line out of it.

"What- what's that?" I asked.

"Coke". His voice rumbled. Laura looked at me and then at the substance on the table, a worried look on her face. She got up and walked damn close to the guy, getting all up in his personal space.

"Take that shit away. This isn't that kind of a party", she said firmly. The guy looked at us and walked away, leaving the line on the table.

"What a fucking idiot, nobody is taking cocaine in this party, it is dangerous and stupid", she said.

"So you wanna do it?"

"Totally", she responded.

There wasn't much there, just enough for the both of us to get a buzz from. She took out a bill and used it to snort half of it. I took the bill from her and snorted the rest, wiping off the remaining whiteness on the table with the sleeve of my shirt. It wasn't something I normally did, but hey, you gotta try everything at least once. Or twice.

I leaned back on the chair and smoked the rest of my cigarette before getting back inside with Laura. I noticed the guy walking to the balcony after we left, looking around and then walking to Jon. I slumped down on the couch.

"Thanks for saving our seats, Dave", Laura said.

"It's Mike"

"Sure", she answered, picking up the bottle again. She took a swig and handed it over to me. I felt the liquid burn by throat as it made it's way down. I placed the bottle on the table again.

"Let's play something", Laura suggested.

"Like what?"

"Truth or dare!" she exclaimed, clapping her hands together.

"You're amazing when you're drunk", I slurred.

"You too, honey".

"Alright, who goes first?" I asked.

"Me. Okay, truth or dare?"

"Dare"

"Go up to Jon and tell him you're pregnant", she said, without even thinking about it. My eyes shot open as a laugh escaped my mouth.

"Oh shit. Alright, let's do this", I said, rubbing my hands together before getting up and walking to the kitchen where Jon was standing with some of his friends.

"Babe?" I started. He seemed to be amused by me.

"Yes?" he asked, pulling me to his side.

"I'm pregnant".

"No you're not", he said, smiling at me.

"I am though", I tried.

"Don't lie to me, sweetheart. Now, why exactly are you saying that?" he asked. I crossed my arms in front of my chest.

"We're doing truth or dare, but clearly it's not working too well", I responded and walked off. By the time I got to the couch, Laura had passed out. I laughed before telling Dave, I mean Mike, to help me getting her to the bedroom. We placed her on the bed and left the room. I slumped back down on the couch and felt utterly out of that world. No more drinking for me, and absolutely no more drugs either. I was feeling good however, and the music surrounding me made me feel alive. Jon sat down next to me soon.

"Where's Laura?" he asked.

"She passed out, she's in the bedroom", I explained.

"Alright. So, you did cocaine?"

Oh fuck.

"I mean, well, I didn't 'do' cocaine, at any point, since I am- I am not capable of producing it-"

"So you snorted cocaine?"

"Yes, yes I did", I replied. He pulled me to him.

"I don't like that. You shouldn't touch drugs after what happened", he stated. I pouted at him.

"It only happened today, alright? It's not going to become a habit".

"Good", he said. I got onto his lap and looked at him for a moment.

"What?" he asked, again that amused look on his face.

"Nothing's going wrong", I replied.

"I told you so", he said before placing his hand on the back of my head and moving my head closer to him. He kissed me roughly and I pulled back out of sheer embarrassment of people seeing that.

"What did you do that for?"

"I don't want people to see", I whined. He smirked and placed his beer on the table before his arms made their way around me, locking me in place.

"Oh you don't?"

"No, I don't", I shook my head.

He pouted at me before laying down on the couch, pulling me on top of him with one swift movement. His arms never left my body and he was still holding me firmly in place. I was literally laying on top of him.

"This is weird", I muttered. He chuckled at me, his hand moving up and down my back.

"I don't care", he said. I shrugged and settled with what I had. His chest did feel amazing even if there was fabric to cover it.

"Who's the girl in the bedroom?", sounded a voice behind me. Jon sat up and pulled me up to sit on his lap.

"That's Laura", he answered. I looked to my side and saw Sami slumping down on the couch.

"Yeah, I thought so", he replied, biting his fingernails.

"Jon, I don't have to be sitting on top of you don't you think?" I whispered. He didn't answer, so I turned to Sami.

"Why were you in my bedroom?" I asked him. He seemed lost now.

"I-uhh, nothing", he stuttered.

"No, tell me what you were doing in my bedroom", I said more firmly this time.

"Well, fuck, I saw you take a chick there and wanted to see who it was", he explained.

I didn't bother taking the argument any further, but I was sure he wasn't telling everything. Jon didn't seem to give a fuck either, he was moving me to grind against his boner.

Time had passed and people started to leave. I was about to go to the bedroom to wake up Laura, but saw some poor girl throwing up in the kitchen sink. I gagged at the sight but knew I had to help her.

"Jon can you go wake Laura up?" I asked over my shoulder as I walked to the girl. He nodded and disappeared from my sight. I was holding onto the girl's hair as she emptied her stomach. I helped her pull herself together and even walked her out of the apartment to a cab outside. I walked back inside and decided to check on Laura. I opened the door.

"Hey, how are things goin-"

I came to a halt as I watched my best friend straddling my boyfriend, kissing him deeply. They broke apart instantly and Jon looked at me with anger in his eyes, Laura's were filled with fear.

"You two fucking..." I couldn't even finish my sentence as I stormed out of the room, slamming the door shut behind me. I could already hear their footsteps behind me.


	22. Dealing With Karma

I was pacing around, my brain in a lock filled with aggression and bitterness. I heard the door open and being slammed shut before there were loud footsteps behind me. I turned around, shaking from the anger, when I felt someone touch me. It was Jon and he looked really fucking angry.

"Sasha, I didn't-"

"Don't even fucking start you fucking idiot, what the fuck I mean I fucking trusted you again, and you fucking-"

"I didn't-"

"Don't fucking interrupt me!", I shouted as I punched him in the chest as hard as I could. I could tell he was hurt.

"Fuck", he muttered at the impact before taking a step back.

"Sasha fucking look at me", he begged.

"I don't want to see you and your cheating ass ever again, get the fuck out of here!" I screamed.

"It was all her, I promise!"

"Fine, you know what, I'll get out", I yelled as I started to walk away.

"Sasha!" I heard Laura shout. I turned around to see her.

"It's true, Jon didn't do anything. He came to check on me and I, I just jumped him and kissed him", she explained stuttering.

"Fucking whore!" I yelled as I rushed to her and shoved her as hard as my shaking form would let me.

"Sasha, don't take it out on Jon, he's a sweet guy, he's perfect-"

"Don't talk to me about my fucking boyfriend you fucking slut!" I yelled again.

"Tell me, right now, tell me exactly what happened", I demanded.

"He came to see if I was alright, I jumped on top of him and kissed him", she repeated. I huffed and walked back to Jon.

"Look me in the fucking eyes and tell me you didn't want it to happen and that you had nothing to do with it", I said through gritted teeth. He placed his hand on each of my shoulders and looked deep into my eyes.

"Sasha, it was all her, I swear on my fucking life", he said, and looked sad now. He looked fucking broken, like he was tormented. I sighed.

"So you both agree that it was Laura?" I asked, turning back to face my "best friend".

"Yes", they both agreed.

"Then it's settled", I said and walked up to Laura again.

"I'm sorry", she whined.

"You will be", I said and punched her straight in the face, her body fell to the floor from the impact. I got on top of her.

"So this is what you did, huh!? Got on top of him like this!?" I yelled as I punched her again, before Jon pulled me up with all his force and carried me away.

"Laura you need to fucking leave", he demanded. She got up and I could see a trail of blood flowing down from her lip. She didn't say a word as she rushed out of the apartment. I was left one on one with Jon and no matter how out of breath I was, I wasn't finished.

"I fucking hate you!" I yelled and hit him in his chest.

"I didn't do anything!" he protested.

I shoved him away and walked to the front door, ready to get the fuck out. He blocked it.

"Don't leave, let's talk", he recommended.

"Remember when it was me begging you to stay, huh? And you punched me in the face?" I asked him coldly.

"You hit me too, now we're even".

"Oh fuck off".

He wouldn't let me out, he didn't care about the fact that I _needed_ to get out to pull myself together and think about everything. I thought of my next move for a moment before I pulled out my phone and called Danny.

"Hey, can you can pick me up? Yeah, as soon as possible. Okay, thanks". I put the phone back to my pocket.

"See? He's coming. So you need to move the fuck out of my way Jon".

He sighed before stepping forward, away from the door. I walked past him and took a final look at him. He grabbed me and kissed me hard, but all I could taste was my best friend's and maybe my boyfriend's betrayal. I pulled away with force.

"I love you Sasha. I would never cheat on you", he promised me, his words coming out sad and broken. I looked up and down at him, wanting to say something. But there were no appropriate words to be said. I walked out and shut the door behind me before walking out to the coldness that was waiting outside. I took a deep breath of fresh air, but my lungs didn't seem to be working. I had a hard time breathing and felt like I was going to choke. Danny's car pulled up to the side of the road and I stepped inside to the passenger's seat as fast as I could. I sat down and started to cry instantly.

"I'm so stupid", I whined while tears openly fell down from my eyes.

"What's going on?" he asked, studying me to see if there was an answer to be seen.

I couldn't reply to him, and he let me take my time crying. He shifted closer to me and I cried against his shoulder. He waited patiently as I tried to make up a sentence to say.

"Danny I-I", I started, but didn't find a way to end the sentence. It was frustrating how someone as emotionless as me was suddenly freakishly sensitive, it had been that way ever since I started to see Jon. He had brought out something in me.

"Don't rush it, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere", Danny assured me. I looked up at him and straightened up on the seat.

"Can I smoke in the car?" I asked, stuttering. He nodded, placed a cigarette in his mouth and lit it before handing it over. My hands were shaking like hell, so he placed it straight in my mouth before lighting a cigarette himself.

"So, the party ended", I started.

"Yeah?"

"And I walked into the bedroom, and uh, Laura was on top of Jon kissing him", I explained. His jaw clenched at my words and he hit the steering wheel.

"Fucking bastards", he hissed, looking genuinely offended himself.

"I wish you would have been there", I said.

"I'm sorry, I just had a really bad hangover".

"No it's okay, you couldn't have known. And I was stupid enough to be surprised by it myself".

"No, you're not stupid. But Laura is. And so is Jon. I don't know how they don't see how fucking amazing you are", he said. I smiled at him and threw the rest of my cigarette out of the window.

"I don't know man, they both said that Jon didn't do anything, that Laura jumped him", I said.

He took a deep breath and thought about it for a moment.

"I'll be the judge of that", he muttered and opened the door on his side. I got out too and trailed behind him. He rushed to the front door and I tried to open the door for him but my hand was too shaky.

"I can't", I stuttered and he gently took the key from my hand into his, opening the door.

"I can't come in", I said and he nodded, understanding that it wouldn't have been good for me to see them talking in such a fragile state of mind.

I went back outside and to the car. It was warm at least, unlike outside, and it was peaceful, unlike in the apartment. I didn't know what to think, and I was sick of feeling confused. I wasn't stupid, I was smart, I was fucking intelligent. Yet somehow I now found myself confused way too often, which wasn't something I was used to. I banged my head against dashboard a few times, muttering the word 'stupid' over and over. I don't know how long I was there, but I jumped when the door opened next to me. Danny sat down.

"He's telling the truth", he said. I looked up at him and squinted.

"How do you know?"

"Just go up there, he'll show you", he explained before patting me on my back a few times.

"And I'm sorry about the way things went down with Laura. We'll get revenge, trust me", he promised me. For once I had nothing against revenge, I didn't care if it was immature.

"Great", I said and hugged Danny before getting out of the car. I went back to the apartment and entered, Jon standing right there.

"Hey", I whispered.

"Hey", he said with a smile. He took my hand and walked me to the bedroom. I sat down on the bed as he had instructed me to do and he picked up a camera from the nightstand.

"This", he said pointing at the object, "Is my evidence".

He sat down next to me and hit play. I watched as everything unraveled, Laura jumped Jon and kissed him even though he resisted. It ended with Jon getting up from the bed after I had caught them and looking in the camera for a moment before stopping the recording.

"Believe me now?" he asked. I nodded, rubbing the back of my neck.

"Why was it recording?" I asked. He had a mischievous smile.

"I uhh, taped last night's sex. Sorry, I couldn't tell you, you would have said no. But I forgot to stop the recording so it captured everything from tonight too", he explained. I fell back down on the bed.

"Fuck me", I muttered.

"If you like", he said as he got on top of me.

"Not like that", I protested and pushed him off. He agreed and got down next to me.

"You should get some sleep", he suggested. I was already nearing a blackout and fell asleep immediately.

* * *

I woke up to my phone making an annoying noise. I got three messages in a row, and was ready to throw the thing to the wall before I noticed it was Laura who had sent the messages. I wondered whether or not I should even see what she had to say, but eventually my curiosity got the best of me.

_"Sasha, I'm sorry. But you know what? Jon wanted it too. I saw the way he looked at me, and he didn't even resist it. Actually, he pulled me on top of him. Sorry, I can't lie to you anymore. He pulled me on top of him"._

Well, I knew that was a lie since I had seen everything with my own eyes. I shook my head and went to the next one.

_"You don't appreciate him enough, he deserves someone who is ready at all times for him, who respects him and who worships him!"_

_"If I can't have him then neither should you"_

I deleted the messages and sent her one.

_"I saw what happened, you're lying"._

After the message was sent, I blocked her number and was finally a hundred percent done with that chapter of my life. Sometimes it was good to relive old memories and feel the happiness you used to feel, but it's all an act. And it all comes crashing down sooner or later.

"So what? You don't worship me?" I heard Jon rumble behind me. I lay on my back and looked at him.

"I do", I smiled. I could see him blush and giggled at the sight. "But only if you worship me too".

"Of course I do, Sasha, you're my everything", he stated before kissing me softly.

I got up from the bed shortly after and spent the entire day cuddling with Jon and watching TV. It was like a dream, from which I was waken up when my phone rang and I picked it up.

"Sasha, come outside. You'll love this shit", I heard Danny say, sounding giddy as hell.

"What?" I asked, amused by him.

"Just come outside. Bring Jon too!" he ordered. I looked at Jon who seemed interested.

"Okay, we're on our way", I said before hanging up.

"Come on", I said to Jon who stood up after me. We got out as fast as we could and I lead him outside to the snowy scenery. We got in the car that was waiting for us and I sat down on the backseat with him.

"What's happening?" I asked.

"Shit is going down big time", Devon commented from the passenger's seat. Danny nodded eagerly from the drivers side.

"It's a secret for now, but you two will fucking love it", Danny continued. I shared a look with Jon and he wiggled his eyebrows before placing his hand on top of mine. I looked at how his much larger hand covered mine and looked at him.

"Let's do this shit gentlemen!" he exclaimed with a grin on his face. We begun to drive.

"Oh no way", I laughed from the passenger's seat as I watched us pull over to the side of a road.

"Where are we?" Jon asked confused.

"This, ladies and gentlemen, is Laura's house", Devon said, rubbing his hands together in excitement.

"And these, ladies and gentlemen, are eggs", Danny continued, turning to us and showing the eggs in his hands.

"And these, ladies and gentlemen, are rolls of toilet paper", Devon continued, holding up his hands.

"Are you high?" I asked him. He looked back at me.

"Yes, yes I am", he admitted and I laughed uncontrollably.

"We are not going to do this. This isn't happening", I told mainly myself.

"Oh yes, this is in fact reality, not that Devon can be quite sure of it, fucking pothead", Danny stated. "And we are going to fuck up Laura's house old school style".

We got out of the car, Jon carrying the eggs while the guys carried the rolls of toilet paper. I was surprised to see Laura was living in a house and not in an apartment. Jon handed me an egg and took a bow.

"Ladies first", he said with a smirk. I looked at the egg in my hand and at the house, not completely sure if I was ready to stoop this low. But then I thought, fuck it, and threw an egg at the house. It was late and there were no lights on in the house, they were probably asleep. They'd be in for a real surprise in the morning, I thought.

"That's for kissing my boyfriend, bitch", I yelled. Danny and Devon were busy throwing toilet paper on the trees on the yard, not forgetting to cover the porch as well. I was laughing my ass off as Jon threw multiple eggs at the house before handing me one.

"Yeeeah, Karma's a bitch", Devon shouted as he ran around throwing eggs and toilet paper at the walls of the house.

I took it and walked closer to the house, aiming for a window. I threw it with all my force and to my surprise, the window broke.

"Oh shit", I muttered. Everyone was looking at the shattered window. And then begun the run back to the car, we saw lights being lit in the house and got to the car as fast as we could. Danny jumped on Devon's back.

"Hurry up bitch, we are on a ruuuun!", he yelled as Devon ran with Danny on his back. I literally jumped inside the car through the open window and yelled at Devon to drive, which he did. I closed the door as we were already driving and looked out of the back window one more time to see the front door of the house just being opened. Thank god it was dark, they couldn't see us.

"How can a window be that fragile?" I laughed.

"I don't have a clue", Jon chuckled next to me.

We laughed at the thing the entire ride back to the apartment. It was supposed to be a small and rather harmless type of payback, but ended up with a broken window. But hey, that's what you get for trying to accomplish a broken relationship.


	23. The Wounded

We were still laughing as we entered the apartment, the mood was great. We kept talking about what had happened, which made us laugh even more. I truly had amazing people surrounding me, and I appreciated each one of them.

"Are you happy now?" Jon asked. I smiled and looked at him, thinking about the question for a moment.

"Yeah, I am", I replied. "Are you?"

"Of course".

"Good", I said and walked to the kitchen to pour myself a glass of wine. "So what do you want to do now?"

Jon walked to the kitchen, following me. He placed his hand on my wrist and took the glass from me, placing it on the counter.

"You", he smirked and cornered me. I was stuck between him and the fridge, one of his hands on either side of me too.

"I should have seen that coming", I commented. He stuck his tongue out and slid it up my throat to my lips, pushing it inside of my mouth. I placed my hand on his cheek, I wanted to feel him. His mouth felt hot against mine and his hand made it's way to the small of my back, pushing me even closer there. He pulled back from the kiss and I looked at him for a moment, before slipping away from him underneath his arm. I got away from him and winked as he looked at me.

"You know I'll catch you", he warned me. "And then there will be consequences".

I didn't say anything to him but walked backwards, keeping my eyes on him while making my way to the living room. He tried to walk to me, but knocked over the wine glass and it shattered.

"Oh shit", he muttered, looking at the floor. I used the opportunity to hide from him and went to the closet, hiding behind two shelves. I could hear footsteps and held my breath as I heard him standing somewhere close. I heard the bedroom door open. Shortly after the closet door was roughly pulled open and I didn't move an inch, I was staying as still as I could. I was happy to see the light being turned off again and I heard the door being closed. Satisfied with myself, I got out of my hiding place and dust myself off, when suddenly I felt someone hoist me up and carry me out.

"That was not cool", I protested, looking at Jon who was still holding me in his arms.

"And this, this isn't cool either", I said referring to the fact that he was holding me when I was perfectly okay on my own two feet.

"I don't care", he said. "I'd say I'm sorry but, uhh, I'm not".

He walked to the bedroom and finally let me down. I stood on the floor and he sat on the bed in front of me. He placed his hands on my thighs and looked into my eyes.

"Strip", he ordered. I stood still for a moment before taking a step back and grabbing my shirt, I lifted it up slowly, exposing my skin to him. His fingers trailed up my ribs before they left my body. I threw the shirt away and unbuttoned my skinny jeans. I unzipped them and started to slide them down.

"Turn around", he commanded. I did what he wanted and proceeded to slide the jeans down, bending over too. He gave my ass a firm smack, his hand covered my entire right buttock. I didn't react to the smack and stepped out of the jeans before I turned around again and kicked them further away from me.

"Underwear too", he said huskily. I looked at him before unclasping my bra and taking it off too. He seemed to like what he was seeing, as his eyes appeared to be locked on me. It was definitely a confidence boost. His eyes trailed down and he hooked his fingers in my panties and lowered them to my knees. He covered my pussy with his hand and rubbed it roughly a few times before sliding a finger inside of me. A faint moan escaped me and an arrogant look appeared on his face. He removed his hand and told me to take the panties off completely, which I did. He then got up and pushed me on the bed. He took off his shirt and I loved the way he looked, he was built like a god in my opinion. Everything about him was beautiful and he knew how I felt about him. He took off his jeans with ease and climbed on top of me. I don't know what it was he was looking for, but he looked at me like he was trying to find something. I raised an eyebrow at him.

"Is there something wrong?" I whispered. He shook his head and smiled.

"No. You're just beautiful", he murmured and I felt myself blush.

"Still as shy as ever", he breathed before straddling me. He had one leg on each of my sides and his hands wondered on my body for a moment. He backed off and parted my legs as wide as they would go before he took off his boxers and got back in position. I could feel him enter me as he pushed in immediately, drawing a gasp from me. He chuckled while thrusting. His finger found my clit and he started to rub small circles on it, stimulating me even more. My hand went to his chest and made it's way to his back, where I could feel a scar. I trailed it down but stopped when Jon's phase got much quicker after time had passed. My hand fell to my side limply and he placed a hand on my throat. He was groaning and stopped rubbing my clit to dig his fingers into my side. He was almost as close to coming as I was, and I felt like all the energy in me was about to snap off. He squeezed my throat hard, harder than he had ever before. Then I came, the sensation of everything was too much to keep in, and I felt him orgasm as well. He panted with his eyes closed and his head up. His hand was still tightly around my throat and I tapped on it a few times. His eyes snapped open and he sharply took his hand away before pulling out.

After we had pulled ourselves together we were laying next to each other in bed, just looking at each other in the eyes, but so far not a word had been said. It ended up being Jon who broke the silence.

"I'm so happy I have you", he said.

"I feel the same way", I whispered. A smile was pulling on his lips as his eyes shut. He fell asleep and after I looked at his sleeping form for a moment, how peaceful he looked, I fell asleep too.

* * *

I was at sitting in a bar with Danny and Devon. I had agreed to help them find girls after they begged me for what had felt like hours, but in reality was probably thirty minutes. They were desperate, they always were.

"Alright, let's see", Danny said, looking around from the booth we were sitting in.

"Not them, not them, maybe them-"

"Can't you do that girl judging thing in your head?" I asked while staring down into my glass.

"I could, but it takes away the fun", he explained and Devon nodded, agreeing with him.

"Them!" Danny exclaimed, then slumped down realizing he had just shouted and pointed at a group of girls. I rolled my eyes.

"Alright, where?" I asked. They pointed me to the direction and I found my way to the target. I tapped on some blonde girl's shoulder and they turned around.

"Hello", I started. "I'm Sasha".

"Hey", they greeted me with smiles, they were somewhat drunk already.

"There are two guys in that booth there who think you girls are gorgeous and would love to talk to two of you, but they are really shy", I explained. I didn't know why so many girls fell for the same old shit, I guessed they were desperate.

"Oh, well, which two?" One of them asked. I quickly looked at the group and picked the two prettiest girls.

"You and you", I said. They smiled while the others looked a little jealous, not that they should have been. The two gladly followed me to the booth and sat down. I looked at Danny and winked at him before doing what a good friend did at that point, I went to the bar. I sat down in front of it and knew full well it would be about an hour before we could leave. Smart money said the girls would be fucked in a bathroom of the pub and then left like nothing, that's just how the guys rolled. And most of the time the girls knew the name of the game, even if they didn't want to admit it. I sighed before ordering a shot. I downed it and played on my phone while drinking a beer I ordered next. After an hour passed, the two guys sat down on each side of me with a satisfied smirk on both of their faces.

"Gross", I stated.

"Thank you for getting us laid", Devon said and placed a hand on my back.

"Ew, don't touch me", I said and shuffled his hand off. He laughed.

"I washed my hands!"

"I didn't", Danny said. Both me and Devon turned to look at him and he avoided eye contact.

"Like I said, gross", I commented. He smirked and we soon left.

"Wanna go to the hill?" Danny asked after we had sat down in the car.

"Too cold, can you guys just take me home?"

"Yeah, sure", Devon said.

I entered the apartment slightly tipsy and made a beeline to the bedroom, where I grabbed the camera. I found the clip of me and Jon having sex and deleted it before walking to the living room. Jon wasn't there so I called him. He didn't pick up for quite some time.

"Hey where are you?" I started.

"I'm at Sami's", he slurred.

"You're drunk", I commented, slightly worried that he would walk home in such a drunk state when it was absolutely freezing outside.

"Yeah, I am, darling"

"I'm going to come there, alright?"

"You don't need to, I can walk home"

"I'm coming though. Okay?"

"Okay", he said, his voice pitched. He then hung up. I rolled my eyes and put my jacket back on. I left the apartment and started to walk to Sami's place in the cold winter night.

There weren't many people on the streets and I felt alone and a little scared. I kept looking over my shoulder too. I wasn't usually scared of the dark, not anymore, but being outside... well, I'd seen enough horror movies to know this type of scene was a way they usually started. I picked up the speed of my walking as I made my way to Sami's, and thankfully I soon heard a familiar raspy sound mixed with other one's around the corner. I turned and saw Sami's door open and Jon standing in the doorway.

"I'm here", I said to Jon.

"Hello"

"Let's get you home alright?"

"I'm not that drunk, Sasha. I told you", he explained. I studied him for a moment and he didn't appear to be that intoxicated after all.

"Shit, I thought you were wasted", I muttered. He looked at me and smirked.

"I was, but I drank coffee", he said. I nodded and we begun to walk back to the apartment.

We walked with only the sound of shoes connecting with snow around us, and I wasn't scared now. I always felt safe with Jon. I felt something hit me and turned around to see Jon with a devious expression on his face.

"Did you just throw a snowball-"

And another one made contact with me. I looked at him and took a deep breath before quickly making a snowball of my own and hitting Jon with it. He tried to dodge but couldn't and I was celebrating until I saw him aiming at me with a new one.

"Noo, come on", I begged. He winked before throwing it at me, but I managed to get out of the way. I was jumping around, trying to avoid getting hit while constructing snowballs and throwing them at him. I threw my last one at him before I felt something cold on my throat.

"J-Jon", I stuttered as he was building a snowball. He looked up and a concerned look appeared on his face.

"Give me your money and this won't get ugly", sounded a voice in my ear. It was a shaky one. I looked at Jon who was getting his wallet out.

"I don't want any trouble, alright? So let her go", he said calmly, taking a few steps towards me. I felt the cold blade press against my skin and didn't dare swallow.

"Give it", the guy behind me hissed. I was shaking as Jon reached out his hand and the guy took the money from Jon's wallet before throwing the wallet back to Jon.

"Bitch, do you have money?" the man asked.

"I'm not sure, you can check my wallet", I said, my voice cracking.

"You! You check her pockets".

Jon made his way to me and searched my jacket, but didn't find anything.

"She's clean", he said. He looked angry and concerned and I was in a shock.

"Nothing?" the guy asked, he didn't seem to be buying it.

"Nothing", Jon repeated. The guy groaned and pressed the blade harder against my throat, making me whine.

"Are you absolutely sure?" he asked. Jon looked at him in the eyes and raised his hands.

"I am sure. She doesn't have anything", he assured him. The guy moved the blade away from my throat an I let out a breath I had been holding in for way too long. I almost collapsed to the ground but was shocked by a sharp pain in my stomach. I felt the blade leave my insides and the guy ran off, Jon instantly came to me and I fell to the ground. I looked down and opened the zipper on my jacket and saw my sweaters fabric tainted with blood. I gasped and looked at Jon, who was stunned.

"Call an ambulance", I whimpered and he did, his voice was shaky throughout the call and he seemed to be panicking. Once the phone call ended he held me in his arms and added pressure to the wound.

"You'll be alright, darling", he repeated. "You'll be just fine, I promise".

"I love you so much", I whimpered, tears running down my face. The pain was stinging and burning and felt awful and I was starting to feel weak. My eyes fluttered close.

"Stay with me", Jon sobbed. But I couldn't. Everything went to dark.


	24. Repercussions

**Guys! Over 10,000 views on my first fanfic ever? What the hell? I love you, thank you all so much! Here's another chapter, just because I'm happy as hell.**

* * *

I had been in the hospital for two days. I was in a hospital bed, again. I was angry at life, again. I wanted to go home, again. I turned to Jon sitting next to me.

"Hey, are you okay?" he asked as I sat up. I had been sleeping, there wasn't much else to do. A nurse came in.

"Yeah, I'm fine", I told Jon before turning my attention to the nurse. "Can I go home?"

"Well, that depends on the doctor", he said. I felt my jaw clench. I hated hospitals, and I knew I was in a stable condition and ready to leave. A doctor walked in soon with paperwork, surely I'd get to go home. The doctor asked the nurse to leave and then looked at Jon for a moment.

"Are you two married?" she asked after a while. I shook my head a no and she gave me a smile.

"I have some news, and I think I should tell you them first. Then you can tell him if you want to", she continued. I looked at her slightly confused and then turned to Jon.

"I'll go", he said and stood up. "But I'll come back as soon as you want".

I nodded at him and the doctor took a seat next to me.

"Everything seems to be just fine, Sasha. You should now go to the police to tell them a more detailed version of the incident, hopefully they will find who did this to you", she said as she went through the papers.

"So I can leave?" I asked with hope.

"Well, yes, if you have someone to take care of you. No physical activities for at least a week, though. And even after that you'll need to take it easy"

"Okay, yeah, I can do that", I agreed.

"The surgery was a success, but there was a complication. Your uterus had suffered too much damage, and", she took a deep breath, "we had to remove it".

I looked at her with a blank expression.

"W-what? I can't have children?" I asked. She looked at me with sympathy.

"I'm afraid not the normal way, but there are options such as adoption", she explained.

"But I can never carry a child?"

"I'm sorry, you can't".

I sat still for a moment, suddenly feeling sick.

"Can I go now?" I asked after some time.

"Yes", she said and handed me a paper to sign. I did and dressed up to leave, which hurt because of the scar on my stomach. I looked down at it and placed a hand on it, knowing that I now was unable to have a child. I hadn't wanted a child, but that didn't mean I would have never wanted one. And to just be told I can't have one because of some guy who had no right having impact on my life.. It hurt like a ton of bricks. I got out of the room and almost bumped into Jon trying to walk down the hallway.

"Hey", he said when he saw my devastated expression. "What's going on, what did she say?"

"Nothing, everything is fine", I waved it off and started to walk out of the hospital. He walked behind me, trying to keep up. I got to the car but the pain grew too strong and I had to lean against it to not fall down. I breathed loudly and could hear a drumming sound in my head, it hurt like hell.

"Are you okay?" Jon asked and placed his hand on my back. I shook him off roughly and walked to the other side of the vehicle and got in. I sat down and could feel the pressure in my head easing to my delight. I looked outside, my mind was blank. Jon got in the car and pulled out of the parking lot. He attempted to talk to me a lot, but I never replied. How was I supposed to form words when my brain wasn't functioning? Once we were in front of the building I got out of the car and made a beeline to get inside, not bothering to make sure Jon was behind me. I left the apartment door open and heard it shut by the time I was at the bathroom door. I went inside and knelt in front of the toilet just in time before I threw up. Jon ran to me and sat down next to me, clearly worried.

"Are you sure you should be home already? Maybe you should have stayed in the hospital", he commented. Once I was done throwing up I got up and flushed the toilet before walking to the balcony, where I sat down on a chair and took in as much fresh oxygen as I could.

My breathing was sharp and broken, and I could feel myself starting to sob. But that wasn't okay, I was done with crying. I was done with negative emotions and most importantly I was done with my bad luck, which had now cost me something very important; the ability to have a child. I lifted my shirt up and looked at the scar.

"I hate you", I screamed at the scar and pounded the floor with my feet, as if that was going to help. I was so angry that without having any control over it I had been stabbed. Jon walked to the balcony as well and I didn't want to see his face at that time.

"You need to talk to me", he said and lit a cigarette. I looked at him and stood up. I was about to say something, anything. Just words to express my emotions, but there were so many overwhelming things swirling through my mind I couldn't say a damn thing. I just stood there with my mouth half open. I then sat back down and reached out my hand.

"Give me a smoke", I stated. It wasn't a question, but an order. Jon did give me one, and I lit it.

"Ever since we started this relationship, I've had bad luck. Everything has gone to shit. Everyone has turned their backs on me. And my health is now the next thing crumbling down, Jon. You are poison to me", I said calmly, looking forward.

"What are you saying?" he asked. My eyes snapped to his.

"I can't risk another thing going wrong, Jon", I explained and he looked like he knew where this was going, not the he could have ever believed it. I took a few more drags of the cigarette before stubbing it and getting up.

"I love you, I love you so much, more than anything. But I'm breaking up with you, I have to", I said. He looked at me and I put my hand on his chest. I placed a kiss on his lips before getting out of the balcony. I could see him standing shocked even when I left the apartment.

"Danny, can I spend the night at your place?" I talked to my phone. He agreed, which he always did. I thanked him and took a cab to his place.

The entire cab ride was hell, I was left alone with my thoughts and they were like dynamite waiting to explode. The car finally stopped and I got out and went to the apartment door, which was already open. I shut it after I got in.

"I haven't heard from you in days, what's happened?" Danny asked as soon as I had managed to sit down on the couch.

"I got stabbed", I stated. He looked absolutely shocked and worried and everything else I needed him not to be.

"What the fuck? How?" he asked.

"Let's, uhh, let's not talk about it now, alright? I just, I need you to get my mind off of it. Please", I said. He nodded understandingly.

"Okay, whatever you say. You can stay here as long as you like", he said and I smiled at him.

"I may be here for a long time if that's the case"

"Hey, I don't have a problem with that. I like hanging out with you", he responded. "You wanna get food?"

"Well now that you mention it I am really hungry".

"Okay, let's go eat something"

Soon we were sitting in a diner with sandwiches and coffees, I was devouring mine.

"Shit, you really are hungry"

"Fuck yes I'm hungry, I was in a hospital for two days", I explained with a mouth full of food, which was admittedly disgusting. And yet again, I could only think about the fact that I would never be a mother.

"You had never been in a hospital before dating Jon, right? And after you started seeing him you've been there twice", he stated. I nodded at him and thought about Jon, and how he was doing. I knew that he deserved to know what was going on, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him. I needed time, time for myself and nobody else. I had to put myself first, even if it wasn't something I would usually do. I finished my sandwich and drank the rest of my coffee.

"I should probably rest", I breathed after Danny was done with his dinner.

"Yeah, you should", he agreed and we walked back to his place. I lay down on his couch and closed my eyes.

"Go sleep in the bed, you deserve it", he said. I opened one eye at him and sighed.

"I can't just come to your place and invade your personal space", I protested. "You sleep on the bed".

"Is that right?"

"Yup".

"Then we'll both sleep in the bed", he sighed and pulled me up gently, careful not to cause any additional pain.

"You sure? I can really hog all the space you know", I warned him.

"I think I'll manage", he laughed and walked to the bedroom behind me. I got under the covers and he did the same.

"It's funny how I can sleep next to you and you're a guy", I commented.

"I'm not going to do anything if that's what you're implying. You're like a sister to me", he said.

"Yeah, I know. You're like a brother to me too".

"Good. Now sleep, you need rest".

* * *

I was sitting on the leather couch watching TV and eating cereal the next morning. I was wearing Danny's sweatpants and a t-shirt of his as well. It was nice to have someone who didn't mind you being in their apartment and borrowing their stuff one bit.

"What is her problem?" I asked as I watch 'Say Yes To The Dress'. "Just pick a dress Chelsea. They're all ugly anyway".

"Well someone's in a bad mood", Danny laughed next to me.

"I'm not, I'm okay. But who the hell wants either one of those dresses? They are both awful. Just look"

"Yeah, I don't know much about wedding dresses, which might surprise you", he said. I laughed at his comment.

"And here I thought you would know everything about fashion", I said sarcastically.

"I know, I come off as a stylish guy", he said. The doorbell rang and Danny went to open it. I turned to look over my shoulder.

"Hey, Devon!" I greeted him and he waved at me.

"You're here too", he said as they sat down on each side of me. Devon rested his feet on the table in front of us and I finished eating my cereal.

"Yeah, I am. Might be here for quite some time", I muttered. He looked at Danny for answers but he just shrugged.

"Guys, I saw that", I said.

"Well, are you going to tell us what's going on?" Danny asked. I looked him and sighed.

"I broke up with Jon, that's all you need to know"

"Before or after that son of a bitch stabbed you?"

"Jon stabbed her?" Devon shouted.

"No, someone else", Danny explained.

"Wait so someone stabbed her?"

"Yes, there was a robbery", I said. "But I don't want to talk about it, there's nothing really to say, I'm alright, guys".

"Okay, but then you broke up with Jon? Why?"

"Because he brings me bad luck. When I started seeing him, everything slowly started going downhill from there, you know? He treated me like shit, I tried to kill myself, then the Laura thing and then I get stabbed. Those are not just little things either, and I can't afford a single thing going wrong anymore", I explained. The guys nodded and tried to understand me.

"Do you really think it's Jon who brings you bad luck?" Devon asked.

"Well, I guess we'll see", I stated. He hugged me.

"We're always gonna be here for you though".

"I know, thank you", I smiled. I showed them my scar and they looked at it, trying to hide their concern.

"Guys, I'm okay now. It's just a scar", I said and pulled my shirt back down.

"Have you gone to the police yet?" Devon asked.

"Nope, not yet. At the hospital the doctor said I should, though".

"Well of course you should. That bastard needs to be locked the fuck up", Danny said. I nodded.

"Yeah... I don't know why the hell he stabbed me, he got everything we had. Jon did all he could, even gave him all his money... and he still stabbed me", I thought out loud.

"He was probably a junkie, didn't know what was going on".

"Yeah, I think you're right. It's just not fair, you know? Why me?"

"Shitty things happen to good people, Sasha", Devon sighed. I nodded and turned my attention to the TV.

"Let's go to the police station", Danny suggested. "It's better to get that shit over with right away".

"Yeah, alright. But you guys are coming with me, right?"

"Of course. You're not going anywhere alone, and that's a promise", Devon said as he got up. Danny helped me up even though I could have done it myself, he was just so concerned for my well being and it was admittedly nice to know someone cared the way the guys did. I put on my coat and struggled with my shoes, but got them on too. We left the apartment and headed for the police station, where I would have to go through everything again, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do.

Devon held the door of the station open for me and we walked to a police officer sitting in a booth. I didn't really know what to say, but the guys apparently did and they did most of the talking for me. An officer pulled me aside to a room where he asked me a bunch of questions. I had to tell him everything that had happened in detail, and it all came back to me. I didn't cry, however. I stopped myself from doing so.

"Do you think you would recognize the man?" the officer asked.

"I don't think so, I didn't really see him. But Jon, the guy that was with me, he saw him well, up close too", I explained.

"Would he be willing to try to identify him?"

"You would have to ask him that", I sighed. I gave them Jon's number and they told me they would ask him to come to the station to answer some questions as well, and they told me it was likely they would find the guy as there were security cameras on the building near the incident. I shook the officers hand and made my way back to the guys, relieved that it was now done. We walked out and into Devon's car.

"Jesus Christ, I've never been that stressed", Devon said from the drivers seat.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"That many cops surrounding a guy with weed? Not good", he commented and faked getting shivers. A smile was pulling on my lips.

"You are such a weirdo", I commented and he shrugged.

"You don't seem to mind", he replied.

It was true, I didn't mind. I loved the two guys sitting in front of me, my brothers. The people that were always there when I needed them. I was happy that I had reported the incident now, but I knew I would have to tell people about my inability to have a child at some point. And that would be a very bad experience, one that I wasn't looking forward to at all.


	25. Resistance

I walked into a room with dim lighting, dark turquoise walls and a pink spotlight on a stage. It was like stepping into another time, but in reality I had entered a karaoke bar with Danny. He had specifically picked this place, I hadn't even known the bar existed, but I did get a good vibe from it. I sat down on a chair near the stage, I wanted to see people perform. Danny went to get drinks and soon sat on the chair opposite to me. My fingers trailed on the wooden table and I noticed an ashtray.

"A bar where you can smoke", I commented, looking up at Danny.

"Yeah, there aren't enough of those nowadays".

I agreed with him and he moved my drink towards me. It was a vodka coke, he knew that was my thing. I thanked him and took a sip.

"So, this is what we're doing tonight?" I asked as I looked around, the room was filled with people with leather jackets and ripped jeans, flannel shirts and cowboy hats. I personally felt good around those type of people, they were rarely pretentious. I actually fitted in pretty well too, I had luckily chosen to wear a leather jacket myself.

"Yeah, this place is awesome", Danny said and leaned back. The music stopped and I turned to look at the stage, a girl was making her way to the microphone.

"Next up, we have Shelly performing Hotel California", sounded a voice on the side of the stage. The girl, she looked nervous.

"Hotel California... Can't really go wrong with that", Danny shrugged. My eyes were still on the girl as she begun to sing, her voice was quiet at first but she got more confident and ended up rocking it. I applauded her as she left the stage after performing and she gave me a smile. I turned to Danny who looked amused.

"What?" I asked, tracing the glass with my finger before taking a drink from it.

"You seem happy. Without Jon".

"I try. But it's only been a week, and I should probably talk to him soon", I sighed.

"You really should. You two, you are kind of supposed to be together, you know?"

"What do you mean?"

"Come on, Sasha, he told you he loved you and he doesn't do that shit. You love him and you're the most emotionally crippled person I know", he stated. I let out a laugh and stared at my drink.

"Yeah, I guess you're right".

"I always am, sweetheart. So, you wanna sing already?"

"Oh hell no. Danny, no, I don't sing" I protested.

"You do in the shower", he said and grinned as he looked to another direction, avoiding the death glare I was giving him.

"That's different", I objected and pulled a cigarette out of my pack. I placed it behind my ear while looking for my lighter.

"Whatever, you're so going to sing. Let's do a duet", he proposed. I looked at him and leaned closer.

"So you want to sing, huh?"

"I mean, no-"

"You want to sing!" I exclaimed before leaning against my chair again. He pursed his lips.

"I hate you", he muttered. I finally found my lighter and lit the cigarette.

"Just go and sing, dude, you don't need me to be with you", I encouraged him. He glanced at the stage and and then turned his eyes back on me.

"Maybe when I'm a bit more drunk", he stated and downed his beer. I shrugged and took a drag from my cigarette.

"Thanks for letting me stay at your place", I puffed.

"You keep thanking me", he commented. "You don't have to do that, it's really not a big deal".

"I appreciate it though, I just want you to know that".

"I do, and you're welcome to stay".

I smiled and nodded before taking a sip from my drink and a drag from my cigarette. The music surrounding us felt amazing and just the mood in the bar was great. It was so relaxed and free. Sure there were some bad singers on the mic at times, but it was more fun than annoying.

"That's it, I'm going to sing", Danny said after finishing his seventh beer. I gave him an approving look and a thumbs up as he made his way to the stage. He took some time picking a song before he grabbed the mic with a smug look on his face.

"This one's for Sasha", he exclaimed and pointed at me. I hid my face behind my hand for a moment before the music started playing. I laughed my ass off when I realized he was singing Lithium by Nirvana. He really went for it, wrong lyrics and all. I was clapping and laughing and could barely breath when he was done. He sat down on his chair and looked slightly embarrassed.

"That didn't do like I had expected", he pointed out.

"You did great, good song choice too", I told him. He smirked and went to get us new drinks.

"So, I kind of did something bad", he said placing the new drinks on the table before he sat down. I raised my eyebrow at him, he was looking guilty.

"Yeah?" I took as sip, preparing myself.

"I told Jon to come here", he admitted. I put my glass down and looked at him with my mouth open.

"Oh my god, what?"

"He's not coming alone, he's bringing friends with him, so if it's too much for you we can just stay in two separate groups. But you know, I figured if you get a moment you could talk. You need to", he said with a serious look on his face. I breathed out loudly and shook my head.

"Fuck it, we'll see what happens", I said and took a sip. I lit another cigarette as did Danny. Once I was done with it, I noticed I was tipsy and felt like I could actually go up and sing. I don't know how I felt that way, I was shy and got anxiety from anything even remotely close to that, but I guessed that's what alcohol was for. I drank two more vodka cokes and looked at the stage nervously.

"Just go", Danny groaned. He had seen my hopeless glares at the stage.

"I don't know what to sing", I protested.

"I think you do", he countered. Well, yeah, okay, I did have an idea as to what I would sing but I didn't feel quite comfortable.

"Go", Danny laughed and I thought about it for a moment before I got up and started to walk to the stage, and I felt oddly calm, thanks to the alcohol I had drank.

I picked a song and walked to the mic. I placed my fingers around the microphone stand and the mic itself, adjusting it to my level. I cleared my throat and saw the door to the bar open, followed by familiar faces stepping in. Jon was with them, and our eyes locked. I suddenly felt like I was going to throw up, and the guy on the side of the stage was already telling people my name and song choice and shit. It was a flight or fight moment really, and I turned to look at Danny who gave me a reassuring smile. He formed the words 'you can do it'. I refused to let Jon's presence dictate my anxiety. The song begun to play and I started to sing Off To The Races by Lana Del Rey, finding it funny how much it resembled my relationship with Jon. My eyes turned to him at the back of the bar while I kept singing, I felt confident. I had been told I was good at singing, and at least nobody booed me. I saw Jon smile at me and I finished the song. I actually shivered walking down the stairs and back to the table, even though there was clapping in the background.

"That was awful", I stated.

"You did great!" Danny commented. I looked at him and downed my drink.

"Get me another one?" I asked. He looked at his empty bottle and got us new ones. I resisted the urge to down the drink and lit yet another cigarette to cool down my nerves.

"Thank God for these", I puffed, referring to the smoke in my hand.

"Yeah, I know right? I don't know how people don't smoke".

"Well, some people have other ways to deal with stress", I said and he shrugged.

"I prefer smoking", he said.

"Me too".

I was trying to not look behind my back and at the table I had seen Jon sitting in, but I couldn't control myself. There he was, laughing with his friends, when his eyes turned to me. I was about to look away but he waved at me. I smiled and did the same.

"You two, you really fucking have to talk", Danny commented.

"I know", I groaned. "It's just hard".

"Tough shit", he replied and got up. He left for the bathroom and I was left alone. That didn't last for long however, as there was a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and saw his angel face, a mask to hide his devilish ways.

"You wanna come outside with me?" he asked, pointing to the door. I nodded and got up. I followed Jon to the outside. He lit a cigarette and rubbed the back of his neck, I was tempted to smoke myself, but I had just finished one. But then again, it was a stressful moment, I thought, and lit one.

I looked at him for a moment, he was trying to figure out what to say. He was kicking the snow on the ground and he let out a laugh.

"So, how are you?" he started. I exhaled and looked at him.

"I'm uh, I'm alright", I smiled. "And you?"

"Fine", he replied. There was a silence, and I knew full well this was my opportunity to explain myself.

"Look, there's something you should know. When I left, all that shit I said, how I blamed you for everything like a child, it was because at the hospital they told me something. And it really fucked me over, I was just drawing a blank and honestly, I regret doing it. I regret leaving you, I blurted out, not thinking what I was saying. My feelings got the best of me.

"You know, I never really thought of it as a break up", Jon said. I looked at up at him.

"Why?"

"It just didn't like, feel like it you know? And I sort of knew you'd regret it", he explained. I looked at the ground.

"Yeah. I do regret it".

"So, at the hospital, what was it that they told you?" he asked. I bit my lip, knowing full well there was a big chance Jon wouldn't want to be with someone who couldn't have children.

"First of all I want to mention that I broke up with you because I thought for sure this would make you break up with me, and I couldn't have handled that, and I was a mess", I started and he gave me an approving nod. "I-uh, I can't have kids. They took out my uterus".

He looked stunned at first, but then he look on his face turned into a more sad one.

"Fuck", he muttered.

He hugged me to my surprise and held me close to him. I hadn't cried about it, but when someone comforts you, you realize that there is a reason to be comforted. I blinked away a few tears, but a couple managed to make their way down my face. I pulled back from the hug to wipe them off.

"I wouldn't have left you because of that. Never", he promised me as he moved some of my hair behind my ear.

"But I'm broken, alright? I'm not complete, I am damaged beyond repair. And you deserve someone better than that", I explained, wiping off more tears.

"Stop talking like that, you know I only want you. I only love you, and that's not going to change", he said looking deeply into my eyes. He placed a kiss on my forehead and his hands made their way up and down my arms.

"You're too good for me", I whispered and he sighed.

"You just don't realize how good you are", he replied. "Can things go back to normal?"

"I want that too, but I'm scared one day you'll wake up and regret this. One day, you'll wake up and realize you want a kid. And I can't give you one, and I can't take that possibility away from you", I explained and stared at the ground.

"Hey, look at me", he said and tilted my head up. "You're not taking anything away from me. First of all, I don't want kids. Second of all, if I will, we can adopt or something", he assured me.

I buried my face into his chest and he held me against him.

"I love you", he said.

"I love you too, Jon. But... I can't do this yet, I'm not ready. I need time", I said as I stepped back. He looked surprised and hurt.

"Time for what?" he asked, the tone in his voice was frustrated and mean.

"To get my thoughts together. To get myself together. I'm sorry, I just can't be in a relationship right now", I said and he looked cold.

"I guess I'll see you around then", he said after a moment. I nodded with a forced smile and turned around before I walked back inside the bar.


	26. Queen's Throne

Another day, another show. I sat down on a steel chair to waste time before I had to go to the ring with Danny and Devon.

"I don't like this storyline, guys", I whined.

"What's so bad with it?"

I glared at Danny for making a stupid comment.

"Are you serious?" I asked.

"It's just Jon and Sami, ya know? No big deal", Devon said. I sighed.

"Yeah, I'm sure it'll be less than great being out there watching you guys have a match", I muttered.

"It's just a storyline".

"And I hate it. Nation Of Intoxication versus the Switchblade Conspiracy... I dislike it"

"It tells a great story though", Devon protested.

"It does, I'm not arguing with that, I just don't want to be a part of it", I shrugged. There was loud laughter coming from around a corner.

"Who the fuck laughs like that?" Danny asked apparently finding the laughter annoying, which it admittedly was.

"Come on, people are allowed to have fun", I stated. The sounds got louder, meaning whoever was there was getting closer. Danny blocked his ears with his hands which I found funny, the guy could take barbed wire to his skin but couldn't stand that noise. A brunette chick with very slutty clothes appeared, and Danny's hands fell from his ears to his sides. Her hair was curled and her make up was, well, clearly there. She was putting a lot more effort than I was into the whole 'looking sexy' thing. I was just chilling in black shorts and a N.O.I t-shirt. She wore high heels, I wore red Converse. We were night and day. I looked at the guys who had their eyes on her.

"Not so annoying now, huh?" I asked.

"Fuck no", Danny muttered. I rolled my eyes but was amused. I turned my eyes to the woman again, wondering who she was. No chance she was wrestling, not at all. I got my answer when I noticed Jon walking behind her, hand in hand. I could see Jon clearly staring at her ass and I looked away.

"Well, shit. Who is she?" I asked and pursed my lips.

"That's Trina. Jon's new escort", Devon said. I looked at him and then to the roof.

"New escort, huh?" I breathed.

"Well, they had to replace you", he shrugged. Sami appeared behind the two, walking along side them.

"She and Jon look pretty, uh, friendly"

"They have probably fucked by now"

Danny punched Devon in the arm.

"You can't say shit like that, Sasha's right fucking there!" he exclaimed.

"It's fine, guys. It's fine", I promised. It wasn't fine, it sucked and I was jealous, but I was also good at hiding my emotions when I felt like it.

"Guys!" sounded a voice on our other side. "To the ring".

The music hit and we walked to the ring, I wasn't feeling it at all, but I loved the reaction the fans were giving us. They had become familiar with me as well, and honestly CZW felt like home. I got on the apron and stepped in through the middle rope. The guys did their poses on each side of me, getting on the middle rope. I was smiling with my hands in the air before the Switchblade music hit. I didn't leave the ring yet, not until that other bitch would.

Yes, admittedly I didn't know her, but I just knew she was a bitch. I could feel it. The girl came out first, and her red painted lips pulled into a smile that fitted her curly light brunette hair. Bitch. I was sitting on a top turnbuckle, waiting for them to enter the ring. Jon and Sami came out from behind the black curtain and Jon linked his arm with hers, a sight I didn't want to see. I had an arrogant smile on my face, but inside I was feeling betrayed. I didn't have a right to feel so, but hey, I was an obsessive, jealous, bitter bitch. Trina entered the ring first, bending down to enter above the bottom rope. She clapped her hands when Jon and Sami entered and I just found it so pretentious. I hopped to the mat and walked between my boys. Trina stayed behind Sami and Jon, and I gave her a daring look and was sure Jon would notice it. I could see his arrogant smirk even with my eyes locked in Trina's. She did surprise me when she shoved Jon and Sami away from her way and came nose to nose with me. It was way out of the script, but if mean is what she wanted, mean is what she'd get. I was never one to back down from a fight if challenged to one. There were loud 'ooh':s roaring from the audience.

"Back off, Sasha", Danny whispered. Sami looked concerned for Trina too, but Jon seemed to find the situation intriguing. I was just staring at her, she was taller than me, well at least in those high heels she was wearing. But I didn't give a damn.

"I suggest you take a step back", I said, loud enough for the guys around us to hear. Jon forced himself between us and shoved me back, this was followed by an all too real punch to his face by Danny. The bell rang and I got out of the way, rolling out of the ring and to the floor.

"Shit", I muttered as I stood on my side. I could see Trina form the word 'bitch' with her mouth and I raised my eyebrows at her on the other side of the ring. She shrugged with that bitchface she had mastered. I laughed and stayed on my side, watching the match. After about ten minutes it ended with a disqualification, it had been planned that Trina would hit Danny with a chair when the Switchblades were losing. This was followed by a beat down to the N.O.I with the Switchblades marching out with a lose, but still on top. Once we got backstage I saw DJ damn near running to me.

"What the fuck was that?" he demanded, sounding really pissed off.

"Look, I'm sorry and all, but that girl is getting on my nerves", I explained.

"You can't pull shit like that, Sasha! The fans are starting to like you and if that shit keeps going on, they are going to expect you two to have a match. Are you a wrestler?"

"No. But I'd beat her ass any day of the week", I shrugged, my words surprising even myself.

"Jesus Christ, Sasha! You're not a wrestler, and that's the point. The fans will expect a match if that shit keeps going on"

"Yeah, alright. But am I not the top female around here? Do I not get a big reaction out there?" I asked.

"Sure, you get a reaction and you are the top female, since when you came here you were the only one, but-"

"That's all I need to hear. I'm the one on the female throne, not that bitch, and I demand respect from her. _I_ respect everyone here, all these guys who work their ass off, I respect them. But I too deserve respect, especially from her".

"Fuck, whatever, just stopping stirring shit up in front of the crowd", he groaned and walked to another direction.

I turned to Danny and Devon behind me.

"Well, that's one way to talk to your boss", Danny commented.

"Hey, I'm just saying what is true", I said. Was I out of line? Definitely. Had it worked to push boundaries? Absolutely.

"Alright, we'll see you at the car. Gotta go change", Devon said and I nodded. I walked down the empty hallway to the parking lot, but I heard quick footsteps coming from behind me.

"Hey!" I heard, it was definitely her. I stopped and turned around.

"What the fuck was that out there? Do we have a problem here?"

"I don't know", I responded. "You tell me. You didn't have to get nose to nose with me, that was you who did that"

"With that look you had on your face, yeah, I did that. You're not better than me, drop the attitude. Besides, I know for a fact I'm better than you", she stated, pushing her index finger into my chest as she spoke. I looked at her finger and then at her, she took the hint and stopped touching me.

"You think you are the bitch of this place, but sweetheart, you got another thing coming. You are an escort, nothing more. I am too, I'll admit that. But I've actually earned respect from people outside the ring. I listen to these people when they need it, I help them when they ask for it. Sure, my job is being an escort, but I'm also a friend to damn near everyone here. And let me tell you; I can not only play your game, I can play it better than you. Prove yourself to the fans and to the wrestlers, prove yourself to me. Because you won't get anyone's respect if you keep that shit up", I said calmly and turned around. I only managed to take a few steps.

"Oh, is that right? If you're so much better than me, then how come Jon's with me and not you!?" she shouted. I walked straight back to her, I couldn't resist it. She had crossed a line.

"Don't you ever, ever talk about Jon to me again. You will never know anything about us, nor will you ever have what we had", I hissed at her.

"Ladies, calm down", I heard a raspy voice say, I knew full well it was Jon. I looked over Trina's shoulder and sure enough it was him slowly walking to us.

"Set her straight or I will", I said to him and he held his hands up like he was surrendering.

"Calm down", he drawled and he had a smile on his face, I was so tempted to rip it off of him. I didn't respond.

"Am I sensing some jealousy here? Hmm?" he asked as he wrapped his arms around Trina's waist from behind her. She leaned against him.

"Why are you being an asshole, Jon?" I asked as I crossed my arms in front of my chest.

"How am I being an asshole?"

"Oh, forgive me, I meant to say bitter little bitch", I laughed. Jon looked genuinely hurt for a split second, but he covered it with a smirk.

"You're the one who sounds bitter", he said with a shrug.

"You know what? I'm done with this conversation", I said and exhaled loudly as I took a step back from the two. Jon's arms instantly left Trina's body and he hurried to me. He grabbed my arm and held my head in place with his other hand before he leaned in and kissed me hard. I couldn't pull back, he held me with force and it lasted for too long. I didn't kiss him back, but he forced his tongue into my mouth. He finally stopped and whispered something into my ear.

"You're still mine". He then walked to Trina who looked confused as hell.

* * *

I looked at Danny whose eyes were on the TV. I then saw a pillow on the floor and picked it up slowly. I threw it at Danny, but he managed to catch it without even looking into my direction.

"Nice try", he commented and I groaned at him.

"Something wrong?" he asked.

"Well, now that you asked, today something interesting and shitty happened. You two went to change, I had a small argument with Trina when Jon came out, he tried to piss me off, but I'm pretty sure he was the one who got angry. And then when I tried to leave he fucking grabbed me and kissed me. Then he told me I was still his, and I'm just so fucking angry! I hate when he plays games, I thought we'd already be past that. But nooo, he's a childish fuck".

"Don't give in, he's playing with you. Besides, rumor has it he's with Trina. They have some fucked up arrangement, Trina thinks they're together, Jon says it's just sex", he explained. I listened with interest.

"You're right. I need to stay strong. I just fucking hate the thought of doing the next show. I hope your storyline ends soon", I sighed.

"You'll be good, you're strong. I mean come on, you got stabbed and survived", he said. I let out a laugh.

"True. Sometimes it's just hard to be the one who has to stay strong".

"Let's do something, get your mind off of that shit"

"We're not going to get drunk again, it doesn't help".

"Yeah? Well... let's go to Devon's"

"Alright, if you think there's more to do there", I agreed.

"Well, he's having a party", he shrugged.

"How is that not getting drunk?"

"Just go with it, alright? Good things can happen when you're open to opportunities", he said. I sighed.

"Fine".

It was a walking distance to Devon's place, it was actually bigger than Danny's, yet he was always at his apartment. I stepped in and I could tell this would be a shitty night of shitty things, I realized that as soon as I saw it was the after show party, where all the guys from CZW would be at to celebrate a job well done. I grabbed a beer from Devon's fridge and found DJ. I walked to him.

"I would like to apologize for my behavior. You were right, it was not okay". I said to him. I had to swallow my pride to do so, but it would be worth it to have your boss on your side.

"Apology accepted. I heard about the incident in the hallway, I told Jon and Trina to leave you alone at the shows at least", he responded. I tucked some of my hair behind my ear.

"Y-you did? Thanks".

"Yeah, no problem", he smiled.

I walked to the living room and sat down alone, not feeling like being around people. But there were so many, personal space didn't seem like a possibility. When I had anxiety, there was one thing that helped and that was clear liquor. I mixed it with whatever I could find and drank plenty. I had a great buzz. It was already after midnight and I looked out of the window, the sky was clear and you could see the stars. I got up and grabbed Devon's coat from the corner of the room, put it on and went to the balcony. I lit a cigarette and looked at the night sky from the chair I was sitting on. I could hear the music blasting from the inside and felt really alive, like I usually did when it was night. I was startled when the door opened and my mind instantly went to the thought that it was Jon, but I was glad to see a guy step in that I didn't even know. He sat down next to me.

"You're not from the company are you?" I asked.

"Nah, I'm friends with Devon", he explained. I nodded and took a drag out of my cigarette.

"So, how are you?" he asked. It was a weird question. How was I? I didn't even know myself.

"I'm uh, I'm good".

"You don't seem like it".

"Do you always analyze people?"

"Yes"

"Me too", I replied and let out a breath. "And it sucks. How are you?"

"I'm alright, nothing special going on", he replied.

"I haven't seen you around these parties before", I wondered.

"Yeah, I just moved back here, I was in Chicago for just over three years".

"Oh, alright, makes sense"

"I'm Ryan by the way", he said and offered me his hand. I smiled and shook it.

"Sasha", I replied.

We had been chatting for about an hour about a lot of weird stuff. Everything from the stars in the sky to the clothes we were wearing. He was a really nice guy, and good looking too, he had green eyes and dark hair.

"Wait, you got stabbed?" he asked.

"Yeah, I got stabbed in the middle of a snowball battle". I couldn't say it without bursting into laughter, and he laughed too, we were really connecting. The door then slammed open and I nearly fell off of my chair. It was Jon. And he looked pissed off.


	27. Guard

He paced around for a minute and I used the time to pull myself together. Ryan looked fucking terrified himself, like a fish on dry land. Jon stopped moving for a moment and I saw that his mouth was twitching. I sat there expressionless and he stared at me, but I couldn't look away, so I just freaking sat there. He let out a groan and started to pace back and forth again. I glared at Ryan who looked at me and pointed to the inside.

"Should we go?" he whispered and I nodded.

"You. Leave. Now", Jon said to Ryan. He raised a brow at him.

"Excuse me?"

"I said get out!" he yelled and even I almost whimpered when the order wasn't even directed to me. Ryan held his hands up and got up. I stood up as well.

"Not you. Stay", he commanded. I sunk down onto my seat.

"Come on, Sasha, he can't tell you what to do", Ryan said. They both looked at me for what felt like an eternity and I wasn't sure if I should leave or stay.

"If you leave, I swear I will haunt you down and destroy you", Jon promised me through gritted teeth.

"Alright man, back off", Ryan protested, defending me. "Come on, let's go".

Jon roughly tilted his head to both sides and there were two 'crack' sounds echoing in the air. Then in less than a second he grabbed Ryan and pushed him to the wall.

"Don't think I'm above beating you up right here", he warned him and balled his fist, ready to strike.

"Jon, stop! I'll... I'll stay".

He turned to look at me and slowly let go of Ryan who looked at me with disappointment in his eyes. But at least he left the balcony in one piece. Jon locked the door and we were left alone. I lit a cigarette, it was a preemptive strike to cool my nerves before he could even start. I took a deep drag and exhaled. Jon seemed to be thinking, he couldn't stay still. After about a minute he sat down, but kept moving his hands. Either he was rubbing his neck or scratching his arm or shoulder. I kept smoking in silence, I wasn't going to say anything if he wasn't. He took a deep breath and calmed down.

"I couldn't help but notice you getting a little friendly with that guy", he said. It was weird, he was talking in a calm and collected way now. I nodded, but didn't look at him.

"I couldn't help but hear you were laughing at the thought of being stabbed"

"No reason to dwell in the past. I think the faster you get over something _or someone_ bad, the better", I responded, still not able to look his way.

"I couldn't help but see you two laughing together"

"Oh yeah, Ryan seems like a great guy", I said. He was so angry, and for what? He was the one sleeping around again, not me. He was the one being an asshole, not me.

"Was that all?" I asked him, finally meeting his gaze. He looked down on the floor and let out a small laugh.

"No, Sasha. That was not all. You need to stop being a bitch to Trina", he said. Now it was my turn to laugh.

"Maybe you need to tell her to keep away from me. You're not the only one who can do damage with nothing but a fork".

"She said you attacked her in the hallway, out of the fucking blue. You can't do that".

"Fist of all, that's not what happened and I'm pretty sure you know that. Second of all, she's a bitch. I don't like bitches, matter of fact I hate them. And if they decide to make me the person they are bitchy to, I'm not going to take it lying down", I said.

"Oh, yeah? You didn't have a problem taking this lying down when we were together", he replied.

"Well, she probably doesn't either, with all the porn she's doing"

"That just proves you've dug up shit about her. You _are_ jealous"

"Yes, Jon, I am jealous. I am so jealous of her. I wish I could be in her position, because any girl would be lucky to be fucked over by you!" I replied, each word coming out louder than the previous one.

"I didn't fuck you over, I just fucked you"

"Exactly. And you've made it clear that every 'I love you' you ever said to me was a lie. Because that's all I ever was to you, someone to fuck", I said, my voice suddenly turned to fragile. I looked at the floor and then at the sky. The stars always made me feel better, the thought of space, being alone in the darkness away from everything.

"Don't say that. You know that's not true"

"That is the truth. You know what else is the truth? I loved you. I was in love with you, I felt feelings so strong I will never feel them again. You were the only person I trusted, and you made me realize that I was right all along to never trust anyone. You took everything away from me, can't you see that? Can't you see how broken I am because it was all a game to you?

"It wasn't a game, Sasha. You left me, you said you needed time-"

"Yeah, I needed time. I needed time because I had just been fucking stabbed and told that I can never carry a child, Jon. Never. But you just couldn't stand the thought of something not going your way, so instead of giving me time, you gave yourself a glorified whore and I was left with nothing". I was pouring out everything within me, and I didn't care if he could take it, I needed him to know. I had decided not to cry, but with everything out like that, I didn't have a choice. I took a moment to pull myself together.

"You broke me".

He got up from his seat and crouched down in front of me.

"Look at me", he said. I couldn't. I buried my face into my hands and cried silently. All my life I had been taught not to show emotion, and I had been dumb enough to forget that. It was time to rebuild my walls.

"Hey, look at me", he repeated.

"What?" I asked as I raised my head.

"I promised you I would always fix you", he said with a smile. He attempted to kiss me and honestly, I probably would have given in. But everything can change in a second. There were three loud knocks on the door.

"Jon? Are you there?" I heard Trina's voice. My eyes shot up to the door and then slowly moved to Jon. He dried my tears with his thumbs. Then without saying a word he went to open the door and Trina just jumped him, shoving her tongue down his throat. I could see Jon resisting at first, but then he gave in. I took it as my cue and stood up, straightened my clothes and walked to the door. I looked back at them one last time, and saw Jon looking at me. I shook my head and left, closing the door behind me.

I entered the music which was still loud as hell, and decided it was time to drown my worries with alcohol. I walked to the kitchen and found a bottle of clear liquor, I grabbed it and went to the living room. I saw Danny sitting on a couch and I slumped down next to him.

"Want some?" I asked holding up the bottle. He grabbed it and took a sip.

"You sure you don't wanna mix that with anything?" he asked and looked rather disgusted.

"I think I'll be just fine without", I replied and took a big swig, it burned my throat and tasted horrendous, but I just couldn't care.

"Danny?"

"Yeah?"

"What's so bad about me?" I asked. He sighed and pulled me to lean against him.

"Nothing is wrong with you, that's why you have me and Devon. Besides, everyone likes you at CZW"

"But Jon chooses a porn star rather than me", I muttered and took another swig.

"Well, that just means it's Jon who has something wrong with him".

"But-"

"There's no but there, Sasha. You just have to accept the fact that until he changes, it's not happening"

"People don't change though", I stated.

"They can evolve into a better version of themselves", he explained. I looked up at him.

"You're a smart guy even when you're drunk", I said. He laughed.

"I try. Now give me that bottle, I'm not drunk enough"

I handed him the bottle and we took turns with it, which reminded me of the time I got drunk with Laura. It was clearly time for me to start building up the walls I had torn down, nothing good came out of letting people get close. There weren't many people I trusted, there were me, Danny and Devon. That was it. And that was a good thing, I shouldn't have let my guard down and allow people to fuck around with me like I had. I shouldn't have given all those opportunities only to be used and hurt time after time. It was okay to build walls, they were there to protect you. The walls you built around you were what kept you safe.

* * *

_Where the hell am I?_ That was the first thing going through my mind when I woke up the next day. I looked around and was happy to see I was home. Well, I was at the apartment, which wasn't really my home anymore. I knew I had to figure out a plan to get out, I couldn't know if Jon was there. I almost screamed when I heard snoring from the other side of the bed. I couldn't see who it was, their head was buried into a pillow and the covers were pulled over their head.

I looked around the room with a hopeless expression and slowly got up from the bed, trying to make as little noise as possible. I saw my skinny jeans from last night laying on the floor and pulled them on, otherwise I was already clothed when I woke up. I scanned the room to find my bag, my keys, my phone, my anything and everything. I located a black purse on the other side of the bed and recognized it as mine. I tiptoed to it and slowly went to pick it up, when the person moved. I stayed still, I didn't even dare move my eyes. They moved to face away from me and their back was turned towards me. I picked up the purse and turned around to go for the door.

"Where the hell do you think you're going without me?"

I froze to my spot, and held in my breath as I turned around. Then I let out a sigh of relief.

"Danny! I was so fucking scared, I had no idea who you were! And how can you sleep like that, how do you breath?"

"I'm an expert in sleeping, bitch", he yawned.

"Why are we here?" I asked, walking closer to the bed. He rubbed his temple and tried to remember.

"Uh, we were really drunk, we shared that bottle... Then everything kind of blurs out, but I remember when we left we didn't know which way to go and ended up going to the wrong direction-"

"And you suggested we come here since we were around! Yeah, I remember now", I laughed, but then concern overcame me. "Jon's not here, right?"

"Nah, I think he went to Trina's place. Or Sami's, who knows?"

"Good. But we need to leave before he comes here, so get dressed", I ordered.

"But I'm tired", he whined.

"You can sleep at your place, I'll pay for the cab. Come on". He groaned but got out of the bed. He had slept with his jeans on and I threw him his hoodie from the night before. He pulled it on and grabbed the pair of sunglasses on the table.

"It's still winter, there's no sun outside. You don't need those"

"I'm hungover, I do need them", he protested and walked out of the room. I followed him and found my shoes and jacket in the living room. I put them on before we left the apartment and went to get a cab. Danny slept the entire ride to his place and I had to admit, I was really tired too. I woke him up when we reached our destination and we walked inside his apartment, where we saw Devon half asleep on the sofa.

"How?" I asked as I slumped down on the armchair.

"I don't have a single memory of how I ended up here, but hey, could have been worse", he muttered. I let out a laugh and nodded.

Everyone was tired and I decided it would be for the best to just sleep, then we could get up in the evening and do something then. I dragged myself to the bedroom and lay down. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I fell asleep.


	28. Everything

"What time is it?" I groaned as I dragged my body to the living room, where the guys were already awake.

"It's a little over eight", Devon replied. "Sleep well?"

"Yeah, I slept alright. I feel like shit right now though", I laughed and sat down on a chair in the kitchen.

"Well you better get ready, we're going out again", Danny said.

"What?"

"Yeah, we're going to DJ's party tonight", he continued.

"You have got to be kidding me, I can't go out every night", I protested.

"Sure you can. You just have to get your shit together. And maybe brush your hair, looks like a fucking bird's nest", Devon said and shuddered.

"Fuck you, Devon", I replied with a smile. He turned around with a shocked look on his face.

"Oh, oh my god. How will I survive this comment you have just made? Danny, will you help me get over this?" he mocked.

"Yes, Devon, I shall help you", Danny replied and they hugged for a moment.

"You guys are the worst", I muttered. They just laughed and Devon flipped me off. I did the same to him.

"Alright, you two stop fighting. Sasha, you have to come to DJ's party tonight. I mean come on, why the hell not?"

"Because there has to be more to life than drinking", I explained. They shared a look and Devon shrugged.

"There's pot", he mentioned. I huffed.

"There has to be more to life than toxic substances".

"Hey, bitch, didn't you catch the name of the group? Nation Of Intoxication?" Danny asked.

"Mmhm", Devon nodded.

"Fine, whatever, I'll come with you. But tomorrow we will do something else. And I mean it", I said.

"Alright, deal, what do you want to do?"

"Let's go camping!" I exclaimed. The guys looked at me for a long time, just staring at me.

"What?" Devon finally asked.

"We're going camping, boys, and that's it".

"Fine, we'll go camping", Danny promised. I was satisfied with the result and stood up from my chair. I walked to the living room and placed the mirror that was hanging on the wall onto the floor. I got my hair straightener and make up bag and started to get ready.

* * *

"Is Jon gonna be there though?" I asked for the tenth time as we were sitting in the car.

"We told you already, we don't know. Like in all honesty I think he will be, but so what?"

"He's a prick, that's what"

"Ignore him, we'll help you out if needed", Devon assured me. I leaned back against the seat and looked out of the window.

"Why are we going this way?" I asked, noticing this was a strange route.

"We're picking up this guy, Devon knows him", Danny explained. I nodded and sighed. It wasn't until we stopped in a parking lot that I realized the guy we were picking up was Ryan.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck", I cursed as I saw him walking to the car. "Devon, drive. I'm telling you, pedal to the metal, alright?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" he laughed. The car door opened and Ryan sat in. I gave him an obviously fake smile and looked away.

"Nothing", I replied to Devon, my voice pitched and weak.

"Sasha, right?" Ryan asked from the seat next to mine.

"Yeah, hey", I replied dryly, remembering exactly how our last encounter had ended up.

"You two know each other?" Danny asked and raised an eyebrow.

"I met her last night, yeah", Ryan replied and I nodded slightly, wanting that conversation to be over before it begun.

"Then that weird guy just fucking jumped me in the balcony, he was shouting and threatening me and all kinds of shit. And then he-"

"Alright Ryan, great story, let's go", I interrupted him. Devon started to drive and I sighed. Why must this be happening? I didn't know, I didn't like it. Ryan thankfully got the hint and shut his mouth for the rest of the drive and I practically run inside DJ's place when we got there. I had a bottle of liquor with me and didn't waste any time starting to drink it. I searched the place not only to find DJ, but also to see if Jon, or worse, Trina, was there. I looked into the backyard and saw DJ sitting there, I opened the glass door and walked outside.

"Hey!" I greeted him as I walked to him. He looked over his shoulder and waved.

"What's up?" I asked, sitting down on the garden chair. "And why are you out here? It's freezing"

"I just felt like getting some fresh air. And I'm doing fantastic", he said and smiled wider than I'd ever seen.

"Oh yeah? What's made you so happy, boss?" I asked and took a swig of my drink.

"I've got a girl", he stated and nodded.

"Well, shit, good for you!"

"Yeah, she's amazing. Don't tell the guys though, they'll call me a pussy for settling down".

"Oh, I won't say a thing. But seriously, it is freezing. Come on, let's tear this party apart", I said and got up. He did so too and we went back inside. The first thing I saw was Danny and Devon having a beer drinking competition. Danny won, drinking his three beers faster than Devon. He looked stunned.

"What the hell, did you cheat?" he asked.

"Nope", Danny replied and opened another beer. "Cheers"

I felt someone tap on my shoulder and turned around. It was Ryan.

"Shit", I blurted out and he laughed.

"I ain't that ugly", he replied.

"Yeah, fuck, sorry, no-"

"Don't sweat it. I was just wondering if you wanted to talk, you know, since we were interrupted last night?"

"Oh, yeah, sure", I replied. He lead me to a more quiet spot and I sat down on one of the two armchairs in the room.

It was awkward at first, trying to think what was appropriate. He was smiling but I could tell he was trying to hide his own anxiety.

"What's up?" I asked, trying to start the conversation.

"I'm alright, and you?"

"Good, good", I muttered and took a big swig from my bottle.

"Okay, so I've been wondering what the hell happened last night. Do you know that guy?"

I was not ready to have that conversation.

"I do, actually, yes, I do. He's having a hard time letting go of me", I explained, not feeling like telling the dirty details of our fucked up relationship.

"I can understand him"

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"Well, I mean if I had a girl like you, I couldn't let go either", he said. I felt myself blush and couldn't speak a word for a moment. I cleared my throat.

"He actually has a new girl", I told him.

"Oh, then it's really weird. Why did he flip then?"

"Your guess is as good as mine", I said and shook my head. After I managed to change the subject we had a good time talking to each other, and it started to feel more natural as time passed. I could feel the same connection I had felt last night and ended up giving him my number too. He said he'd call, which sounded good to me. I was just about to say something when the door opened.

_Oh, please don't be Jon_, I thought to myself.

"Sasha, Danny's throwing up", Devon groaned from the doorway.

"And?"

"He wants you to be there, he's being all emotional and shit", he explained. I groaned and looked at Ryan.

"Sorry, I gotta go", I said to him and he nodded understandingly.

"I'll call you", he told me before I left. I walked to the bathroom upstairs where I found a very intoxicated Danny sitting on the floor with a white bucket on his lap.

"I love y-", he started before he was cut mid-sentence by his own vomit. It just kept coming and he was shaking too.

"We've been here for what? An hour?" I asked.

"Two", he corrected me. I rolled my eyes and walked behind him. I sat down and hugged him.

"You alcoholic fool", I whispered to him and stroke his hair. He kept throwing up and to be honest, it was fucking disgusting. But you can't leave a friend when they're a mess, so I stuck with him and helped him as much as I could.

"We should have gone camping today", he groaned once he was finished.

"Yeah, but you'll be alright", I assured him as we both got up from the tile floor. I helped him out and to a sofa. I went and got him water before I gave the glass to him and sat down.

"I need to get drunk, this ain't gonna cut it".

"You'd just throw up more, and besides you're still pretty drunk", I protested and took a sip of my own bottle.

"Why do you get to drink if I don't? No fair"

"What are you? Six?" I laughed. He pouted and took the bottle from me. I tried to snatch it back, but he wouldn't give it. He drank from it and howled.

"Yeah, baby! Alcohol!" he exclaimed. I rolled my eyes.

"Danny. Hey, Danny, look at me. Give me the bottle"

"No way hoe, this my bottle now".

"Danny!"

He groaned and slowly handed the bottle back to me. As soon as it was in my hand, he passed out on the couch.

I kept sitting next to Danny, making sure he was alright. I saw Jon enter the house with Trina, but I refused to look at them. It would have just made me feel more shitty about everything. Soon Devon came around and agreed to look after Danny while I went for a smoke. I sat down on the front porch and lit it. It was a nice break from everything and it was finished all too soon. I went back inside.

I walked towards the couch where Devon had promised to be, looking after Danny, but I found him passed out as well. They were both just sleeping there, next to each other, Devon's head on Danny's shoulder. I laughed quietly before realizing that would be a problem. How the hell would I get these guys home? I tried waking them up to no avail and looked around helplessly. I noticed Trina in the kitchen staring me down and laughing at my attempts. She was really pushing my buttons. She kept her eyes on me as he grabbed Jon by his shirt and pulled him closer to her, before she kissed him. I huffed and kept trying to wake the guys up. It still didn't work, so I gave up and sat down next to Devon, our group was now taking up the whole couch.

* * *

"Sasha?" I heard someone say. I opened my eyes and was shocked to realize I had fallen asleep. It must have looked ridiculous. But what shocked me even more was the fact that the person talking to me was Trina. I got up.

"What?" I asked.

"Can I talk to you?" she asked and bit her lip. I thought about if for a moment before I nodded and she gave me a smile. We entered a bedroom and I sat down on the bed. She sat down next to me.

"So, I was wondering how you were feeling? You know, it must be hard not being with Jon", she started.

"Cut the shit, alright? He tried to kiss me last night, so, yeah", I countered.

"Aw, poor baby. I'll tell you something, okay? He didn't try to kiss you, I know you would have wanted it. I know you aren't over him, but you have to give him space. My relationship with Jon is amazing, we are perfect for each other. I'm sorry things didn't work out for you two, but you have to understand; he's a star. I am a star. You are just... well, you are an everyday nothing. Not to be rude", she explained.

"Yeah, you're right about one thing. You're a star, a porn star. And to everything else you said, I have one thing for you", I said, got up, flipped her off and walked out of the room. As soon as I got out of there, I felt her pulling my hair hard. My neck bent down and I was just filled with adrenaline.

"You fucking bitch", I muttered before I grabbed her hands and twisted them, she was squealing in pain, which I admittedly enjoyed. I moved her towards the center of room by her hands, which were locked in mine. I let go of her hands there, where we were in a spot where more people could see us. I was sure she wouldn't try anything now.

"And that's your last warning", I told her. I stepped back but she wasn't done, she slapped me and the noise of it echoed in the air. Someone even stopped the music, and people were just staring at us.

I was struggling between beating the shit out of her and being the bigger person. Too bad I had drank alcohol. I was about to hit her, but someone grabbed my arm before I could. Without turning around, I said:

"You have one fucking second to let go or you're next"

"I doubt it", I heard his voice from behind me. It was Jon, once again his timing was perfect. I dropped my hand to my side and took a last glance at Trina before I grabbed my jacket and left the house, walking down the cold street without anywhere to go. I was just walking, as far as I possibly could. I wanted to leave everything, the fucking world in itself.

I lit a cigarette and sat down in the snow, not giving a fuck about anything. I just sat in the snow, there was a lot of it and it held me up too. I looked at the cloudy night sky and exhaled. I saw Jon walking towards me in quick steps and got up. I started to walk away fast, I had nothing to say to him at all.

"Fucking stop!" he yelled. I ignored him and kept walking, but he ran to me and got in my way.

"Move", I ordered. He pushed me back, he wouldn't let me go. I inhaled and blew the smoke in his face.

"What do you want from me?" I asked.

"Everything", he simply said.

"Jon, stop playing around. I can't take your mood swings, I mean what are you on your period?" I spat.

"You need a ride home, right?" he breathed after a moment.

"I don't need a damn thing from you. Here's how it's going to be: we are done. Done diddly, nothing ever again between us. You have Trina, she is now your woman, bitch, skank, whatever. And I am not. My life is none of your business, and yours doesn't interest me. Leave me alone". I was practically begging for him to just stay away.

"I'll make you a deal. If you just let me drive you home, I'll stop bothering you", he promised. I raised my eyebrows.

"Alright?"

"Fine", I sighed. I walked quickly to his car and sat down on the passenger's seat. We didn't speak, we didn't look at each other. Silence, all the way to the apartment. I got out of the car and walked to the elevator when I realized he was still there, trailing behind me.

"What are you doing?" I asked him as the elevator's doors closed.

"Going home", he breathed. I should have known there was a catch, but I couldn't have gone to Danny's place either, as both of my guys had passed out. I entered the apartment and walked to the kitchen where I took a glass from a drawer and filled it with water. I gulped it down before I went to wash my face in the bathroom. The cold water felt great against my skin. I got up and jumped when I saw Jon's reflection in the mirror. My hand went to my heart and I turned around breathing heavily.

"Jesus Christ, what are you doing?"

He pushed me against the sink roughly and leaned in towards me.

"I already told you. I'm going to have your everything".


	29. Decision Time

"No", I firmly said and he placed his hands on my hips. I pushed him away from me and left the bathroom.

"Jon, we are not doing this. Please, leave me alone", I continued.

"Don't be like that, I know you want to", he told me. I shook my head a no.

"So what?" he asked as he slowly stepped closer, his legs swung forward. "You don't want me anymore?"

"No, I don't. I'm over you, completely", I lied. Of course I wasn't completely over him, but I was making progress.

"Do you think I'm stupid?" he asked coldly.

"No", I huffed. "What has that got to do with anything?"

"Then why do you think you can lie to me? Hmm?" he continued and was now right in front of me, his chest just an inch away.

"Can you take a step back?" I asked.

"Answer me", he commanded. I swallowed hard.

"This can't keep going on, I'm trying to get over you, alright? Why don't you want me to do that?" I asked and he sighed.

"You're mine", he shrugged.

"Not anymore. I used to be okay with being yours, but not anymore. If you're not mine, I'm not yours". I crossed my arms in front of my chest, satisfied with my answer.

"Is that right?"

"Yes", I stated and he let out a laugh.

"Fucking take me seriously, Jon!" I told him as I pushed him away from me. I started to walk away from him again.

"Not my fault you're hot when you're angry".

"Go away, find Trina, fuck her, do whatever. Just stay away from me", I begged.

"Nope", he said simply and kept walking behind me, not leaving me alone.

"Please"

"Do I disgust you? Is that it? Why are you so eager to get away from me, Sasha?" he asked. I sighed.

"Your mood swings, your games, it's too much to me. I can't know what you want and when you're being yourself and shit, it is too complicated", I explained.

"So, I'm too fucked up for you? You're too good for me?"

"Jon! Don't try to manipulate me"

"Alright, whatever. You don't want me, I'm too fucking shitty and nobody could ever love me, I get it", he rambled on.

"It's not like that, you know it isn't. I love you, but it's not fair"

"What the fuck do you want me to do?!" he shouted. I flinched when he tried to touch me.

"Oh, so I scare you", he whispered.

I walked away from him, to the window. I stared outside, not knowing how to proceed from this situation.

"In the balcony, at Devon's place. You chose Trina over me, and that's all that matters. She is the one you chose", I said. "It was your decision"

"I didn't choose her, for fuck's sake. She was easier, I was drunk, that's it"

"And I'm not worth the trouble?"

"You said you needed time", he countered.

"Well, shit, I've had enough time. So there's that, I'm ready to be in a relationship"

"So you want to be together with me?" he asked.

"As long as you choose her over me, no, I don't. I'm not going to be your second choice", I spat and walked past him to the bedroom. I was done with talking, it wouldn't go anywhere as long as he couldn't confess to being wrong. I buried my body into the bed and hugged a pillow and decided that no matter what; I would fall asleep. Jon didn't enter the room, which I was thankful for. He just wouldn't leave me the fuck alone, but he was the one sleeping around. I just couldn't figure him out, he wouldn't let me.

I was about to grasp sleep when the doorbell rang for what sounded like eleven times. I was angry and jumped up. I huffed and groaned as I walked out of the room. Jon was standing, apparently going to answer the door. I held my hand up to him to make him stop, I would deal with whoever it was. I opened the door as the person kept ringing the doorbell. I swung it open.

"What!?" I snapped. It was Trina.

"Uhh?" she muttered and looked past me. "Jon!" she said, her voice pitched and overly excited.

She walked right past me, pushing me aside with her shoulder. I slammed the door shut and turned around. I was in no mood for this.

She walked to Jon and dropped her bag on the floor in the process. She went to hug him, but he stepped aside.

"Is there a problem, honey?" she asked him and I couldn't help the laugh that escaped my mouth.

"Do you have a problem?" she snapped at me. I waved her off.

"Nah, enjoy your honey", I said and stood still, I wanted to see how the situation would develop. She tried to kiss him, he refused. I could see him looking at me and I looked at him, I wanted him to prove himself.

"You should go", I heard him whisper to her. I could feel the stunned expression on my face. Really?

"What do you mean? Is there something wrong?" she asked.

"Yeah, I-uh, I think we're done here. You and me", Jon explained, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Why? I deserve an explanation!" she demanded.

"Get out of my apartment", I interrupted them. "Just leave. Unless you want the cops, or worse, me, involved". She looked at me and then at Jon, before she groaned and grabbed her bag. She walked past me, making sure to push me as she went. Trina stood behind me for a moment and I turned around to see her.

"Is there anything or...?" I asked her when she didn't leave.

"While I have the chance, I just want to say fuck you bitch", she said before she spit at me. I couldn't help myself anymore. I punched her square in the face and she fell down. I shook my wrist, it hurt to punch a person.

"Shit", I groaned and looked at her. She had her hand to her jaw, where I had connected. Then she got up as fast as she could, there were tears in her eyes. I opened the door for her and she left the apartment, crying. Too bad I didn't feel sorry for her, not one bit. I slammed the door shut as soon as she was out and turned back around. I sighed before I walked back to the bedroom and slumped on the bed. I soon felt the bed shift as Jon lay down beside me. I kept my back to him.

"We're still not together", I told Jon.

"I know", he groaned. It took me some time, but I managed to empty my mind enough to fall asleep.

* * *

I woke up feeling happiness, you know those two seconds when you are just utterly happy because you can't remember anything about life? That's what I felt. For those soon passing two seconds. Then everything hit me like a ton of bricks, but I wasn't sure how to feel about it. It just made me anxious and stressed out, the whole situation. I felt Jon's arm around me and while it felt like home, there were still things bothering me and things that would have to be fixed. It was time we had a conversation, with no running away and no excuses.

I tried to roll out of the bed, but Jon pulled me closer to him.

"Not just yet", he muttered, his raspy voice was incredibly adorable when he was sleepy. I didn't protest, his body felt too good against mine. After a moment I tried to get up again and this time he let me. I took a shower and dried my hair. We were going to go camping with Devon and Danny so I just dressed up in a pair of grey sweatpants, a top and a zip up hoodie. I walked to the living room and sat down on the couch, trying to think of a way to talk with Jon. I was scared he would leave, after all he had a habit of running away when things got serious. But the truth was I loved him and was willing to do whatever it took to keep him with me.

Soon I heard his heavy footsteps as he walked to the living room himself.

"Hey", he said. I nodded with a smile.

"Sit", I replied and patted the seat next to me. He walked over and sat down. I just wanted to snuggle against him and let it all be the way it was, but I had to resist him.

"I think we should talk", I started, trying to not sound serious. He sighed.

"About what?"

"Us"

"Alright, what do you want to talk about?" he asked. I bit my lip nervously.

"I-uh, I was wondering where we stood. Like, you know, what are we and how are we going to work things out, if you even want to", I explained. He kept looking at me which made it much harder to concentrate. He was trying very hard to make eye contact.

"Yeah, I want to work things out, I mean I love you after all", he replied and I smiled.

"Okay, good. I just want to say that you can't keep running away, you need to stop playing games and you have got to stop the mood swings and just tell me how you feel".

I paused and he thought for a moment.

"Right, okay. But what about you? I can't trust you to stay with me", he said.

"Jon, I'm not going anywhere. But you can't do that either"

"But how can I know that?"

"Because I am still here, Jon, after everything. And so are you. I'm sorry about everything I've done wrong. I'm sorry", I told him, looking into his eyes.

"Apology accepted. And... fuck, I'm sorry too. I've put you through a lot, I've been testing you and shit, playing games, you're right. I'm sorry about that. And you're right about the fact that we're both still here, so I guess that says something", he replied, taking about twenty breaks during his answer.

"So... what now?"

"Do you love me?" he asked.

"Yes. I love you more than anything", I instantly said.

"Well then that settles it, you love me and I love you. So we're in a relationship, together", he stated.

"And no more childish bullshit?"

"No more childish bullshit, Sasha", he assured me. I smiled and leaned against his shoulder. He placed a kiss on the top of my head.

"So, you wanna come camping?" I asked. He let out a laugh.

"Camping?"

"Yeah, why does everyone react that way? It can be really fun and you get to see the stars really good"

"Alright, I'll come camping", he agreed.

We would leave in a few hours, so I started to go through my list of items that I needed to take with me. I didn't take much, only the essentials, and I put them in a backpack. Jon packed his stuff too, which didn't take him long since he really didn't take that much with him. We still had an hour or so to kill before the guys would come and pick us up, so we opened a few beers and just talked to each other.

"Things are not going to go smoothly when we do the next show with me having to work with Trina", Jon said.

"Yeah.. But you know, maybe DJ can fire her or something, she doesn't get along with anyone anyway", I replied. "So how was it?"

"How was what?"

"Having sex with a porn star?" I asked him with a smirk.

"It was alright, ya know, a hole is a hole", he replied with a smirk of his own.

"You are the worst!" I exclaimed and playfully punched him in the arm.

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, I prefer fucking you".

"Oh my god", I muttered and looked away.

"Still as shy as ever"

"Fuck you"

"That's your job, isn't it?" he said and grinned. I shook my head and couldn't help smiling.

"Whatever", I muttered. My phone rang and I answered it, it was Danny calling to inform me he and Devon would soon leave and come to pick us up. I put my phone in my pocket after hanging up and told Jon to get ready. It was time to go camping.


	30. Addiction

**Last chapter guys! Writing this story has been amazing for me. Thanks to every single one who read this, especially you lovely reviewers. I love you.**

* * *

We were driving to our destined location, it was at the hill, my favorite place in the whole wide world. I had no idea what it would be like to go camping when the nights were still freezing cold, but I couldn't wait to get there. I wanted to feel the breeze and see the stars in the darkness of the night. I had always felt that during the day things weren't as real as they were in the nights. There would be a full moon too, which I liked. The guys weren't exactly seeing the spiritual side of it.

"What if there are bears though?" Devon asked.

"There aren't any bears, chill", Danny told him. Devon was still nervously tapping on the steering wheel.

"Dude, how can I chill? There might be fucking bears, you can't know for sure. And serial killers and shit and-"

"Devon, calm down. We've been to the hill like a thousand times! And we have a car, it's not like we don't have an escape plan if it's needed", I said to him. He let out a breath that he had been holding in.

"Fuck, alright. I just, I don't like bears", he explained. Jon looked amused.

"Who knows? Maybe there are bears, ya know, if they get pissed off at us for being in their territory..." he trailed off. I glared at him and mouthed the word 'stop'. He smirked at me and Devon began tapping on the steering wheel again.

"Yeah, Jon's right. Yeah, the bears will be angry"

"Like I already said, calm the entire fuck down. We'll be good. Danny has he been smoking?"

"Not that I know of", Danny laughed from the other seat in the front of the car. Devon shushed him.

"I ain't smoked shit, not yet. Saving it for the hill, at least I can be all relaxed when the bears attack", he replied, his voice quieting down by the word.

"There are no bears!" Jon exclaimed. "Come on, dude, I was just messing with ya".

Devon finally shut up about the bears, at least for the time being. Me and Jon were singing along to damn near every rock song playing on the radio, Danny occasionally joining us. Jon was looking awfully cute with his sweatpants and tight blue t-shirt. He had a hoodie on as well, we were dressed almost identically. He had a beanie on, his hair was sticking out and I just wanted to jump him when he turned to smile at me. I was barely able to resist my need for him, he was perfection to the bone. His hand found it's place on my thigh and I noticed how big his hands were, they were beautiful too. I didn't touch him, though, as I didn't want to send the wrong message. We were still in the process of working everything out, and I sure as hell would make him work for it.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, his voice almost made me shiver. The impact he had on me was addicting, a small gesture or a word and I was in a trance.

"I'm feeling awesome, you?" I replied and he smirked.

"Great".

"You sure there won't be bears?" Devon asked. I groaned.

"There are no bears!" we all assured him at the same time.

"Alright, whatever, just checking", Devon said. I laughed at him for being so scared of the imaginary bears, after all this was a guy who wrestled with glass, barbed wire and such. We kept driving and the scenery soon changed from buildings to forests.

* * *

We were finally at the hill, I was surprised that Devon's shitty car even managed to get up there, but it pulled through. I opened the door once we stopped and got out. I stretched and breathed in the fresh air, there was nothing like it. The guys got out of the car as well, taking out all the stuff.

"Hey, I could have helped you", I said when I noticed they had done all the work.

"It's cool", Danny told me. I pouted for a moment but then shrugged.

"Well, if you say so".

Thankfully there was no snow on the ground, spring was rolling around and the spot we were at was a prime example of it. It didn't take long for me and Jon to set up our tent, but when we got up and dust ourselves off we saw Danny and Devon almost ripping theirs apart. I walked to them.

"Hey, watch it. What's the problem?"

"This tent sucks", Devon replied.

"No, it doesn't, but the little girl next to you can't do shit!" Danny said. Devon didn't take the insult too well, he applied a headlock on Danny.

"Take it back!" he yelled while I was laughing just looking at the two.

"Come on guys, it's not that hard!" I said and Devon finally let Danny go. He swore to get back at Devon, I'd be looking forward to that. I helped the guys set up their tent which didn't take long; sometimes they just needed someone to tell them what to do. Idiots. Jon had taken out the camping chairs we had with us. I sat down on the one next to his and he handed me a beer. I opened it before I lit a cigarette.

"Hard work is done", I commented.

"Yeah, good. Ya know, this is a nice view", he said. I looked at him and smiled.

"I told you so", I commented and took a swig.

"Can I bum a smoke?" he asked. I took my pack out of my jacket's pocket and gave him a cigarette. He thanked me and lit it, soon we were joined by the guys who sat down on their chairs.

"Your fat ass just may break the chair", Devon said to Danny.

"Excuse me? Fat ass? Bitch, I'm all muscle", he retorted. I snorted and finished my cigarette.

"Sasha, can we go for a walk?" Danny asked me. I raised my eyebrows but he looked sincere.

"Sure", I replied and got up from my seat. We went to walk down a path, the nature surrounding us.

"So, I just wanted to uh, well, know what's going on with you and Jon", he explained.

"Yeah, I kind of thought so. He left Trina last night, I punched that bitch in the face"

"Good for you!" he complimented me and patted me on my back.

"Well thank you. Me and Jon, we're trying to work things out in a mature way now. No more games and shit, you know?"

"Alright. I just can't see you getting hurt again", he breathed. I nodded.

"I understand that. I don't want to get hurt either, and I won't. I feel like I've grown as a person, I'm proceeding cautiously now"

"Okay. Good, that's good", he said and smiled. We walked for about twenty minutes before we were back at our spot.

"Marshmallows?" Devon asked us with his mouth full of them. I shook my head a no.

"Jesus Christ, you people", I muttered and sat back down on my chair. Jon grabbed the bag from Devon.

"Yeah, you heard her. Jesus Christ", he said before stuffing his mouth with the marshmallows as well. I rolled my eyes at them.

"Danny, you're not going to-"

"Too late", he said and I saw him do the same. I laughed at them before taking a picture of the guys.

"I am so definitely going to show this to every girl you try to fuck", I laughed.

"You will do no such thing", Danny stated. I shrugged.

"We'll see, won't we?"

Hours passed and everything went well, the coldness begun to creep in so we decided to get into our tents. I lay down in mine and Jon's and was shivering because of the cold. Jon got into his sleeping bag and looked at me for a moment.

"Get in here", he said. I looked at the sleeping bag and then at him.

"You think we'll both fit in there?" I asked. "I mean I have my own"

"Just do it"

I shuffled into the sleeping bag and wondered how Jon could always have such a warm skin, I mean it was cold as hell outside and this guy was like nothing.

"You're cold", he commented.

"Yeah, I know. Freezing", I responded and he pouted. He tilted my chin up and kissed me.

"Sorry if you're not ready for that, I just had to", he said.

"Fuck that, I'm ready", I responded and kissed him back. It got more and more intense, and before I knew it the sleeping bag wasn't around us anymore, it was underneath us. Jon was on top of me, kissing me deeply. He entwined our fingers and pushed my hands down above my head.

"You know the guys can probably hear everything", I muttered.

"I don't care, darling. I need you". He bit down on my shoulder for a moment, just to get a reaction from me. It didn't take long for me to whimper underneath him. He shifted his body to sit beside me, and he pulled off his shirt.

"You'll freeze to death", I pointed out. He laughed.

"Nah, I think it'll be pretty hot in here in just a moment", he said with a wink before getting back on top of me. He moved my sweatpants and panties down to my knees but didn't take them off all the way, which was probably good since it was still cold. He placed kisses all the way from my stomach to my pubic bone before he kissed my lips again. He then lowered his pants, exposing his hard cock. I bit my lip and he smirked.

"Like what you see?" he asked.

"Yes", I responded weakly and he let out a laugh. He leaned in and whispered:

"You'll like it even more in just a second".

He then entered me, moving slowly inside. I tried to hold back any sound which was very difficult. Jon grabbed his shirt and tucked it into my mouth.

"There you go", he said and pulled out of me. The shirt was good, it muffled the sounds coming out of me, the sounds I didn't want Danny or Devon to hear.

He kept thrusting in and out while kissing me, it was so passionate. His pace quickened and his thrusts became more sharp to the point when he couldn't control himself; he just went with it. He held onto my hips and I circled my arms around his neck, holding on to him. He kept thrusting fast and I felt my eyes roll to the back of my head as I came, thankfully my moaning was muffled. My hands went limp and Jon pushed in a few more times before he came too. He pulled out of me for good shortly after and lay down beside me. He grabbed the shirt from my mouth, I had forgotten it was there in the first place. I panted heavily as did he.

"I missed you so much", he told me. I turned to look at him.

"I missed you too", I confessed. He smiled before sitting up. He pulled the shirt back on and I raised my pants back up. I sat up too and leaned against his arm.

"Come", he said and started to get out of the tent. I followed him outside to the fresh air.

He sat down on one of the four chairs and I sat down on the one next to his. He handed me a cigarette and I lit it, he took one too. It was silent and the scenery was a star filled sky, clearer than ever. It was perfection. I felt Jon's hand reaching out and I took it. We sat there, holding hands and smoking with the night sky above us.

"This is perfect", I said.

"Yeah, it is. You're perfect too", he said looking into my eyes.

"I'm just a dove. And you're a wolf", I told him. He shook his head.

"Nah. You're a wolf too, darling", he said and squeezed my hand.

"So, you think the bears are going to attack anytime soon?" I asked him.

"I don't even care if they do, I'd be lucky to die with you next to me"

"I love you", I told him.

"I love you too, Sasha. More than you can ever imagine".

When I looked into his eyes, I realized they were even more beautiful than the stars. He was my everything in the middle of nothing, my oxygen and my drug. He was all I had and all I needed. I wasn't a dove, he wasn't really a wolf either. We were just addicts to the drugs that we were to each other. And I loved it, every second of it, and everything we had been through.. well, I wouldn't have changed it for the world. After all, it was love in it's purest form. In the form of an addiction.


End file.
